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Should I Wait Until After the Holidays to Break Up With My Boyfriend?
This Hub is not about happy couples in functional relationships during the holidays, but I have written this for single women debating whether they should break-up with their boyfriends before the holidays. Single men reading this Hub may also benefit, but since I am not a man I am writing this Hub from the single lady's perspective. When you think of Christmas you think of happy families and happy couples. Do you see commercials for a boyfriend and girlfriend fighting? No, you usually see joyful commercials with a boyfriend giving his girlfriend a sparkly diamond engagement ring, or a cherry husband giving his gleeful wife keys to a brand new Mercedes. Do you ever see a commercial where a woman is sitting by the telephone waiting for her boyfriend to call about Christmas plans? Do you usually see commercials where a lady is going to a family Christmas dinner all alone because her boyfriend stood her up? Usually, you will not see these type of commercials because during the holidays' consumers are driven to think happy thought so they will buy gifts for their loved ones.
Yes, life is not a commercial, but you know when you are in a relationship that is so rocky that it would not even be the inspiration for one. Unless it was the stimulus for a commercial where a lady signs up for eharmony, which would end happily with her finding a new Christmas love and sitting by the fire. Has there ever been a time in life as a single lady when you put off breaking up with your boyfriend because of the slim chance he might still be "the one"? You tell yourself you would rather put up with an emotionally distant boyfriend over the holidays so you do not have to sit alone at grandma's Christmas dinner. Or at least you will get a Christmas present and not feel like a complete loser when all the other couples are exchanging gifts. Sometimes you stretch your hopes and dreams so thin on the sliver of a chance this bad batch will end by the New Year, by which time you will be sporting an engagement ring by Valentine's Day. Wake up and smell the eggnog ladies, bad relationships usually do not make those 180 degree turns! If you are reading this and wondering why your distant boyfriend has blown you off or is acting emotionally unavailable during the holidays, remember it is him and not you. You are a great person and you may or may not find the love of your life one day, but do not ruin the beautiful holiday season wondering why Mr. Forgetful is forgetting to call. You have two choices here:
1. Try to forget him and have a great holiday season.
2. Stay with him and wonder if it will last much longer after the new year.
This Hub will investigate whether it is worth putting up with an emotionally distant boyfriend just so you can say you were part of a couple.
Been There, Done That
There were two different occasions when I made the mistake of staying in an emotionally distance relationship over the holidays.
With my first boyfriend we were in a long-distant relationship to begin with, but by Christmas time he had moved back to California and really had no excuse as to why he could not see me. He would still call me from time to time to see how I was, but if I had read the writing on the wall I would have known deep down he was just not that into me. Often he would say that he liked a large amount of time alone and did eventually want to see me, but when we finally planned to get together he kept canceling. The last time he canceled was the day before Christmas Eve, so I took the risk and asked him if he wanted to see me during that very special day.
I still had romantic notions of sitting with him near the Christmas fire and exchanging presents, but he curtly informed me he could not see me because that day was to be spent with his family. I wrote him off that night by throwing away all the pictures of us together, but as a fool in love I did not stick to my resolve.
Even though I had bought him a Christmas present and he virtually ignored me during the entire Christmas season, I did not take a stand to just be happy and see how wonderful things really were. I moped for days about why he did not care about me and how could he do that to me, when in the end I finally realized I was doing it to myself. His actions all along had been clear he really was not that interested in me, but I kept holding out for the hope he would want to see me again.
Well in January after the holidays were over he did feel like spending time with me, and if I had been smarter about things I would have forgotten all about him. Nope, I still had this grandiose visions of our one day getting married and how he would be sorry he abandoned me over the Christmas season. He was not sorry because he was just being himself and living his life. However, I threw away a good month of my life being sad over someone that could have cared less, and what makes me a little angry is I had nothing to show for those wasted tears. He only seemed to care one day when I was not home and he could not reach me, then all of a soon ring, a ding, ding, he was calling my house leaving twenty messages wondering when I would be home! If I had been smarter at the time I would not have cared, but sometimes it takes having your heart broken once or twice to learn this lesson.
