Sex and How We Mess It Up

As an anthropology student I remember reading about a culture in which seasoned females were used to initiate young males into the wonderful world of sex.  In this other place and time a young man was taken into the guidance of a woman twice his age so that he might be shown how to pleasure a woman in a non-threatening educational manner before he completely screwed up his first attempt at sexual interaction.  Theoretically, she would guide him and explain the delicate intricate workings of female erogenous zones and genitalia. In return, she got a young perky enthusiastic hard-bodied student.  It was a win/win situation.  At no time in this arrangement did either party believe that this was a relationship.  It was strictly business. I’m not saying that the teacher didn’t tell her student that…say…he needed lots more practice with his thrusting…but generally he was tutored until she was satisfied he knew his stuff…or rather HER stuff. 

The normally clumsy ox-like youngster would get the gentle loving care of this more experienced woman who could teach him where and how to touch, how to kiss, and the subtle use of his tongue. When our primitive student was finally ready to enter the marriage tent his young nubile wife would be saved the embarrassment of the ritual Faking-of-The-Orgasm while her new husband groped around her tender flower of a vagina like he was trying to wax a 57 Chevy.  He knew what he was doing and he taught his bride the art of pleasuring him as well.  This was the start of a beautiful life-long journey into the sensual pleasure dome.

As sick and perverted as this may sound to our American puritanical ears it makes a lot of sense.  Think of all the problems this would eliminate in the sack!  If a man started out his life knowing the ropes he would not be stunted by the misinformation perpetuated by the other clueless men that believe women when we tell them they are GREAT in bed.  We lie.  If we love you we want you to feel good about yourself.  As women we have been taught not to like sex too much or we'll appear to be too experienced...i.e. sluts.  It is such a shame that although men want good sex they feel that they shouldn't expect it from their wives because wives should be somehow sacred.   We are still living in a society of double standards.  When my friend Tim met his current wife he called me the day after he met her and told me, "I really like her but I don't think I can get serious with her...we had sex on the first date."  I told him, "So Tim...am I to understand that what you want is a wife who doesn't like sex?" 

I am not saying that the average woman is any better at sex than the average man.  However, we get our misinformation from periodicals like Cosmo and Glamour.  There are article every month on what men want.  I've asked my boyfriend about some of these little love tricks and he cringes...I've asked Tim and he laughs.  That's only two men but I'm not sure if crawling naked on your hands and knees would appeal to anyone but a lonely shepherd.  Can't we just tell each other what we want?  It could turn out to be fun.

The first problem is that most women will not tell you that they didn’t have an orgasm or they will make up a lame excuse.  They will do things such as 1) fake it: a classic response when she is tired of you banging on and on while you think about baseball so that you don’t orgasm first.  The average vagina cannot take all that friction without major chaffing.  2) She will tell you that she doesn’t need to have an orgasm.  Try to imagine the most engorged erection you have ever had and then imagine abruptly stopping without climaxing.  I don’t give a damn what Sting says, most men will take that orgasm over Tantric sex ANY day.  Think about it…an orgasm is one of the top reasons men have sex.  Women need sexual release too.  It’s one of the few things we have in common. 3) She’ll tell you, “Don’t worry…I just can’t orgasm…I never do…I’m used to it.”  This may not actually be a lie.  She may not have learned how to masturbate in a fit of sexual frenzy caused by her male partner thinking sex was over.  If she has not had an orgasm it’s because she doesn’t know how…or because she is on a heavy dose of antidepressants because she has never had an orgasm.  Talk about a vicious cycle.  

I believe all women can be orgasmic if they are correctly manipulated.  I also believe that there are women out there who still believe that clitoral orgasms mean she is sexually immature.  This, of course, is hogwash created by men who do not want to do anything except screw.  They believe the act of screwing, whether it is preceded by foreplay or not, should produce an orgasm in any woman.  Do you think we invented foreplay to deprive you of valuable television sports time? 

If you take time with us you can unleash the wanton sex maniac deep in our matriarchal ancestral blood.  When women say they don’t like sex it is usually because they have never had an orgasm.  Once your woman has had one I guarantee she will want another one.  It may also make her want to show her appreciation by engaging in alternative sexual behavior that may have not appealed to her in the past.  Once she understands where you’re coming from she will be a better partner.

Before you engage in your quest for better performance as a lover you must understand one simple rule…we’re all different.  That one trick you learned from Jackie the neighborhood “good sport” may not work on anyone else but Jackie.  There are some generalities I can give you…and some ways to sensitize yourself to pick up subtle cues that women give during sex to tell you what she wants you to do…or NOT do.  But please…for God’s sake…do not think that once you know how to rock one woman’s world you can rock every woman’s world.  Pay attention and let her body talk to you because it will tell you if you listen.   Enthusiasm counts for a lot but subtlety can win the day.

And for heaven's sake DON'T try to follow any rules set by guys who seem to know what they are talking about...This is an actual question asked of me by an actual man a few years ago.  Let’s call the friend Al…since that’s his real name, “My friends told me to wait 5 days to call a woman after our first sexual contact.  They said if I don’t I’ll appear to be desperate and she’ll loose interest.  Should I really wait five days?”  Dear Al, If you wait 5 days to call this woman she will assume that since you got laid that’s all you were after.  If, in fact, you DO call her in 5 days she will think you’re looking to get laid again.  If you actually like her, the GIRL rule is that you call when you get home that night or the next day as early as possible to tell her how great it was. Buy her flowers if you really want to make an impression.  She’ll brag to their girlfriends for days and you’ll be a big hero. The next time you see her she’ll remember the sex as more pleasurable based on the sweet token gift.  The flowers don’t have to be expensive.  You can get her the $5.99 bouquet at the supermarket…or even pick them out of the neighbor’s yard…wait until dark and make sure there is no dog. 

The bottom line is that we...men and women...need to talk to each other about our sexual needs.  At first, it might be embarrassing or awkward but if you do it in a calm and rational way...let's say you get a nice bottle of wine and sit together on the couch.  You open the topic by saying, "You know, I really love you and I want to make sure that our lovemaking is good for you.  I want us to develop together as lovers."  Okay so that is corny as hell but you get the idea.  Or women, you can playfully suggest that you get him familiar with your anatomy while you start getting frisky, "Honey...I'm going to give you an anatomy lesson of all my special parts..."  Okay that is corny and weird too but if you have enough wine it just might work.  However you are able to open up the dialog if at least you start...you may get somewhere.  Sex is not everything in a relationship but satisfying sex can create a warm glow.  In that glow harshness and anger evaporate and communication is gentle and loving.  Every relationship could use a little of that.