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Relationship Heartbreak: Moving On After A Break Up

Updated on July 7, 2009

Relationship Heartbreak

One of my close friends went into a relationship towards the end of last year. She'd only been in the relationship a short while but new that it may not work out because the guy wasn't a Christian. Religion is an important criteria for her in a prospective partner. It is for me as well. She decided to give it a go for a couple of months anyway. But while the guy seemed sweet and caring etc, he had no interest in it. So she had to end it. It would never work out in the long run. She was wiser than I was in realizing that there is no point getting into something that you just know is going to end later.

And while it may appear like it was no big deal to some people, it was pretty upsetting for her because they seemed to click and she related well to him. I never met the guy but I could tell my friend was really affected by the break up. Having gone through a break up in the not too distant past myself, I decided to write to her and try to get her out of the state of anguish she'd found herself in.

I basically wanted to write a list of all the feelings I experienced (or others experience) when they have just come out of a break up in a relationship. The purpose of it was to better understand how she was feeling and to demonstrate that despite the state of mind you entertain at the time, other people really do know what you are going through even though you think they don't really understand. I was reading it again the other day and thought I would share it with you, on the off chance it might help someone else.

Break Up - Moving On (Feelings Edition)

Tick the appropriate boxes that represent how you are currently feeling as you are getting over your break up.

Disclaimer: the ending is tailored towards Christian readers - please no religion bashing :-)

[ ] broken hearted (no brainer)
[ ] you feel unloved
[ ] your energy is pretty "unsettled"
[ ] you're on edge
[ ] you don't want to do anything
[ ] you can't focus on anything, including work
[ ] you're hurting
[ ] you feel like you've hurt someone else, without wanting to, just by being honest with them about your feelings toward them
[ ] the person that's hurt doesn't want to remain friends or even talk to you any more. Ever.
[ ] the more you think about it the more you want to cry
[ ] you put on a fake smile while really feeling numb & emotionless inside
[ ] you feel unattractive
[ ] everyone else has found someone & you wonder what the hell is wrong with you
[ ] there are plenty of fish in the sea, but the sea is full of jellyfish when you're looking for salmon
[ ] plus there's a hole in your fishing net...
[ ] you feel that life is passing you by & you can't see yourself getting married when you'd like to or to whom you'd like
[ ] the Bible passages you've read in the past don't seem to (really) help
[ ] you lack faith, because God hasn't yet made the pain go away
[ ] your friends are supportive, but you think they don't really know how you feel
[ ] your family is trying hard to make you happy, you appreciate it and you try, but can't manage it just yet
[ ] there's a really hollow feeling in your heart, like a bottomless pit
[ ] you feel alone and abandoned, even though you might be surrounded by people
[ ] you feel there is no person out there that fits every one of the criteria you would like in your ideal partner. You feel you'll have to settle for less eventually.
[ ] the current situation is your fault - you caused it, so now you're suffering.
[ ] you don't have the energy to keep searching for the right person to come along - the more you look, the harder it gets.
[ ] you wish that if you could have handled things a little differently or approached it in another way, then maybe it could have worked out
[ ] the situation is more than you can take and you consider ending it (ok, i really hope you don't feel this bad guys!)
[ ] that wine with dinner is tasting really good, because it can make you sleep when you otherwise can't because there are too many thoughts going on in your head
[ ] there is nothing and no one in the world that can make you feel better right now
[ ] you're depressed and feel there is just no hope
[ ] you feel like you are smart enough and should be able to deal with it on your own but you're at a complete loss how, despite the fact that you are wiser than other people and have more options at your disposal
[ ] you find yourself more sensitive to things and songs on the radio can move you to tears (from its content, not its quality!)
[ ] you feel that the whole experience has changed you and that you'll never be the same person again
[ ] you start to think while ticking a lot of these boxes that you're not the only one that has been through this before and that at least the person who wrote this list has experienced a similar sense of deep loss
[ ] you start to realise that this feeling you're having is not because there is something wrong with you or your way of thinking, it is actually a universal feeling - including its unbearable intensity
[ ] you wonder if there really is such a device, like in sci-fi, like a doorway or something that you can just walk through such that it can completely strip away every sorrowful feeling or thought in an instant, completely cleansing you
[ ] you pretend that doorway actually exists and it is the door to your bedroom. (you activate it by standing under it and turning the light switch off.) It doesn't work unless you close your eyes so you can feel its effects. While the negative emotions start being zapped off of you like an insect buzzer, all of a sudden a picture of Jesus pops up in your mind. The next instant you've been teleported to a special place in Heaven where it is just you and Him. He tells you not to worry and He asks you to give him your heart. You find yourself opening your chest and reaching inside your physical body. You hand Him a withered, twitching red object that resembles a prune. You even wonder how it has been keeping you alive lately. Meanwhile, you're still alive because He has one hand on your shoulder, while the other receives your heart. As soon as He touches it, you see it start filling up with His love. Pretty soon it glistens and looks whole and has a healthy beat once more. He puts it back inside your chest and you feel yourself re-energizing like you've just been given new batteries. He says "Be patient. Have faith." As you snap back to Earth and open your eyes, you find that you do. You're not over the moon but that whole experience has filled you with a sense of calmness and you realise there is hope and that in time, things will get better - God really is looking out for you and He does have someone special for you. You pray that God will help you recognise that person when the time is right and continue to give you strength while you traverse the hilly and winding path to reach that person...
[ ] Through Him, all things are made new.
[ ] Marco Fratelli is talking nonsense, I don't know what he is on about, I'm going to hit him when I see him next...

