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Selection of the fittest?? (not what you think it means!)

Updated on July 11, 2011

The title choice may be a bit off-putting. I admit. But it isn't what people may think.

I won't give details from my own personal story, I don't think it brings objectivity to the topic. But lets just say I am a believer in monogomy.

My opinion is based on what we all learn through life. I don't think its possible to live and not learn. Not saying that all that we learn is true, good, and filled with integrity. But we have choice.

We all know situations where either gender has cheated on the other. (Friends, family, people you go to church with, teachers.... anyone). I could bet that those who choose to cheat do not do so simply because the one they cheated with was beautiful or handsome, or even better looking than the person they are in relationship with.

Selection of the fittest comes from a place where as single entities we chose the people we date. During this selection process we take into consideration a ton of factors (height, weight, eye color, skin tone, muscle mass, level of fitness, hair color, shoe size, finacial status- working-unemployed, hygeine, facial hair vs baby face, tattoos vs no ink, religious affiliation, life style, clothing choice, their friends, family, pets, education, can they carry a conversation, will my friends like them, are they controlling/passive, do they have aspirations/dreams, where will they be in 10 yrs...)... the list is unbearably long. We may not admit our factors, they are there without our permission on times. One may not date a person shorter than themselves based on the fact that Mom did that and married Dad and they divorsed. We have all sorts of rationale for not dating people. And some of it makes no sense to ourselves, not alone to others.

So, if during this primary selection we rationalize away some of the factors we do not want to admit we take into consideration, and do engage in pursuit of a relationship, we by default, possibly, have chosen incorrectly. In this primary selection stage maybe things come to light over the course of the relationship, and those non-admitted factors come back to focus and we end the relationship. But, take a look at the other matter. Imagine that these rationalized factors don't have the emphasis in your life any more, and you look at the relationship for what it does have, and its good. You keep it, and you have chosen correctly.

If on the other hand, you look at the relationship, look at the work and effort you have put forth, look at the time and all of the accumulated things the relationship has brought you, and decide I can still have all of what this relationship has to offer, but, I'll suffer through it, or maybe i gets better. So this secodary selection has nothing to do about the other person persee, it has to do with your assessment of what you have and what you are willing to sacrifice so that you can maintain what you have. This selection is not about the warm fuzzies a relationship brings with it, its about things you have or wished you had, and what needs to be done to get/maintain.

If the truth were known about the issues in a relationship as they are thought (I say this because people only say about 30% of what's on their mind) then likely many of the relationships we have would not continue. People are afraid to hurt people.

Which brings about this strange scenario where in order to not hurt your partner you fall into talking with someone else about your stuff, you build this new false relationship out of the things you should have said to your partner. You misread all of the feelings that come from sharing all of yourself with this person, and become attracted and likely have some physical connection or percieved one. This person may not look better than your partner, but because you feel safe and secure in speaking with them, they become what your partner should still be, what they used to be for you.

I don't think gender should be defined as the identfier of a cheater. I do believe that the 'false relationship' scenario likely happens more to women, for the fact that they are more emotive (not emotional) - they feel things and identify these feelings. Men often do not know how to identify what they feel. Which is likely another reason for the communication ban that occurs in many relationships. Which could be a factor in why men cheat... though I'm not sold on that.

As for the argument that "Men cheat, they are born that way", this too, (albeit I don't want to admit) has legs to stand on. We all were hunter gatherers at one time, and monogomy was not part of the equation. You hunted, women gathered, you travelled, women didn't. Procreation is about the survival of a species, not about the integrity and moral responsibility of man. we are still animals in our baser needs, it makes sense that we have urges and wishes and fantasies. But I believe we have evolved to a point where integrity and moral responsibility win out over these baser needs more often than not.

I'd like to believe that the human race has evolved to a point where things are better communicated and understood. That man can be provider and primary care giver to their children, and that women can be bread winner and 'molly homemaker'. Some things in society (North American) illustrate there has been some changes, but.... my hope is that these continue.


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