Relational Maintenance

Relational Maintenance is the key to having a healthy, long lasting relationship for all who are out there having difficulties in a relationship. As relationships grow they continue to change. Relational maintenance involves keeping a relationship in a particular state or at a stable level of intimacy to where the relationship is maintained.

There are different types of maintenance behaviors and communication to help maintain a relationship that I will be discussing. Specifically, romantic relationships can be more difficult to maintain than regular relationships. Romantic relationships, such as marriage, are very intimate and require regular maintenance to be successful.

First, positivity is a very important aspect when you are maintaining a romantic relationship. Covey says the key to happy relationships is to make sure you are always in credit and never overdrawn. All relationships involve conflict at different times and what helps couples get through is the quality of their relationship. This is where positivity plays a big role because conflicts can lead to withdrawals from our relationships and they need to be compensated by regular and frequent positive deposits (Shary,2009).

This concept has relative recent research into relationships by John Gottman. As a marriage and relationship researcher, he estimates the ratio to positive to negative experiences in relationships needs to be about 5:1 to ensure happiness and satisfaction. This means we have to find ways of making more deposits than withdrawals in our relationships bank account with our partner. Gottman states that it is during the nitty gritty of everyday life that making such positive connections in relationships matters most.

Studies of Relational Maintenance

Gottman found through his studies observing hundreds of couples in their everyday interactions that a pattern was linked to a contentment in the relationship (Shary,2009). Simple everyday connections seemed to make the difference. This could be anywhere from waiting for a response when asking a question or asking a question. The person has many different choices in how he or she responds, such as acknowledging the person and taking a moment to answer the question, rolling their eyes and stating they are busy or simply ignoring and not responding at all. The couples who respond regularly to their partners request for attention were the couples that were most content.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you always have to respond to your partner's request for attention, but it is the frequency of small acts of consideration and attention that makes the difference. If there are times that you ignore or respond negatively there needs to be many other times you respond positively to compensate (Shary,2009). This may all sound like common sense, especially for people who feel their relationship is in good shape.

On the other hand, when our relationships are having problems this becomes harder so it is something best to keep in mind. Couples who stayed positively connected in their relationships have a much greater chance of making their relationships successful and happy in the long run.

Ways to Relational Maintenance

Finding out what matters most to your partner is another maintenance key for your relationship. Every person is not the same so what matters to some people may not matter to others. There are a few things you can think about to determine exactly what that is. Think to yourself, what are the important things for your partner in your relationship. This can vary from what daily things between the two of you mean a lot to them to how you make sure you do these more frequently.

The power of attention, which is simple acts of care, consideration and kindness lead to happy and successful relationships. The way to put this into action is notice the amount of times your partner makes a request for your attention. When, where and how does this happen? You need to note how many times you respond positively and attentively. After doing this make an effort to increase the number of times you respond positively. Continue to do this for a week and note how you both feel about the relationship at the end of the week.

Also, making sure you connect on a daily basis is the key to maintaining good relationships. Relationships can start to suffer when you stop sharing things with your partner, especially when you start sharing your thoughts and feelings to other people. This is when emotional infidelity can take place, which is not the way to keep things positive in your relationship. When something important happens to you or when you have good or bad news always make a point in telling your partner first (Shary, 2009).

Openness and communication are vital when maintaining a romantic relationship, such as marriage. Problems with communication have been cited as the most common and detrimental complaint of couples seeking marriage therapy. There are differences in the levels of emotional expressivity found in men and women. Women are found to be more expressive on a number of different emotions such as happiness, sadness and fear (Raur,Volling,2005). Researchers have also found that women report expressing both positive and negative emotions more than men do.

Couples who listen without judgment are those who, step by step, can move their communication level from the typical clichés to sharing what matters the most. Those are couples who will feel the ultimate fulfillment and will remain each others soul mates. They are also the couples that will stay together in the long hall.

