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Re-Kindling the Romance in Your Marriage

Updated on February 26, 2020
denise.w.anderson profile image

Wife of a school administrator, mother of seven children, and grandmother of a growing posterity, Denise understands all aspects of family.

Bring romance into your home with lighting, color, and music.
Bring romance into your home with lighting, color, and music.

Romance is all about falling in love. Places of businesses known for attracting couples intentionally make the atmosphere of their establishments a certain way to generate romantic feelings. Think back on a place that you considered to be romantic. What did it look like? What did you hear? What did you feel? You can do the same thing in your own home. The key elements are lighting, color, and music.

Subdue lighting. Bright lights drive away romance. Turn ceiling lights off, put lamps on the dimmest setting or turn a different direction so that the light is not directly visible.

Use warm colors. Colors that elicit warmth and charm are usually darker, with red, purple, and scarlet or crimson hues. Royal blue, forest green, and rose brown can be used generously as well. All give the illusion of richness, fullness, and passionate desire.

Choose music that is soft and flowing. Romantic feelings are generated by the tickling of the senses. Soft piano, guitar, or harp music playing in the background relaxes muscles and allows them to feel more readily. Listen to the music ahead of time. Look for music that allows your mind to wander.

Music speaks to us in a way that nothing else can. Use it to re-kindle your romance.
Music speaks to us in a way that nothing else can. Use it to re-kindle your romance.

Do you feel that your marriage could use more romance?

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In the movie "50 First Dates," Drew Barrymore plays the part of a young woman who looses her ability to move memories from short-term to long-term due to an unfortunate accident. Adam Sandler, in an effort to court her, realizes that he has to make her fall in love with him every day in order to keep her, as once she goes to sleep at night, she does not remember anything from the previous day.

Marriage can sometimes be that way. Two people fortunate enough to meet one another realize that they do not want to live without each other, and choose to marry. Once the newness wears off, everyday life takes its toll, and romance takes a back seat. Children enter the picture, careers make demands, and financial reality sets in.

In order for the marriage to continue, romance must be re-kindled on a regular basis. Just as a cake without frosting doesn't usually get eaten, marriage without romance becomes stale and unfulfilled. It may seem awkward at first, but as you look for opportunities to "court" your spouse, you will find an increased sense of romance, and with it, physical attraction.

Music is a great way to bring romance back into a relationship. You and your spouse may have a special song that reminds you of when you first came together. Perhaps you heard it on your first date, danced to it on a special occasion, or used it as part of your wedding ceremony. Bringing that beloved music into the home environment will bring back the romantic feelings associated with those memories.

Ideas for Increasing Romance

Items Needed
Desired Result
Dinner by Candlelight
Favorite foods, arranged childcare, soft music, candles, low overhead lighting
Time alone together, enjoyable meal, uninterrupted visiting
South Sea Island
Table or floor lamp with wicker lampshade with sheer red or pink fabric draped over, green plants and floors, Latin flavor music or ocean sounds, scented candle
Intimate surroundings, exotic island feel, sensuous sights and smells
Moonlight Dancing
Glow in the dark stars and moon on the ceiling, overhead lights down low, slow dancing music, move the furniture out of the way
Create your own romantic setting any day, any time
Message Parlor
Scented message lotion or oils, relaxation music, and overhead lights down low
Rub each other all over with message lotion, paying specific attention to large muscles in the back, legs, and arms. Take turns helping each other relax and enjoy

A romantic atmosphere doesn't just happen, but we can create it with some effort.

My mother once told me that all marriages come to a time when the couple grows apart. Family responsibilities, careers, and community activities take us in many different directions. We come to a crossroads where we have to make a choice to either grow closer together again, or to separate.

Unfortunately, the later happens all too often. Couples begin to feel that they no longer matter to each other, that other things are more important. The feelings of attraction that were there initially have faded away. There aren't enough reasons to desire being together anymore.

The effort it takes to re-kindle love and affection are different when we are older than they were when we were young. It takes emphasis on different things. Our bodies change, and our emotional needs are much deeper. We no longer depend on the physical attraction we had when we first fell in love.

Yet, a refocus on physical intimacy, using more of an emotional basis than a physical one, is sometimes the very thing we need to re-kindle our romance. We find that taking the time to schedule it in, plan for it, prepare for it, and look forward to it, we can find something more, even than we had before!

Marriage is an investment. One that must be strengthen and guarded daily. We cannot expect love to last if we don't do what it takes to keep it alive!
Marriage is an investment. One that must be strengthen and guarded daily. We cannot expect love to last if we don't do what it takes to keep it alive!

