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Porn & Sexual Addiction: Sex Addicts Killing Love for Lust

Updated on July 7, 2011

What is Sexual Addiction?

Sexual Addiction can occur when a person begins to have trouble controlling certain sexual behaviors and impulses. Their sexual relationships, habits and needs may become consistently excessive and compulsive and their sexual thoughts, fantasies and desires may become increasingly extreme and obsessive in nature.They will also spend an unreasonable amount of time engaged in sexual activities and the activities related to obtaining more opportunities to engage in those activities.

The person will not be able to stop these behaviors, despite the negative consequences that begin to have an impact on many other areas of the person's life, including their health, personal relationships and work or family commitments. In time they will find less and less satisfaction in their sexual activities, and will be unable to form an emotional bond with any of their sexual partners.

Their behaviors and sexual impulses may also have a negative effect on their lovers and family members or may invade the rights of sex partners or unwilling victims, which may lead to feelings of guilt or shame. If they do not seek help, then over time these feelings may diminish, and their behavior may end up leading to serious health issues, emotional and social problems, financial difficulties, relationship failures and even problems with the law.

Behaviors associated with sexual addiction:

* Excessive and compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation)
* Multiple extra-marital affairs
* Multiple and/or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands
* Excessive and consistent use of pornography
* Unsafe sexual practices
* Phone or computer sex (cyber-sex)
* Prostitution or use of prostitutes
* Exhibitionism
* Obsessive and excessive use of classified ads and/or online dating sites
* Voyeurism (watching others) and/or stalking
* Sexual harassment
* Molestation/rape

Note: The list above shows examples of possible behaviors that a sex addict may engage in. Usually, a sex addict will engage in a combination of some of the behaviors listed, but rarely all of them.. Different individuals will engage in different combination's; some only a few, others more. Generally, if a sex addict does not not attempt to modify their behavior and curb their addiction, they will engage in more behaviors, and more frequently, as time goes by. This is the nature of addictive behavior.

It is very important to bear in mind that just because somebody is a sex addict, it does not necessarily mean that they are engaging in illegal behavior. Indeed, many addicts never will, although as with any addiction, an addict is more likely to engage in increasingly risky behavior as time goes on and they need a bigger "hit" to get their "fix". Further more, sex addicts will become skilled at "covering their tracks" and finding ways to indulge in their addiction without getting caught.

If you suspect your partner is a sex addict, urge them to seek help, for their sake and yours, but if they are not able to "see the light", be sure to put your own well being first and end the relationship. It may be hard to even consider this, but the pain will be much less than what you would have to endure in the long run...

The Slayer of True Love

A poetic and philosophical tale of my painful journey alongside, and then away from, a sexual addict.

Maybe you felt inadequate, unworthy, alone, and afraid. Perhaps your insides never matched what you saw on the outsides of others.

I guess you came to feel disconnected—from parents, from peers, from yourself. You tuned out with fantasy and masturbation. You plugged in by drinking in the pictures, the images, and pursuing the objects of your fantasies. You lusted and wanted to be lusted after.

You became a true addict: sex with self, sex with others, group sex, promiscuity, dangerous or unsafe sex, dependency relationships, kept alive longer with yet more fantasy and sometimes even adultery.

You got it through the eyes; you bought it, you stole it, you traded it, you sold it and you gave it away. You were addicted to the intrigue, the tease, the dangerous, the mysterious, the taboo, the forbidden... In the end the only way you knew to be free of it was to do it, over and over again, even while you wondered if something was not right, and even after you finally realized just how destructive it was and could be ....

"Please connect with me and make me whole!" you screamed to me with outstretched arms, and I ran to you.

But still lusting after the Big Fix, you took away my power, and kept it for your own.

All this produced was guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain. You were driven ever inwards, away from reality, away from love, away from me, lost inside yourself, inside your fantasies. Your true self became separated from the self you showed the world and then was gradually buried beneath layers of scar tissue, your senses desensitized by all those painful, scary feelings till the only ones you noticed were not uncomfortable, not unwanted... Over time those feeling became so familiar to you that they actually became comforting, you wanted them more and more until like any true addiction, they became necessary for you to feel normal, to function normally.

Your fantasy became your reality. And fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed your love.

Like the most drugs that are bad for you, the addiction to your own emotional chemicals came at a high price. Your habit made true intimacy impossible. You could never experience a real union because you were addicted to the unreal. You were addicted to the instant gratification obtained from the "chemistry" of lust, the novelty of which ran out quickly, causing you to look else where for another hit, never even knowing that you continued to by-pass the road towards a much nicer, healthier and longer lasting chemical state that can only be achieved with real intimacy and true union: the non-toxic, self sustaining, stable and wonderfully satisfying chemical state achieved with true love.

First a lust addict, and then a love cripple, you took from me and others to fill up what was lacking in yourself. Conning yourself time and again that the next one would satisfy you, unaware that you were really losing yourself as you continued to bury your real self deeper and deeper inside. Losing yourself and at the same time wasting your life as the years ticked by...

Eventually, you buried your real self so deep inside that you forgot that it was there. You also forgot that I was there. Indeed, you buried your true self so deep inside that it became almost impossible for that self to ever be found again. Impossible, except for one special person who could still see a faint light shining within you, who was hopeful enough to look closer, and who instantly recognized that treasure buried deep inside you. That one person who possessed a unique ability to see your heart and soul trapped deep inside the shell you had become.

