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Cultural Misconception of Marital Relations

Updated on April 13, 2016
michelleonly3 profile image

M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, author, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

The Married Celibate Couple

Is your spouse uninterested in marital relations (sex)? Grab your spouse and read this one together. For years I have steered clear of the topic of sex in Hubs because, I consider sex personal. I believe it is not anyone's business what goes on in your bedroom (please do not share anything here). Over the past few months I have heard a common theme echoing though literature, studies, and even in casual conversation, that theme is the idea that women do not care about having sex. While I am certain this is not true judging from the amount of times Channing Tatum topless has come up on my Facebook feed, and the fact that Fifty Shades of Gray made it onto the best sellers list. There still seems to be some discord over sex in marriage or the lack of it.

Those of us who grew up in front of a TV remember married couples on TV having separate twin beds with a cute little side table in between. As children we were to believe that married couples stayed in their own beds, never touched with the exception of an occasional peck on the cheek. Today sex is everywhere. Sex is plastered all over commercials, movies, social media, and even billboards… yet it seems to not be in the bedroom. If you follow the studies promoted by Kinsey, men are out having sex with each other and people are constantly taking care of themselves. Why?

We enter into relationships with the idea of wanting to be close to someone, love someone, share a life with someone, and have sex with someone. Where in that idea did people decide it was ok to put everything else in life before the intimate bond of their marriage? Sex is an important part of marriage. It is not just simply a physical act, sex is the connection between two people, the forging of a bond. Yet, married couples are ignoring this part of their relationship in exchange for PTA meetings, Facebook, kid’s activities, and their friends.

I am going to tell you something that should change your perspective. IF YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE EVENTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE WILL!!!! There I said it. When you first got together with your spouse, you MADE time for that person. You didn’t MAKE excuses. Having kids and careers is great, but every couple needs to make time for each other. Take the kids to your parent’s house, get a sitter, and go have a date. Get a ROOM!!! You are not trying to make a marriage work, you are enjoying the company of someone you love. Make the time to have that person as your priority.

So you are wondering… what is normal? Once a month? NOOOOOOO!!!! If your spouse only has an intimate connection with you once a month, do you think they are happy with your sex life? Are you feeling a strong physical and emotional connection to your spouse? Because if you are not feeling that connection then you are not spending enough time together and not having sex enough. If you are uninterested in sex, then ask yourself why? Were you always this way? Probably not. Most couples experience a honeymoon phase where they can’t stand to be apart. What happened? You probably had a job and friends during that honeymoon phase, you made time. It was a priority to have sex, it was a priority to spend time together.

Back to my previous statement, if you are not having sex with your spouse, someone else will. If you are not the person sending illicit text messages, someone else will, if you are not making out in your car in the driveway, someone else will. With everything in marriage the two of you have to decide what is acceptable and reasonable. Honesty goes a long way. Be honest with your spouse about what you want and need. Maybe you are not interested in having sex with your spouse anymore? Why? If you were like rabbits when you met, what is different now? Here are a few tips for maintaining intimacy:

  1. Never and I mean NEVER, allow each other in the bathroom while you are using the toilet. I know what you are thinking “why Michelle?” because it puts a negative image in your brain of your spouse. Who wants to have sex with someone they just saw taking care of business?

  2. Be romantic with each other. Leave each other love notes, bring each other treats, text sweet messages through the day.

  3. Are you wearing that to bed? I use to have a friend who went to bed in almost floor length gowns like she was doing a guest shot on Little House on the Prairie. Would it kill you to get a few sexy outfits?

  4. Bedrooms are for sleeping and at the end of the long day you want to crash out, so have sex in the laundry room, the kitchen, the garage, or anywhere else the law will allow. You don’t need to prep. Make a memory. Life is short.

  5. HAVE A DATE NIGHT. Granted when your kids are small it is tough to make time for just the two of you. Eventually your children will grow up and if you have not nurtured your marriage, the marriage will be over when those kids leave (or before). You are holding a family together, how can you do that without making time for the foundation of that family? The answer is that you can’t. What will be more important to your kids, that you were gone for a few hours or that you got a divorce because you never took the time to be alone?

People seem more apt to have sex before of marriage then they do once they are married. Does this seem illogical to anyone else? Lastly, sex is not a chore. It is not a womanly or manly duty. I have no idea why anyone would want to be in a sexless relationship, or put a negative light on something so amazing. While friendship is the most important part of being married, sex is a close second. Over the years I have seen relationships crumble from the idea that once a week or once a month was ok. Your spouse needs more attention than that, and so do you. Love your spouse enough to make the effort, you won’t regret it.

Warning: Any inappropriate messages posted to this Hub will be deleted and reported!!!