Romance takes time and preparation

Before you dive head first into romance with the lights, candles, music, and action, take care of some home management basics:

  1. Put a lock on your bedroom door. You need your privacy and your children need to know that when mom and dad are behind locked doors, they are to go to their own rooms and go quietly to bed.
  2. Get rid of the clutter in your bedroom. Find someplace else to store things not currently in use. You need your private place to be a haven of peace and enjoyment, not a place where you go and feel guilty about all the other things you should be doing.
  3. Find a babysitter you trust. Leaving your children in someone else's care is a risk, no matter what their age. Find someone with similar values that you can trade babysitting with. You will be glad you did!
  4. Invest in a high quality bed. You want to be comfortable when you are being romantic. You will enjoy your time together more, and your spouse will feel like they are important to you if you go together and find something that you both like. It will mean the difference between being romantic and being ridiculous.
  5. Find a good sound system. Sound systems do not have to be expensive. You can find something that is useful and practical that will fit your budget. There are many options available. The most cost effect is an MP3 player with a speaker dock that allows you to move it readily from one place to another, and download your favorite songs from the Internet.
  6. Choose music that you love. Bringing the music you loved in your youth into your marriage will enhance your sense of being connected to your spouse. The right song playing at the right moment may bring on a kiss, a hug, or a squeeze of the hand. It may mean dancing in the kitchen in between stirring the stew, picking up your spouse and swinging them in your arms, or refreshing the closeness of intimacy.

When you are with your mate, choose romance by choosing activities and actions that bring you closer together, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Communicating on an intimate level, soul to soul, increases bonds of love exponentially. You will look forward to many happy years together!

Without love, loneliness becomes are only friend.
Without love, loneliness becomes are only friend.

This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.

© 2012 Denise W Anderson


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    • denise.w.anderson profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise W Anderson 

      7 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      That is a tough situation to be in nnms. In order to protect your relationship, it will be necessary to find other ways to rekindle your romance. What is the possibility of a weekend get-away or even letting the others in the home stay with someone else overnight, so that you can have some privacy?

    • nnms profile image

      Seiboi Misao 

      7 years ago from India

      No bedroom privacy, no romantic and satisfying sex.

    • denise.w.anderson profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise W Anderson 

      8 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      That Grrl, thanks for your comment on clutter. I didn't realize how much it made a difference until I stayed at other people's homes a few times, and realized that everyone has their own idea of what a bedroom should look like. I find that when I take the time to straighten things and put them away, I enjoy being there, and my spouse does as well.

      TimeTraveler, I appreciate you reading and commenting. You are right, we tend to let things go after we are already in a relationship for a while. We think that we don't have to put forth the effort to make love last, when, in reality, if we don't, we may be surprised at the outcome! Relationships are dynamic because people change, and there are no guarantees! If we want our spouse to be with us, we need to do something to ensure that it happens!

    • TIMETRAVELER2 profile image

      Sondra Rochelle 

      8 years ago from USA

      Well written article full of great advice! I think people get lazy once they are in a committed relationship. This is never a good thing! If they would use some of your ideas, obviously, their marriages would be better. Great job!

    • That Grrl profile image

      Laura Brown 

      8 years ago from Barrie, Ontario, Canada

      Getting rid of the clutter in the bedroom was an excellent point. Clutter bothers people more than they suspect. Just because it's always there and they get used to it doesn't mean it's welcome or makes people feel comfortable having it in the room. I'm trying to reform my own clutter habits. I love having the stuff 'not there' as I work through it all.

    • denise.w.anderson profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise W Anderson 

      8 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks for the up votes Eiddwen and James-wolve! I appreciate your comments. Romance is an important part of marriage and it takes a conscious effort to keep it alive through the years. After being married for almost 35 years, we have had our ups and downs, but always, it is a choice to remain in love and doing nice things for each other.

    • James-wolve profile image

      Tijani Achamlal 

      8 years ago from Morocco

      Very good job.I agree romance is extremely important in a relationship or marriage. The lack of romance can seriously affect your emotional intimacy.Romance is like a fire,a couple should keep it alive in their relationship.I voted up.

    • Eiddwen profile image


      8 years ago from Wales

      A wonderful hub and thank you for sharing.

      Here's to so many more for us both to share on here.

      I vote up,across and share.


    • denise.w.anderson profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise W Anderson 

      8 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks, teaches 12345. I'm glad that you mentioned that. I think it is a temptation to fill our bedrooms with the things we don't want in the living room or kitchen, but then we end up with a place that is certainly not romantic! Finding a place to put things is sometimes a problem. We have found that you can put a lot under the bed if you don't have room elsewhere! You can also make a nice corner table out of boxes stacked up and covered with a tablecloth.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 

      8 years ago

      Lighting and sound make a big difference in setting the mood for romance. I also agree with reducing the clutter -- it just seems a distraction when trying to focus. Great post, Denise.

    • denise.w.anderson profile imageAUTHOR

      Denise W Anderson 

      8 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks for your comments Mattofalltrades and geetbhim. Marriage is such an important part of life, yet it takes time and effort to make it work!

    • geetbhim profile image

      sangeeta verma 

      8 years ago from Ludhiana India

      Beautiful hub, good suggestion for couple how to be a romantic and how bring love in relationship. Voted up!

    • profile image

      Matthias M. 

      8 years ago from USA Baby

      Nice hub! Successful relationships take effort and keeping the romance alive makes everything easier.


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