She Says, He Hears!
Ever notice that as a woman you say one thing and your husband/boyfriend hears something completely different? Every wonder why that happens? Well the answer is very simple. Men and women communicate differently.
But like the statement in Pygmalion, "why can't a man be more like a woman"; this is an age old questions.
Here's something to think about:
A man’s self esteem is defined through his accomplishments. (Translation: men see what they do for a living as important)
A woman’s self esteem is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. (Translation: A woman's emotions are a large part of who she is)
Men experience their emotions one at a time. (Translation: What emotions?)
Women experience emotions simultaneously. They might feel anger, remorse and forgiveness at the same time. (Translation: I feel therefore I am)
Men tend to handle one thing at a time until each is done. (Translation: Isn't that how things get done?)
Women have the ability to multi-task. (Translation: Isn't that how things get done?)
Men don’t notice subtle changes without help. (Translation: When did you change your hair color?)
Women can often read subtle shifts in a person’s behavior, and even talk about it with them and other women. (Translation: Did you notice what she didn't say?)
Contrary to what many women believe, it's fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Of course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, it's extremely difficult. This is because guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
We're not talking about different wavelengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. It seems that poor Reta can no more communicate with her guy than she can teach a duck to play chess!
6 Tips for a Happy Marriage
Every relationship can hit a bumpy patch from time to time. Here are some tips to help you work through the challenges and feel more connected as a couple.
- Research has shown that telling your spouse or partner “I love you” has a positive effect on the relationship. In fact saying these words as little as three times a day can help you feel more connected. The best time to say these words? In the morning as you start your day, in the evening when you get home at night before you go to sleep.
- Need to have a conversation with your spouse that you would rather avoid? Studies show that sending a text or email asking for some time to talk helps to put less pressure on both parties. Men tend to want to fight or flee when confronted with conflict which doesn’t help the situation. By easing into difficult conversations you can cut the stress and ensure a more productive conversation.
- Doing something unexpected for your spouse or a friend shows you altruistic side and has a positive effect on the relationship. Research has shown that our partners are more attracted to people who want to help others. So the next time you are cleaning out your closets, make sure some of it winds up at the local thrift store or charity.
- Women who naturally cry when trying to express their feelings to their mate are more likely to get their point across. Men tend to want to solve problems and you might just help both of you get more connected.
- Got a spouse or partner that snores? Sleeping on the couch from time to time is not such a bad idea. It can help the relationship and let you get the sleep you need. Being sleep deprived only causes more marital problems. Lack of sleep can make you grumpy and will cut into your sex drive.
- Being a cheer leader for your spouse is a great way to be connected and to show your spouse you want to be part of a winning team. Also, your spouse gets to feel better about themselves and that can only have a positive effect on the relationship.
Communication: An Important Tool
Time for a little story. Once upon a time there lived a beautiful princess named Royalella. One day Royalella was walking in an enchanted forest near her castle when she came across a magic wishing well. The moment she took a step near the well, a fairy god woman appeared and said “Welcome Royalella, welcome to my wishing well. You are such a beautiful princess but you need a Prince. Come here and make a few wishes by the wishing well. Tell me how you want your prince charming to be and I will grant your wishes.”
“Royalella replied...oh my fairy god woman thank you so much!! Let me think, what do I want in my prince charming.... Hmmm. Hmmm. She thought and thought and finally she said, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if my prince charming had maybe darkish hair, is big and strong, and has some sort of education?’ The fairy god woman said...Done!’ And a big hairy purple MONKEY trained for the local circus appeared as her Prince Charming. Royalella, disappointed with her prince charming, took her Monkey’s hand and walked away.”
“Shortly after, the beautiful princess Clairella of a neighboring kingdom also entered the enchanted forest. She too came across the wishing well and the fairy god woman appeared. As with Royalella, she offered to deliver her prince charming, if she would just ask for the she wanted in a prince. Clairella thought and said, ‘I want a man who has a full head of black hair, is 6 feet tall, loving, generous, would love to have children and is a successful heart surgeon.’
The Fairy god woman said ‘Done!’ And a 6 foot tall prince who moonlights as a heart surgeon and with a full head of black hair appeared. He held her in his arms, spoke of his love for her and how he wanted to share his life and family with her. Clairella embraced her prince and they lived happily ever after.”
So what is the morale of this story? Can you see that Royalella was not clear in her communication while Clairella expressed exactly what type of prince she was looking to have in her life? Royalella was not direct and she was vague. She may have not even been sure herself or known exactly what she wanted in her prince charming. So the question of the day is: when a fairy god woman didn’t even understand what Royalella wanted, how would a man, who is not an expert in relationship, understand what she wanted?
The ability to communicate is the greatest commodity we possess in all relationships, whether personal or business related. Becoming fully aware of the language differences among men and women will greatly improve your communication with those of the opposite sex, in your home life and in the work place.”
Women generally speak in paragraphs that give lots of information. They like to give all the details while men generally speak in short phrases with little detail. Men are more interested in what the “bottom line” is than getting into a lot of story telling.
Women have been taught since early childhood to hint for the things they want. They tend to use phrases such as “wouldn’t it be nice”, rather than coming right out and asking for what they want. Unfortunately men don’t get the hint often because they tend to focus on the content of the message instead of the hidden meaning. So women, if you want to go out for dinner with your guy simply ask rather than making statements like “wouldn’t it be nice to go out to dinner tonight?” You set yourself up for failure and frustration instead of getting what it is that you really want.
When it comes to conflicts in a relationship, men and women respond differently. Men often see conflict as a type of competition, a challenge for them to win. In contrast, women often feel uncomfortable with competition. They may fear that it will threaten the relationship and will often go to great lengths to avoid conflict. As a result, by avoiding conflicts, women often make compromises and swallow things they would like to say. Sometimes this is a good thing, and helps the relationship; however, sometimes a more active response is required and it is useful to have the tools that will help resolve the conflict in a positive way.
Often when we have a conflict with another person we find it easy to slip into stereotypes. This is one of the most common ways to deal with conflict by casting the other participant in the role of villain and you as the victim. Taking on the role of victim will not help to resolve the issue because some one is going to lose.
In order to further the relationship and resolve the conflict it is a good idea to remember a couple of things. It is not necessary to take things personally. This will usually get in the way and stop you from having a conversation to resolve the issue. Also, by not getting angry and keeping the conversation on the topic, you can help to talk out the situation which could lead to resolving the issue quicker. On an important note and perhaps a difficult one to overcome is understanding that a commitment to being right means that the other person is wrong and this only blocks further communication. Try to stay open and realize that there are two sides to any issue. Looking at the situation from the other person’s perspective also might help and you never know what surprise you might find.
Open communication is the best way to resolve any issue, so the next time you and your partner get into a disagree remember to take a step back and see if you can keep the lines of communication open so everyone gets to win.
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