Five Love Languages - Rekindle your Relationship

All too frequently those in long terms relationships or marriage can feel taken for granted, misunderstood, ignored, unheard, resentful, frustrated, irritated, irritable, bored and/or adrift.

When in the first flush of idyllic love with a significant other, it’s hard to imagine that somewhere down the line a point can be reached when the negative feelings described above become overwhelming. When this occurs there is a clear need to rekindle the love and romance that initially came so naturally.

Once the realisation sets in that there is a danger of drifting apart, one or both parties may put forth much effort to get things back on track. However, after bending over backwards to go on date nights and/or upping the frequency of intimacy, some couples do find they remain adrift.

It’s baffling to know what to do next but a successful tried and tested recommended next step is expounded in the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman.

• Wants logical, practical, doable and effective advice on how to rekindle a relationship
• Wants to meet their partner’s needs and better understand their perceptions and feelings (and vice versa)
• Has a failing relationship, (possibly with issues such as relationship conflict, after a baby or after an affair) and wants to rekindle romance
• Already has a good relationship and wants to sustain and keep it on track
• Wants to be able to better understand how the experience of feeling loved can differ from person to person, and how one or both parties may be putting forth effort in areas that do not effectively influence the other in the way intended.
• Wants to discover sound strategies to develop and strengthen the bond and love that keeps a relationship/marriage alive, fulfilling, interesting and enjoyable for both parties.
• Has a strong desire to achieve their goal of strengthening their relationship and safeguarding it from negative outside influences, people or pressures.
• Wants knowledge of a crucial life skill that they can also apply to a variety of types of relationships.

Essentially the book is concerned with what can happen when the initial “in-love” feeling dips or fades. Most would agree this is inevitable in a long term relationship and the book explores and explains how to rekindle romance and evolve to a deeper, sustainable love for the duration. It explains how love is a decision in addition to a being a feeling.

The basic hypothesis is that people feel and appreciate love from their partner in differing ways. For example, for one party “Words of Affirmation” (such as genuine thoughtful compliments, praise, encouragement and emotional support) makes them feel loved, valued and fulfilled within their relationship whereas, conversely, for the other party words of affirmation has little impact.

The other person in the relationship may feel loved and appreciated when their partner performs Acts of Service for them such as doing/sharing household chores, preparing special meals, maintaining household appliances or similar deeds.

If a person trying to rekindle romance is bending over backwards showering their partner with heartfelt Words of Affirmations whereas their partner’s primary love language is Acts of Service, their loving efforts are unlikely to be recognised and appreciated in the spirit they intended.

In circumstances where a person is not being shown love in the manner which they innately appreciate, their “love tank” (as the author describes it) will be on low or empty and the relationship will be negatively impacted.

Both parties are at a disadvantage when fruitless effort falls flat.

Thus, figuring out how a partner perceives love (i.e. their love language) is of paramount importance to the ongoing development and strengthening of the relationship.

“Words of Affirmation” and “Acts of Service” are just two of the five love languages which the author identifies and explains. The other three are “Gifts, “Touch” and “Quality Time”. Further each of the 5 Languages has distinct dialects. For example one person who has Gifts as their primary language may have a disposition towards receiving handmade gifts as a unique and tangible symbol of the spouse’s love, whereas someone else with the same primary language may be more appreciative of the sacrifice made to give a particular gift.

It would be a pity to give up on a relationship without first trying to understand and use a partner's preferred take on receiving love.