The Best Ways to End a Bad Date

Whether it's the world of online dating or just the regular dating world (you know, where you meet somebody in person?), there's nothing quite like a bad first date. Either it goes on forever or the conversation is so bad you want to vomit or there's no conversation at all. If you're a woman, bad dates are often traumatic because there's a good chance you came in the guy's car and you're now stuck with a guy who had a nice, deep voice on the phone and described himself as athletic but who's less than five feet tall and shaped like a bowling ball. How do you get out of there? It's essential if you're a player in the dating world to know how to get out of a terrible, awful, no good first date (or any date, for that matter).

It's excruciating once a bad date starts trying to figure out how and when to end it. If you're like most people, you endure the date, shake hands at the end, and go your separate ways. When your date emails or calls, you politely decline another date and say something along the lines of "there just wasn't any chemistry" or "I don't think this is going to work out" or "I met somebody else" or "I don't think we have that much in common." Whatever the reason, you come up with some kind of lame excuse that you think makes the guy feel better about himself.

You know what? It doesn't make him feel better. It never makes the guy feel better. Actually, it just leaves men with questions and feeling empty. In truth, the best way to end a bad first date is to do so with style and definitively. Guys need closure. If you make yourself the bad guy and end the first date bluntly, leaving no question about your intentions, the guy can conclude that you're a crazy woman and move on his way without another thought.

Ending a bad first date in some semi-creative way is the best course of action. Here are some ways to do it.

• Order the most expensive stuff on the menu and keep ordering - The guy truly has to be a douchebag to do this, but if he's a douchebag, then so be it. I wouldn't do this to a guy who's just naive and innocent or just lame, but a douchebag, oh yeah. Why not? Maybe he insults you half way through the meal. Maybe he says you could be better dressed or could exercise more or whatever. Tell him you want to order a bottle of wine and go from there. If he starts his douchebaggery early enough, you can order the most expensive thing on the menu, get some champagne. You get the idea. Of course, you can only pull this one off if you came in separate cars. If not, you're going to have to pretend you had a good time until he takes you home, at which time he'll probably want to come in seeing as he just spent several hundred dollars on you. However, you can just put your finger down your throat when he's not looking and vomit in his car.
• Leave and send a text - This one is easy. Just get up right in the middle of the date, say you're going to the bathroom, and leave. Then send your him a text and tell him he needs to work on his or her charm, smell, manner, whatever the case may be. Incidentally, all leaving solutions are way better when you arrived together in your car.
• Leave and have the Maitre d' deliver a note - You may want to get up and leave and never speak to the guy again, so just leave a note with the Maitre d'. It's called public embarrassment. You're probably going to have to tip the Maitre d', but so what? You can also pay a fellow patron to film the whole thing on her phone so you can have the moment for posterity or to post on Youtube.
• Just disappear - Just vanish. This one works well no matter where you are almost, unless you're mountain climbing or something. But if you're in a restaurant, just get up and leave. You can say you're going to the bathroom or you can say nothing and leave. If you're watching a movie, just bolt. Bowling? Leave the shoes.
• Mariachi band - In the age of smart phones, you can easily do a search and hire a Mariachi band within minutes. Tell them to invent a song on their way over. Who cares if it's any good?
• Singing telegram - The worse the singer, the better.
• Take some ipecac and vomit all over the person - This is kind of cowardly because you're pretending to be sick, but if the guy makes you sick, then you can just get some closure in an appropriate way.
• Mention that you're pregnant - This is probably the easiest of all the end games because you can drop it in at any point. Just say something about how you can't wait for the baby to come. If the guy shows any inclination to continue the date at that point, mention that the baby daddy was just incarcerated and should be out in a few months.

• Fake a seizure and blame the dude - The only problem with this is that he might call an ambulance and you'll get stuck with that bill, which means that you have to make the seizure quick. You know, some people have allergies to things and other things give people seizures, which brings me to...
• Start Sneezing violently and explain you're allergic to him - Just start sneezing out of nowhere and then say that you come to the place (wherever you are) all the time and this has never happened before so it must be him. Either he has a dog or a cat or it's just his natural odor that's causing it. Either way, you'll visit your allergist and let him know asap what you find out.
• Tell him you just got a message from God - God is telling you that this date sucks and that he's definitely not the one, so move on. You can also tell him that God told you he should stop looking at so much porn.
• Have somebody call you 30 minutes into the date - Tell him that your ex-boyfriend just called and wants to get back together and that you feel like you just have to give it one more shot. Incidentally, you should always have a friend call you about 30 minutes into the date just as a safety in case things are going badly. You can always say your mom just had a heart attack or whatever excuse you can think up on the spot.
• Send him a "you suck" video - The age of smart phones just makes this so much more fun. Go into the bathroom, film the video you're going to send him, post it on Facebook or Youtube, then send him the link once you're safely out of his vicinity. Sample dialogue: "You suck! McDonald's? Are you kidding me? Do I look like a McRib sort of girl? And then you really thought I was going to go home with you and snuggle on the couch during a Dolph Lundgren retrospective? Good God, I'd rather snuggle with a bag of dead raccoon parts."
• The hot dog in the pants trick - You might need this one if you let things go too far and you find yourself about to make out with a man you find physically and mentally revolting. Unfortunately, you'll need access to a hot dog or some other type of phallic food. Excuse yourself to the bathroom, slip the weiner in your panties, and return to your make-out session. Make sure you rub up against the guy so that he can feel the hot dog in your panties. He'll think you're a guy and run away. If you don't wear panties, you can try taping the hot dog to your leg or using some other kind of adhesive.