(Feel free to send a link to this hub to a friend you know is going through a pretty rough time emotionally, especially someone you feel helpless getting through to. It may help them and they could see that you really do understand...)


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    • profile image

      tori 5 years ago

      this helped i broke up with my boyfriend cuz we constantly fought and i couldnt tell him things for the fear of him getting mad at me :/ but i feel like i shouldnt have let him go and hes moving now :(

    • profile image

      Kia111 6 years ago

      This just popped up on my emails. FOr anyone suffering from a broken hear, you will move on. I ended up getting back with my boyfriend after 3 months but we needed the time apart. I love him so much but no it may not work down the line. Just enjoy the moment,you cant get it back. If you dont get back together then you will find someone better who deserves you :)

    • Ebower profile image

      Erin Bower 6 years ago from Georgia

      I think readers that have just had a break up will appreciate realizing that all people in this same situation will have these same feelings. I voted this up and useful.

    • profile image

      Kia111 6 years ago

      Believe it or not but you will smile again even when you dont want to smile. There is nothing that can ease the pain but time will mend your heart. Mine is no where near mended but I have learnt that my relationship with my ex was not healthy although I still miss him. I also no that hes not worth it. It will get better :)

    • profile image

      Sadnconfused 6 years ago

      I like kia111 just want to stop crying and be able to sleep again. When will I smile and look up to waking up...

    • profile image

      Kia111 7 years ago

      As great as your comment is I just really want to stop crying and be able to sleep again.

    • skyskater profile image

      skyskater 7 years ago

      great one marco, on a side-note, I hope you understand how this is a solution that can work, but it also has its disadvantages.. like being able to block someone emotionally after a heart-break. If people could learn a little of the basic principles of Zen (to observe always, and to liberate themselves from thoughts that hold them captive), people wouldn't have these problems

    • profile image

      Virginia 7 years ago

      Tanks marco,this is awesome

    • profile image

      Shweetu 7 years ago

      It is realy v nice article.

      I hv luved a man widout any condition. N still i m loving him. I will wait 4 him till my last breth. I only want happiness n happy lyf 4 him.. Tumhi mla kadhich samju shaknar nahi..

