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Cultural Misconception of Marital Relations

Updated on April 13, 2016
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M. D. Jackson is a college psychology professor, author, family counselor, and a mother of nine adult children.

The Married Celibate Couple

Is your spouse uninterested in marital relations (sex)? Grab your spouse and read this one together. For years I have steered clear of the topic of sex in Hubs because, I consider sex personal. I believe it is not anyone's business what goes on in your bedroom (please do not share anything here). Over the past few months I have heard a common theme echoing though literature, studies, and even in casual conversation, that theme is the idea that women do not care about having sex. While I am certain this is not true judging from the amount of times Channing Tatum topless has come up on my Facebook feed, and the fact that Fifty Shades of Gray made it onto the best sellers list. There still seems to be some discord over sex in marriage or the lack of it.

Those of us who grew up in front of a TV remember married couples on TV having separate twin beds with a cute little side table in between. As children we were to believe that married couples stayed in their own beds, never touched with the exception of an occasional peck on the cheek. Today sex is everywhere. Sex is plastered all over commercials, movies, social media, and even billboards… yet it seems to not be in the bedroom. If you follow the studies promoted by Kinsey, men are out having sex with each other and people are constantly taking care of themselves. Why?

We enter into relationships with the idea of wanting to be close to someone, love someone, share a life with someone, and have sex with someone. Where in that idea did people decide it was ok to put everything else in life before the intimate bond of their marriage? Sex is an important part of marriage. It is not just simply a physical act, sex is the connection between two people, the forging of a bond. Yet, married couples are ignoring this part of their relationship in exchange for PTA meetings, Facebook, kid’s activities, and their friends.

I am going to tell you something that should change your perspective. IF YOU ARE NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE EVENTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE WILL!!!! There I said it. When you first got together with your spouse, you MADE time for that person. You didn’t MAKE excuses. Having kids and careers is great, but every couple needs to make time for each other. Take the kids to your parent’s house, get a sitter, and go have a date. Get a ROOM!!! You are not trying to make a marriage work, you are enjoying the company of someone you love. Make the time to have that person as your priority.

So you are wondering… what is normal? Once a month? NOOOOOOO!!!! If your spouse only has an intimate connection with you once a month, do you think they are happy with your sex life? Are you feeling a strong physical and emotional connection to your spouse? Because if you are not feeling that connection then you are not spending enough time together and not having sex enough. If you are uninterested in sex, then ask yourself why? Were you always this way? Probably not. Most couples experience a honeymoon phase where they can’t stand to be apart. What happened? You probably had a job and friends during that honeymoon phase, you made time. It was a priority to have sex, it was a priority to spend time together.

Back to my previous statement, if you are not having sex with your spouse, someone else will. If you are not the person sending illicit text messages, someone else will, if you are not making out in your car in the driveway, someone else will. With everything in marriage the two of you have to decide what is acceptable and reasonable. Honesty goes a long way. Be honest with your spouse about what you want and need. Maybe you are not interested in having sex with your spouse anymore? Why? If you were like rabbits when you met, what is different now? Here are a few tips for maintaining intimacy:

  1. Never and I mean NEVER, allow each other in the bathroom while you are using the toilet. I know what you are thinking “why Michelle?” because it puts a negative image in your brain of your spouse. Who wants to have sex with someone they just saw taking care of business?

  2. Be romantic with each other. Leave each other love notes, bring each other treats, text sweet messages through the day.

  3. Are you wearing that to bed? I use to have a friend who went to bed in almost floor length gowns like she was doing a guest shot on Little House on the Prairie. Would it kill you to get a few sexy outfits?

  4. Bedrooms are for sleeping and at the end of the long day you want to crash out, so have sex in the laundry room, the kitchen, the garage, or anywhere else the law will allow. You don’t need to prep. Make a memory. Life is short.

  5. HAVE A DATE NIGHT. Granted when your kids are small it is tough to make time for just the two of you. Eventually your children will grow up and if you have not nurtured your marriage, the marriage will be over when those kids leave (or before). You are holding a family together, how can you do that without making time for the foundation of that family? The answer is that you can’t. What will be more important to your kids, that you were gone for a few hours or that you got a divorce because you never took the time to be alone?

People seem more apt to have sex before of marriage then they do once they are married. Does this seem illogical to anyone else? Lastly, sex is not a chore. It is not a womanly or manly duty. I have no idea why anyone would want to be in a sexless relationship, or put a negative light on something so amazing. While friendship is the most important part of being married, sex is a close second. Over the years I have seen relationships crumble from the idea that once a week or once a month was ok. Your spouse needs more attention than that, and so do you. Love your spouse enough to make the effort, you won’t regret it.



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