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    • michelleonly3 profile imageAUTHOR

      MD Jackson MSIOP 

      6 years ago from Western United States

      Thank you Bob! You made some great points. The one I especially appreciated is the "wish" list we keep in our head and do not confide in our spouse. I think you are right that people are not open in their relationships about their thoughts and desires. I appreciate the male point of view on this issue. Thank you for the vote!

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 

      6 years ago from Rochester, New York

      I think your article is very accurate Michelle. I believe that our society has hidden prompts that they use to get us to buy things and ways to make us want what they are selling. They have us looking at what we have and looking forward to the next "new thing." This puts everyone in the mindset that everything we have is disposable, nothing is forever. No one buys refills for his Paper Mate pen, they buy a new pen. No one sends out anything to a repair shop they buy a new thing. This is just on attitude that's hurting the core of our marriages.

      Another attitude promoted is the idea that there is always something better out there which, you as the consumer needs to be on constant watch. You have car but it is not as suited to you as this new car. You have a home but it is only until you find your dream home. Therefore, there is something the devoted couple is missing by "being with the same person for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Being with the same person will get stale, boring and there is no harm in looking or fantasizing over another person, because it is not "natural" they say to be attached to the same person forever. Even writing Rest Of Your Life sounds like a stone hung around the neck, dragging you down, killing your dreams, stealing your youth.

      Another popular attitude that is killing us is that once people are married they lose their "freedom." You constantly hear people say, "If only I were free," as if their marriage was a prison. They relate it to that mortgage on the house that binds them to a debt until it is paid off, giving them freedom. I was the "dummy" that said the vows, now I'm stuck with the result. What I wouldn't do if I were free!

      The truth of the matter is God gave us marriage so we can explore all the sexual possibilities and pleasures together. We are free to have all the sex we want from our spouse and have a lifetime to try to find that thing that creates magic in that special person.

      God knows the kind of quality that married couples can have in their life sexually. He knows that hopping from one partner to another does not make experience to share with the next. How are we to know all the little things that cause ecstasy in a partner unless we fine tune our habits and spend time in fun pursuit of contentment.

      We are given this gift for life. We know ourselves. We know deep down how much sex we think we would want but we keep that secret from our spouse. We don't talk enough with our husbands and wives about our fantasies and dreams and desires. We just look at what others have and silently wish. Sooner or later, if we keep doing that we will find someone that is willing to explore that secret desire with you or them. Then before we know it the comfortable life and the wonderful possibilities that that life holds will slip away.

      Great article, Great piece to make one think, Great job Michelle. Voted Up and awesome! Bob.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      6 years ago from Chicago

      I don't endorse having affairs but I do understand why some sexually frustrated people would rather cheat than run down to the courthouse and file for a divorce. Having no sex for most (cheaters) is not a "deal breaker".

      They'd rather stay married and mess around on the side. Its takes courage to walk away without having someone waiting in the wings.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Stay or move on. The choice is up to us!

      Excellent hub!

    • michelleonly3 profile imageAUTHOR

      MD Jackson MSIOP 

      6 years ago from Western United States

      Thank you. While I do not abdicate extra marital affairs, I do believe that they often start as means to fill a void in the current relationship. Mainstream

      media has offered up two very negative ideas about sex and relationships in the last 20 years 1. Married people do not have sex and 2. Affairs are exciting. Neither of these ideas are true. Married people do have sex and affairs are horrific devastating experiences for the people involved. I hope this hub helps people realize the fault in their thinking. Marriages are what we make them.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      6 years ago from Chicago

      Voted up and awesome!

      Your statement: "IF YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE EVENTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE WILL!!!! " pretty much says it all.

      The whole notion of "forsaking all others" is based around the understanding that one does not need them because they have someone "committed" to addressing their needs!

      Not having sex in a marriage or relationship is the number one reason cheaters give for cheating. Naturally if they thought sex was "everything" they'd file for divorce or breakup with their mates. The goal of most cheaters is to hold onto all that is "good" in their primary relationship while addressing their other "needs" on the side.

      Oftentimes those who don't want to have sex believe everything is okay because their mate is not complaining or attempting to initiate. It just means after being rejected numerous times they've given up on you. Our society has also downplayed the significance of sex as a bonding agent in marriage. People are quick to put it on the "back burner".

      Most married men will tell you as a single man they had more sex in a (weekend) than they do in a typical month of marriage! They did not get married to stop having sex. The "bait & switch" technique is often used by both men and women where they will do or say anything to "win you over" and once there is a "emotional investment" or legal contract that's when they reveal their "authentic selves".

      It makes no sense to STOP doing all the things that caused your mate to fall in love with you! I cannot think of any other scenario where people actually believe if you stop doing something things will remain the same. We know if we stop going to work we are bound to lose our job. If we stop exercising we will gain weight. If we stop paying our mortgage we will lose our house….etc

      Every action or (none action) has a consequence.

      It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!

      “While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions” – Stephen R. Covey


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