She broke up with me - How do I get her back?
Overcoming the Initial Shock
When the girl of your dreams breaks up with you it's like your whole world just came crashing down on you. It's a sense of being totally and utterly lost, especially if you spent a great deal of time together and did everything together. You have TV shows you watched together, foods that you both enjoyed, activities that you engaged in and those "little things" that only you and her know about. I know, this is not helping you right now and I'm sorry for bringing up this stuff, but the only way to overcome this initial shock is to - CRY! Don't be afraid of it, don't think it doesn't make you a man anymore and DON'T hold back. Do it in private. Find a place where you can let it all out without anyone knowing or seeing you. The bathroom, the garage, maybe even outside somewhere, but you have to grieve. If you hold it in, it will not only affect you mentally but it could also affect you physically - it is not healthy to fight this feeling, so just go with it. Trust me, you will feel a lot better once you have had a good cry. And don't stop with just one...anytime you feel sad (probably after thinking about how much you miss her) do it again. Many guys will fight these feelings because it simply hurts too much, but it just means it will take you longer to get over this initial shock. Experiencing these negative emotions is a part of life. It will help you grow and make you a better individual. I'm going to say that a couple days of grieving is normal, however, it may take longer. But after 3-4 days, it is time to move on to the next phase - figuring this whole thing out.
The Real Reason Why She Broke Up with Me
Figuring out why she broke up with you is going to take some time and HONESTY. Yes, you have to be completely honest with what actually happened in order to figure it out. Don't lie to yourself just to keep thoughts in your head that she is coming back to you. If you are doing that, then go back to grieving, you are not ready for this step. The grieving process mentioned above, clears your head so that you can think clearly and rationally.
There are a variety of reasons why she may have ended the relationship. If she ended the relationship because you cheated on her and you got caught, then I am sorry, but the chances of you reconciling with her are not good. This article is only intended for people who haven't really done anything wrong. Every relationship has its up and downs, its arguments and even miscommunications, but those are all issues that can easily be overcome. The most common statement made by women is, "I need space and time". When most guys hear this one thing that runs through their minds is...They have found somebody else. Now before you go to jumping to these conclusions we need to identify the reasons why she said this. The truth is she only said it for two reasons - #1 - she is looking to date other men or #2 - she really does need time and space (I'll explain this "time and space" thing later in the article - it will surprise you). In order to figure this out, you are really going to have to take a step back and think about the relationship. Let me be perfectly honest here, it is very possible that she is leaving you to date other men, however, it is also very possible she DOES need space and time. The question is - which one is it? Let's find out.
We will start with #1 - she's wants to date other men. Understand something, I have no idea who she is or what she is all about, but you do! You have to think clear here. During the last month you were together - how did she act? Answer these questions:
1 - Did she start wanting to spend more time with her friends instead of you? Maybe you went out every Saturday together (Date night), but then she said, "I'm going to hang with my friends tonight".
2 - Did she seem distant when you were together i.e. not much contact, loser grips on hugs, shorter kisses, pecks instead of tongue (did I see a smile), less sex?
3 - How much eye contact did you make with her? Did she look into your eyes or turn away? When she said, "I love you" did she look into your eyes?
4 - Did she begin to be weird about her cell phone? Think about it...when she went to the bathroom in the beginning, did she take her phone with her? if not, but now she is, that's weird.
5 - Did the text messaging, phone calls or emails slow down dramatically? They will always slow down after the relationship loses its "honeymoon" period, but going from most of the day to hardly at all is dramatic.
You need to answer these questions truthfully - DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF. I am sure by now you have figured out, that if you answered these questions truthfully, you already know the answer to what she really means when she says, "I need space and time". If you answered yes to 3-5 of the questions listed above, then she probably is looking to date other men. Now DON'T panic! She probably does want to date other men, but that doesn't mean you can't get her back. There is ONE ingredient that must have happened in order for you to get her back, if she is indeed interested in dating other guys. What is it? Were you a good boyfriend? Again, don't lie to yourself. If you were, then you have a good chance of getting her back. And should read the headlines listed below. If you were a jerk, I am sorry, but this relationship is probably over. But learn from it. It's going to take time to recover, but remember this quote, "what doesn't kill you, will only make you stronger". It is very true, but promise yourself that you will not make the same mistake twice.
If you answered NO to 3-5 of the questions listed above, then she really does need time and space and you are on your way to getting her back.