    • profile image

      marybrookes 7 years ago

      why is love like war with no rules of engagement? nothing is ever perfect between one man and one woman. I met a beautiful guy after waiting for sex 15 years. He was elusive (always going away) for 6 - 12 weeks; then the revelation he had a second, "separated" wife he failed to mention at the beginning. I humiliated him by leaving after he wanted sex after no apology and reason for leaving before, with no word or explanation. It settled the score. There has to be a balance of power, even after a break up. Don't invest emotional pain into what "could have been." Cut the losses; men are not so complicated; they just plain have their "privileged" lies and secrets to hedge their bets when looking for someone. Never, ever believe a man about previous marriages; always get a background check and ask him for copies of divorces or legal separations to protect yourself from fallout and pain. This guy wanted to court to escape his unhappy, last marriage. The truth for men seems so hard to give.

    • Ms Dee profile image

      Deidre Shelden 7 years ago from Texas, USA

      Sending this to someone who recently divorced after he turned to atheism. Thanks!

    • profile image

      anon. female reader 7 years ago

      Really well stated. Perfect. Thank you.

    • profile image

      anonymous  7 years ago

      this made me ball my eyes out due to the reason that I am afraid to soon experience it all. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year now, and am forced to break up with him due to religion. I dont know how im going to do it because i love him with all my heart.

    • profile image

      hannah 8 years ago

      Thank you,been hurt but i now know there is hope and God has some one for me

    • marcofratelli profile image

      marcofratelli 8 years ago from Australia

      Hey lulu, everyone goes through it at some point. Just gotta remember it's not the end of the world I guess. :)

    • profile image

      lulu 8 years ago

      great article am going throug a heart break now,a relationship i knew was wrong because am born again and he is not.I wanted to end the relationship but it still hurt to see him communicate with other ladies on the net.

    • marcofratelli profile image

      marcofratelli 8 years ago from Australia

      InPain, I'm so sorry you're going through all that pain but I'm glad reading this has helped you a little bit. Don't forget to :) even if you don't feel like it.

    • profile image

      InPain 8 years ago

      Tears suddenly poured while carefully reading second to the last.. Yes I am still very much in pain when just yesterday i thought i was doing fine until i found myself feeling depressed all over.. Thank You Marco, this helped me..

    • marcofratelli profile image

      marcofratelli 8 years ago from Australia

      so true Jess - appreciate you commenting :)

    • jess can help u profile image

      jess can help u 8 years ago from Fresno, CA

      I would really hate to live in a world just existing! If I didn't have a belief in a God, it would mean an empty life. Of course I wouldn't have to be accountable for my actions and probably would do all kinds of things to satisfy my every whim. But in the long run, I would be so lonely. With or without a person in my life doesn't matter, because God will take care of my wants and needs in His time, not mine. Your poor friend that is going through that breakup, will heal. God answers every request with yes or no, and if no it's because it wasn't good for your friend!

    • marcofratelli profile image

      marcofratelli 8 years ago from Australia

      Thanks for the comments jayb23 & Anamika S. It's hard when two people love each other and the family doesn't accept it. However, if it does go ahead it may be even harder in the longer run. So it probably all worked out for the best, as you've pointed out. Thanks for reading. :)

    • jayb23 profile image

      jayb23 8 years ago from India

      Good work marco. It covered all the points that one undergoes during a break up

    • Anamika S profile image

      Anamika S 8 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

      I have experienced a break up and it was so painful. My boyfriend whom I was so much in love broke up with me because his father who was quite influential threatened him that he will get me killed if seen with me. For his father i was not acceptable bride for his son because i was older than my boyfriend and i belonged to a different caste. It took me over a year to get over the relationship. As far as my ex is concerned he has a broken marriage to his credit now.

    • marcofratelli profile image

      marcofratelli 8 years ago from Australia

      Thanks guys, I hoped this would help someone :)

    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 8 years ago from South Africa

      Very interesting Marco