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Re-kindling the Romance in your Marriage

Updated on January 29, 2015
denise.w.anderson profile image

Denise speaks from her own experience. She has had many trials and difficulties in her own life and seeks to help others through theirs.

In the movie "50 First Dates," Drew Barrymore plays the part of a young woman who looses her ability to move memories from short-term to long-term due to an unfortunate accident. Adam Sandler, in an effort to court her, realizes that he has to make her fall in love with him every day in order to keep her, as once she goes to sleep at night, she does not remember anything from the previous day.

Marriage can sometimes be that way. Two people fortunate enough to meet one another realize that they do not want to live without each other, and choose to marry. Once the newness wears off, everyday life takes its toll, and romance takes a back seat. Children enter the picture, careers make demands, and financial reality sets in.

In order for the marriage to continue, romance must be re-kindled on a regular basis. Just as a cake without frosting doesn't usually get eaten, marriage without romance becomes stale and unfulfilled. It may seem awkward at first, but as you look for opportunities to "court" your spouse, you will find an increased sense of romance, and with it, physical attraction.

Music is a great way to bring romance back into a relationship. You and your spouse may have a special song that reminds you of when you first came together. Perhaps you heard it on your first date, danced to it on a special occasion, or used it as part of your wedding ceremony. Bringing that beloved music into the home environment will bring back the romantic feelings associated with those memories.

Romance is all about falling in love. Places of businesses known for attracting couples intentionally make the atmosphere of their establishments a certain way to generate romantic feelings. Think back on a place that you considered to be romantic. What did it look like? What did you hear? What did you feel? You can do the same thing in your own home. The key elements are lighting, color, and music.

Bring romance into your home with lighting, color, and music.
Bring romance into your home with lighting, color, and music. | Source

Subdue lighting. Bright lights drive away romance. Turn ceiling lights off, put lamps on the dimmest setting or turn a different direction so that the light is not directly visible.

Use warm colors. Colors that elicit warmth and charm are usually darker, with red, purple, and scarlet or crimson hues. Royal blue, forest green, and rose brown can be used generously as well. All give the illusion of richness, fullness, and passionate desire.

Choose music that is soft and flowing. Romantic feelings are generated by the tickling of the senses. Soft piano, guitar, or harp music playing in the background relaxes muscles and allows them to feel more readily. Listen to the music ahead of time. Look for music that allows your mind to wander.

Consider the following:

  • Dinner by candlelight - prepare your favorite foods and make arrangements for the children to be elsewhere. Put on some soft music that creates a relaxed mood, light some candles, and turn the lights down low. Take your time, enjoy the meal, and visit about what you would do if you were in that exotic place.
  • South Sea Island adventure - Make your bedroom an island cabin by putting a wicker basket over the lampshade on a table lamp. Drape a sheer piece of fabric with a red or pink tint over the top of the basket. Watch the light dance on the walls as the room becomes an island hut. Bring in some green plants and flowers, put on some Latin flavor music or find a relaxation CD with the sounds of the ocean mixed with harp, guitar, or piano music. Cut up a pineapple and skewer with toothpicks. Light a scented candle. Signal to your spouse that "tonight is the night."
  • Moonlight dancing - put some glow in the dark stars and a moon on the ceiling in your bedroom. Turn off the lights and put on your favorite slow dancing music. Dance together around the furniture while you prepare for further intimacy. You will be amazed at the sensual feelings that are aroused.
  • Message parlor - use relaxation music, some lotion, and turn the lights down low for back rubs and front rubs, and whatever rubs. It will turn you on!

Romance takes time and preparation

Before you dive head first into romance with the lights, candles, music, and action, take care of some home management basics:

  1. Put a lock on your bedroom door. You need your privacy and your children need to know that when mom and dad are behind locked doors, they are to go to their own rooms and go quietly to bed.
  2. Get rid of the clutter in your bedroom. Find someplace else to store things not currently in use. You need your private place to be a haven of peace and enjoyment, not a place where you go and feel guilty about all the other things you should be doing.
  3. Invest in a high quality bed. You want to be comfortable when you are being romantic. You will enjoy your time together more, and your spouse will feel like they are important to you if you go together and find something that you both like. It will mean the difference between being romantic and being ridiculous.
  4. Find a good sound system. Sound systems do not have to be expensive. You can find something that is useful and practical that will fit your budget. There are many options available. The most cost effect is an MP3 player with a speaker dock that allows you to move it readily from one place to another, and download your favorite songs from the Internet.
  5. Choose music that you love. Bringing the music you loved in your youth into your marriage will enhance your sense of being connected to your spouse. The right song playing at the right moment may bring on a kiss, a hug, or a squeeze of the hand. It may mean dancing in the kitchen in between stirring the stew, picking up your spouse and swinging them in your arms, or refreshing the closeness of intimacy.

When you are with your mate, choose romance by choosing activities and actions that bring you closer together, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Communicating on an intimate level, soul to soul, increases bonds of love exponentially. You will look forward to many happy years together!


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    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      That is a tough situation to be in nnms. In order to protect your relationship, it will be necessary to find other ways to rekindle your romance. What is the possibility of a weekend get-away or even letting the others in the home stay with someone else overnight, so that you can have some privacy?

    • nnms profile image

      Seiboi Misao 4 years ago from India

      No bedroom privacy, no romantic and satisfying sex.

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      That Grrl, thanks for your comment on clutter. I didn't realize how much it made a difference until I stayed at other people's homes a few times, and realized that everyone has their own idea of what a bedroom should look like. I find that when I take the time to straighten things and put them away, I enjoy being there, and my spouse does as well.

      TimeTraveler, I appreciate you reading and commenting. You are right, we tend to let things go after we are already in a relationship for a while. We think that we don't have to put forth the effort to make love last, when, in reality, if we don't, we may be surprised at the outcome! Relationships are dynamic because people change, and there are no guarantees! If we want our spouse to be with us, we need to do something to ensure that it happens!

    • TIMETRAVELER2 profile image

      Sondra Rochelle 4 years ago from USA

      Well written article full of great advice! I think people get lazy once they are in a committed relationship. This is never a good thing! If they would use some of your ideas, obviously, their marriages would be better. Great job!

    • That Grrl profile image

      Laura Brown 4 years ago from Barrie, Ontario, Canada

      Getting rid of the clutter in the bedroom was an excellent point. Clutter bothers people more than they suspect. Just because it's always there and they get used to it doesn't mean it's welcome or makes people feel comfortable having it in the room. I'm trying to reform my own clutter habits. I love having the stuff 'not there' as I work through it all.

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks for the up votes Eiddwen and James-wolve! I appreciate your comments. Romance is an important part of marriage and it takes a conscious effort to keep it alive through the years. After being married for almost 35 years, we have had our ups and downs, but always, it is a choice to remain in love and doing nice things for each other.

    • James-wolve profile image

      Tijani Achamlal 4 years ago from Morocco

      Very good job.I agree romance is extremely important in a relationship or marriage. The lack of romance can seriously affect your emotional intimacy.Romance is like a fire,a couple should keep it alive in their relationship.I voted up.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A wonderful hub and thank you for sharing.

      Here's to so many more for us both to share on here.

      I vote up,across and share.


    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 5 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks, teaches 12345. I'm glad that you mentioned that. I think it is a temptation to fill our bedrooms with the things we don't want in the living room or kitchen, but then we end up with a place that is certainly not romantic! Finding a place to put things is sometimes a problem. We have found that you can put a lot under the bed if you don't have room elsewhere! You can also make a nice corner table out of boxes stacked up and covered with a tablecloth.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      Lighting and sound make a big difference in setting the mood for romance. I also agree with reducing the clutter -- it just seems a distraction when trying to focus. Great post, Denise.

    • denise.w.anderson profile image

      Denise W Anderson 5 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

      Thanks for your comments Mattofalltrades and geetbhim. Marriage is such an important part of life, yet it takes time and effort to make it work!

    • geetbhim profile image

      sangeeta verma 5 years ago from Ludhiana India

      Beautiful hub, good suggestion for couple how to be a romantic and how bring love in relationship. Voted up!

    • profile image

      Matthias M. 5 years ago from USA Baby

      Nice hub! Successful relationships take effort and keeping the romance alive makes everything easier.