Selfish and Narcissistic:
The second time I dated over the holidays was when I was trying to stretch a summer romance that should have ended in September. After the first relationship, I should have learned to just let things run their course and not sweat it if my boyfriend stops calling as much. However, I wanted to see my boyfriend for Thanksgiving dinner, so I called him. He did not seem enthused and his dad was more excited about inviting me to Thanksgiving dinner, which my friends is surely not a good sign.
Right before Christmas, I should have seen the writing on the wall again when he asked what I wanted for my Christmas present, and I replied I wanted him to think about what I liked and surprise me. He sarcastically remarked well if I was not going to tell him I would be stuck with a five dollar gift certificate to McDonald's, which upset me at the time because I did not realize he was joking. However, there is a little bit of truth in many jokes, so it may have been part and parcel of his brusque humor, but that did not mean it was funny. Honestly, it would have been nice if he knew what I liked at that point in the relationship and could surprise me, but perhaps that is the ideal I will just have to reserve for the "perfect" man.
Everyone has a different gift-giving style and I am not materialistic, but I always had looked forward to my future boyfriend/husband surprising me with something I treasured. The gift would be more about the thought and spend time together, but if he did not even like the idea of spending time together it seemed, or he always seemed to be too busy, but no one is that occupied and I should have known.
We went on a few trips during the holiday, but the whole time he was making condescending comments about when he had a new girlfriend she would be six years older than him, blonde, or a twenty-two-year-old bimbo. None of it was flattering towards me, and his behavior in public was quite insulting. One should know these type of remarks are not jokes, but the truth in the form of a jest. If your boyfriend is making snide jokes that make you feel uncomfortable it is a sign of disrespect towards you as a person.
Yes, he wanted to spend some time with me during Christmas, but it was always on his terms and when he felt like it. In the end, I found out after the holidays I could have stayed in a relationship where I had no certain future of a ring or a marriage, but why would I want this? For those who are not concerned with getting married then dating someone who is not interested in marrying you may be fine, but if you view a serious relationship as leading to marriage this may be recipe for disaster.
Is Calling It Quits The End Of The World?
Yes, I am recommending the book He's Just Not That Into You because this is one of the biggest pieces of common sense no single lady should be without. Basically this book tells you if a man does not want to spend time with you or make a commitment he is "just not that in to you," and why would you want to spend time with a man who is too self-centered, lazy, boring, and uncreative to tell you he is just not that interested. If he acts emotionally distant I like to read the writing on the wall, and even if he acts that way and is into me, he is too unthoughtful to have a second of my day.
As a single lady, I know how our married and coupled friends make us feel as if we are somehow less advantaged than they are, even if this is not their intent. We are not losers, but we can feel that way when they are constantly asking us why were are still single, or why our last relationship did not work out. Most of the time I think married/coupled friends have our best interests at heart, but keep in mind just because someone thinks they do does not mean what they will say is going to make you feel better. I suggest reading this book and just having a laugh at relationships because this is a very humorous subject really. Serious relationships and wonderful marriages are great, but any lady who claims her relationship is 100% perfection is bluffing. Of course, we all have different ideas of what an ideal relationship is, so keep in mind her ideal marriage could amount to water Chinese water torture in your eyes.
We are all different people and there is nothing wrong with us if we decide to be single for the holidays. I still believe in marriage and would love to find the right person one day, but I am not going to forego my happiness just because the man I am dating is acting like an emotionally distant dodo. I will go to family get-togethers, eat great food, smile, and feel really happy to be alive. I will thankful that I am single and can curl up on my couch to watch Turner Movie Classics and sip hot cocoa. I will be grateful for all the things married women cannot do, so just because you are single does not mean life is over, finished, or finito. It feels that way when you are in an emotionally distant relationship considering whether to break it off, but remember these are just feelings that will eventually pass. Many people are in happy marriages and many people in miserable unions, but often we cannot tell behind the facade people put on for the world. It is better to be single than to be in a miserable relationship, so remember if you break up with the guy you may be saving yourself a lifetime of emotional chills. Some people do get married to their emotionally distant boyfriends, but is this what you want for yourself?
Give yourself the best Christmas gift ever by telling yourself it is okay to be single and go to the family party alone. I have for several years and I smile knowing how happy I am, and how no person can compromise this beautiful joy.