Why Does She Really Need Time and Space
If you have made it this far into this article then you have a good chance of getting your girlfriend back IF you follow these steps AND understand them. The real key is understanding them. The hardest part for guys in this situation is understanding why she needs time and space. You loved her very much, showed her that you appreciate her, gave her attention, so why does she need time and space. In all of the research I have done with dealing with relationships in my own personal life and talking with hundreds of women and men, I have come to understand (there's that word again - understand) what they really need/mean. There are two versions or reasons of why she truly needs space and time.
#1 - She's scared of you.
#2 - She has lost herself through you.
Notice that both of these versions/reasons incorporate the word - "YOU". Now stay with me on this...it is why she must remove the "YOU" to heal herself. It sounds crazy I know.
Let's cover the first reason - #1. You may be saying, "Scared of me? Why would she be scared of me?" Truthfully, because she loves you to pieces. Think about and answer these questions:
1 - Were you her everything to her i.e. boyfriend, best friend, partner, companion and lover - where and what would she do if you ever left her?
2 - In the relationship at anytime, did you scare her a little? Because of your own self insecurities (and all guys have them), did you make her jealous or test her love for you?
3 - Can you push her buttons anytime you want and get a reaction out of her?
4 - Did you tell her about all the women that hit on you when you went out with the guys to get a rise out of her? Even if it were a lie.
5 - Did you ever change her mind about something?
If you are answering yes to most of these questions (3 out of 5) then you have scared her to death. That is why she broke up with you and stated that she needs time and space. Here is where the UNDERSTANDING comes in. I'll try to explain this so that we men can understand it. As it stood, you held all the cards and she held none. Have you ever felt like that before? Have you ever been in a relationship where she held all the cards. If you have I bet your guy friends said, "dump her first! That will turn the cards for you". "She owns you right now - you're like a little puppy dog following her around". And the only way to break this pattern is to simply break up. There is no other way...you are not going to give her some of the cards because it feels good to own all of them. You are empowered. She broke up with you because she needs you to realize that you can't own all the cards, that in a healthy successful relationship each party needs to own 1/2 the deck - it's just that simple. The break up HAD to happen. Further in the article I will explain what you do, now that you understand where she is coming from.
But hold on...we need to cover reason #2 - She has lost herself through you. This reason is closely related to #1, but it does have a few differences. Think about and answer these questions:
1 - Did she stop seeing her friends as much and spend more time with you?
2 - Did she ever say she can't focus on her job because her mind is focused on you? (That is not a bad thing, she was in love).
3 - Instead of doing her OWN thing, did she spend most of her leisure time with you?
4 - Did she stop seeing family members to spend more time with you?
5 - Did she change her normal daily routine so that she could spend more time with you?
If you answered yes to most of these questions (3 out of 5) then she has lost herself through you. That is why she broke up with you and stated that she needs time and space. Everyone needs to be an individual. In a relationship there are two people involved, once you start doing everything together the relationship turns into one. That is not healthy. One if not both parties lose themselves. She lost herself through you and needs to find herself again. She can't even love you unless she finds herself. You couldn't do it either.
I Understand, So what Do I do Now - Step 1
Before I get into the steps of what to do next, I want you to really think about this and be honest...you lost yourself to didn't you? Think about it...before her, didn't you have a normal daily routine, you were confident, prideful and could tackle anything. Now look, without her you feel lost - that's because you LOST yourself! And the only way to get it back is to go back! The relationship had to end, it's the only way to find yourselves AND each other. It is a blessing to be honest, I know you are saying, "Are you crazy! I am in pain here!" I understand that, but the relationship has to start over. The only way you can proceed with the necessary steps to get her back into your life with a much healthier and better relationship is to understand and acknowledge that this relationship had to end. You must accept it and agree that it was for the best. But again, don't lie to yourself...if you are not willing to accept this, then you are not ready to move on.
STEP 1: So what do you do now? Find yourself. Your initial thought is probably, "I don't need to, I already know who I am". That may be very true, but if you are reading this then you are saddened by the break up and are looking for answers that are right in front of you. If you have found yourself, then you are self-confident again - you know that you are the best thing in her life and can overcome a few weeks or months without being with her. Does that scare you? Being without her for a few weeks or months? If it does, then you haven't found yourself yet. How do you find yourself - that question I cannot answer for you my friend - you must do it on your own. If I told you what to do then it wouldn't be real and you would fall/fail again down the road. But I will say this, get up off the couch, dust yourself off, do things that will make you self-confident again. Hang with your friends and family. Do something you always wanted to do but never had the courage. Take time to be selfish and spoil yourself. The money you've been saving...spend it on yourself...you deserve it! Go workout. Working out releases happy endorphins. OK - now I'm going to explain something to you that is really going to blow your mind! After reading all of the above things to do in order to find yourself, guess what you need? Time and Space, which is exactly what she is asking from you to find herself again. Don't say, "we don't have to break up for that to happen" because as I mentioned above - you have to accept the fact that this relationship had to come to an end - or you cannot proceed.