This one person may have been the only person who could ever have saved you, but you would not let them, you did not want them to.

You didn't want to be saved at all.

That courageous person with that special ability could have unlocked the chains that still bind you, opened the lid closed for so long, and explored your inner most recesses, flooding your depths with their warm light, as they searched. They would never have faltered, only looked deeper and deeper until they had found the treasure you never even knew you had lost, but they had sensed was there.

Once they had found your real, true self; cold, malnourished, and cowering from their light yet yearning for their warmth, they would have had the courage to reach out, touched your heart and then grabbed your soul by the hand, to bring you back to the outside. Sheer strength of character would have maintained their stamina, and they would never have let go, but persevered past the point of spirit endurance until they had lifted up your soul, gained your trust, lent you strength, offered you life saving warmth and nourishment, and nurtured you until you shone back with your own bright light, reached out to touch them with your own warm hands.

Then you would have opened your eyes to see it had been me who came and found you. I would never have given up if you had let me try. Together, we could have walked side by side, hand in hand along the rest of life's road, basking in each others warmth and lighting each others path, and sharing the beauty of intimacy.

But instead, the morbid, solitary darkness of fantasy and lust slayed the beautiful, warm light of love and reality, forever.

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Please Note:

All names in this article have been changed for legal purposes and to protect the privacy of the Author. Except where otherwise credited, or where text forms part of an external link, this article is under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last", of Perth, Western Australia. All rights reserved.


All persons, places and objects shown in the images in this hub are are shown for illustrative purposes only. They bear no relation to any real person or event. All persons shown are paid models. Unless otherwise credited, all images are under the following copyright:

Copyright © 2010 Mel Stewart, "safe-at-last" and Licensors Nodtronics Pty Ltd. All rights reserved.

Comments

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  • profile image

    elie 5 years ago

    i was a powerful sex addict, over time i have become addicted to love. i was wondering always why the woman that i was in relationship with her and i was cheating on her every time, was feeling very happy with me while i pretended to be happy with her. all my friends feel the same thing against their girlfriends. i found that sex addiction really kills love and i decided to change.

    i want to share the best and the easiest way to overcome sex addiction for free. no psychotherapy no treatment no drugs... and it is guaranteed.

    just say this word: " Jesus save me"

    consider it done. (even if it take a long time)

  • profile image

    womanatthewell 5 years ago

    thanks for writing, I'm glad I found this. It's interesting in your comments, you specified men. Well I myself, am a sex addict. I am glad to see this article, it's a hard look in the mirror, but it is honest. I think that's the first step to recovery, right? admitting that I have a problem. thanks again.

  • thesingernurse profile image

    thesingernurse 5 years ago from Rizal, Philippines

    Very informative hub. :)This would provide an avenue to reach out to those individuals with the same behaviors and predicaments.

  • muppetgirl profile image

    muppetgirl 5 years ago

    I am a newly diagnosed sex addict and amazingly am a WOMAN. I think there might be a lot more of us out there than people think. Your article was wonderful. Thanks for sharing..

  • profile image

    Tim 6 years ago

    I am a 47 year old male with a long history of sex addiction, gambling, and alcohol. Unfortunately due to unstable family life with my brothers and sisters our father was sex addict and alcoholic. Sex addiction has destroyed my marriage with my wife. This is a good article. Sex addiction, I believe is one of the worst of all addictions because it destroys your spirit, family, and can lead to death if not confronted. Use SAA, Sponsor, and Higher power will lead you to a better life.

  • Jalapeno10 profile image

    Jalapeno10 6 years ago

    This hub is fantastically amazing. It really helps a lot. Nice. Two thumbs up for you. :)

  • profile image

    majorshadow 6 years ago

    Song Title: What did I do

    Subject: R& B song about infidelity. The lyrics also address the new tinsel town bogus "sex addict" cop-out. Video is the lyric sheet synchronized to the audio recording.

    Video URL: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZp8u_vGgYo

  • profile image

    Rev. Carla Holland-Strange 6 years ago

    I am an ex Porn Producer turned ordained Minister/ Sensualist .... I got so sick of what I was shooting because of the degradeing women aselp couples apect. I became a Sensualist to teach couples how to make love and fall back in love. Sex is awesome and a gift of God

  • profile image

    now-i-understand 6 years ago

    Thank you for your insight. I learned more about my partner in reading your short article than I have in any medical library researching this topic. I'm letting my guy go with much regret and much love. I needed clarity and you have given me just that. How brave of you to share this. I am amazed. Thank you so much!

  • profile image

    Unknown Explorer 6 years ago from Kolkata,India

    This is very true, very very true. You are a great hubber, you understand the problems we men face.

  • safe-at-last profile image
    Author

    Mel Stewart 7 years ago from Western Australia

    Thank you RT for your words of praise. I just hope some men out there care more about their partners than they do about their addictions...

  • RecoverToday profile image

    RecoverToday 7 years ago from United States

    This is an absolute excellent article! Exactly what I have been trying to get across for a long time! The behaviours related to sexual addiction are accurate. Even if an individual posesses only a few of the traits, there is danger of an addiction. I give you 2 thumbs up!

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