Men and women communicate differently and they have different needs when it comes to communicating. For a husband, talking in his language is important. For example, tell him what a great husband he is. Second, tell him what a great Dad he is. Third, tell him what a great provider he is for your family (Gray,1996). It is also important to tell him what a great lover he is. Additional tips for great communication with your partner are to let him detox when he gets home for a few minutes and to give him the facts and the main point when telling him something.

For women, communication wants and needs are not the same as they are for men. When a woman needs to talk it is not always necessary for the man to talk. There are times a woman just needs to be heard in general. She is not necessarily looking for the man to fix the problem. There are ways to get your man to listen. For instance, when your man gets home say, “I’m so glad your home. I’ve had such a day. Would this be a good time to talk about it. You don’t have to say anything. I’m sure I will feel better if I can just talk about it.” By inviting your man to listen in this way it gives him what he wants--a chance to make you happy--and what you need most-- the opportunity to talk, share, and nurture your female side.

Within a relationship, stress can play a role when communicating. The marital stress model by Bodeman, Lederman and Bradley shows how stress affects relationship outcomes directly and indirectly through the quality of marital communication, the spouses psychological and physiological well being and the time spouses spend together. The findings have shown throughout a study that a person’s relationship stress is more strongly related with one’s own external stress than with the partners external stress (Thomas, Lederman).

It also indicates that both low relationship stress and high level of positive communication are important in relationships. When it comes to stress, it is best to recognize what is really causing it and try to address it in a way where it doesn’t always affect your relationship directly.

How Sex Affects Relational Maintenance

Sex within a marriage is very important when trying to maintain any marriage. Studies have shown that Americans consider sex to be an essential element of relational intimacy, key to personal fulfillment and crucial for relationship longevity (Elliot, Umberson 2008). According to Erickson, sex represents a fundamental way married people can show they love and care for one another. Although, there are other ways to show affection, sex is viewed as a signifier of love and marital bliss.

When it comes to sex, men and women are very different sexual beings. For men, to keep their connection with you and to stay in love is where sex plays a big role. If sex is discontinued or lessons in your marriage it could have a big effect on the mans connection towards the relationship. This is where a lot of women make mistakes when withholding sex from their husbands. They do not fully understand how the sexual connection affects a man differently than it does a woman. Women will not typically fall out of love if they are not having sex as a man will.

Americans are more likely now than before to enter into marriage with a full history of sexual experimentation and with high aspirations for sexual pleasure (Elliot, Umberson 2008). As ideas about marriage have changed and as sex has become separated from reproduction within a marriage, sexual activity is increasingly seen as desirable, if not mandatory to ensure marital harmony.

The goal for many couples is to become sexual equals. Men and women do not typically enter into a marriage with the same sexual and emotional understandings, beliefs and experiences. Due to this, it is important to pay attention and discover your partners wants and needs on a regular basis.

Relational maintenance overall really is the key to having a healthy and long lasting relationship. Without knowing what relational maintenance consists of can make it difficult for one to maintain a relationship. All of the communication and maintenance behaviors that have been discussed include:

• positivity
• attention
• openness and communication
• finding out what matters most
• different ways of communicating
• importance of sexual intimacy

These communication and maintenance behaviors should put you on your way to a long lasting, healthy and romantic marriage. Always remember sometimes it really is the small things that matter. Start applying these strategies and have relational maintenance in your marriage now.

References

Gray, John (1996). “Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus,” Harper Collins
Books.
Lederman, Thomas. “Stress, Communication and Marital Quality in Couples,” Journal of Applied Family Studies.
Raur, Amy, Volling, Brenda (2005, May). “The Role of Husband’s and Wives Emotional
Expressivity in the Marital Relationship. Sex Roles, Psych Info vol. 52 Issue 9/10 p. 577.
Shary, John (2009, July 21) “It’s the Simple Things That Count,” The Irish Times, p 12.
Umberson, Elliot (2008, May). “The Performance of Desire, Gender and Sexual Negotiation in Long Term Marriages,” Journal of Marriage and Family.