Step 2 - Keep Interactions with Her at a Minimum
In this particular step I will discuss what kind of interactions you should have with your ex-girlfriend. Understand, (there's that word again) that she has asked you for time and space and in order to achieve this she had to break up with you the relationship had to end. Let her have that time and space. Do not call her, text her, email her or have any form of contact for a few days, 2-3 days at the most. This is NOT the No Contact Rule that a lot of people discuss on the web. The no contact rule, in my opinion, only applies in desperate situations i.e. she broke up with you because you lied or cheated. It is 2-3 days of no contact however, it is a time for you to grieve the initial shock as mentioned above. If you contact her the day of or the very next day, you are not emotionally sound yet. You will say things that will drive her further away. Begging and pleading will push her further and possibly to far to even reach. That is why you need 2-3 days with no contact to grieve and get your mind straight. This will not be easy, as a matter of fact it is the hardest part of this whole situation. You have got to fight off the urge to do it. How? Don;t take your phone with you and leave - seriously - just leave it at home and go to your friends house or families or out to eat or to workout, but leave the phone somewhere where you can't get to it. Too tough, then give it to a friend for them to hold on to. You have got to fight off this temptation to text or call her. Need more motivation? If you call or text her you will eventually lose her - how much more do you need? It will be highly unlikely that she will contact you, because she wants time to, but if she does - you CAN'T Reply! It is not being rude, she needs to understand that you need time to grieve, heal and get your mind straight. If you respond because you feel like you should - again, you are not in a stable place yet you'll start asking questions like, why? How long do I have to wait? Do you still love me? Do you miss me? These questions will again annoy her and push her farther away - quit pushing her or you'll get an answer you won't like. Why did she text you? Probably because she misses you - that's a good thing! Let her keep missing you for a few days, that will PULL her closer to you! Let me make this point perfectly clear - DO NOT wait longer than 3 days to contact her - I'll say it again - DO NOT wait longer than 3 days to contact her. If you push this no contact thing to far, she will think you are done with her and she will move on. You'll actually break her heart - immediate guy thought, "GOOD, she broke mine!" If that is how you feel, then it's time to move on. Forgive her, she didn't mean to break your heart. I bet more than once she has said, "I'm so sorry about this". She truly is, but in order for you two to have a relationship, it had to happen. We've already discussed that.
Step 3 - After the No Contact Days
After the 2-3 days have passed and believe me, those days will pass - the sun will always rise my friend. Now it is time to make some moves. Send her a text like a friend would. I am not saying go into the friend zone, I am saying pretend you are a friend to her. What would a friend ask? "Just wanted to see how you are doing?" "How are you?" "Hope everything is going well". That's it. Don't say "I miss you", "I love you" or anything that deals with emotions. She nor you are ready for that. Don't panic or get angry if she doesn't reply right back. She may have to think about it for a moment. But if you have gotten this far in this article, then she will reply back. Keep it short. Ask how she is doing, how is school or work or class or whatever, then end it. I like texting in the morning and at night because it gives you a reason to end the conversation. And again it must be a TEXT - don't call her, that is way to personal. Example of a night text - "Hope you had a good day". Then "Goodnight" Or morning text, "Hope you slept well", then "Have a great day". You can initiate the first text after the 2-3 days. But after that one...don't text again. Let her miss you a little and let her initiate the next contact. So again, you kind of go into no contact again for a few days. If she contacts you, then by all means reply back - but be a friend. Then the next time, you can initiate the next contact. Your hope is that she contacts you the very next day, but if she doesn't, don't panic, she is still using her time and space. Be patient and understanding. Remember, through all of this you are finding yourself again and occupying your time with things that will make you more self-confident.
Step 4 - Let Her Make the Meeting Date
Continue replying to her texts and pretending to be a good friend. Wait until she initiates the time to meet or talk on the phone. Once you have reached this step then the rest is all up to you. My suggestion, start over. Go out on dates, try to relive what you had when you first met. But understand this, she probably hasn't completely found herself yet, don't crowd her or pressure her. Couple always need space and time alone, you have to in order not to lose yourself again. And don't forget what happened the first time and don't make those mistakes again. That is another good reason for the no contact mentioned above, it allows you to become a better boyfriend and her a better girlfriend. Take this time slow and enjoy the moment because you never know when it will be over.
Take Care Everyone!