- Gender and Relationships
Should The Good Guy Finish Last?
Why as women, do we prefer to choose the bad boy (emotionally unavailable) over the good guy (emotionally stable)?
If you're a woman who continually chooses men who are emotionally unavailable—the ones that aren't reliable, have less emotional stability, more drama and are back and forth regarding their feelings for you, this usually indicates a lack of self-worth and self-love.
So often as women, we can mistake immediate intense chemistry—which sometimes is combined with emotional instability, for love. Getting caught up in this intense feeling can blindside the true nature of your relationship—making you believe that the relationship is going to the next level, even though it's clear to everyone, that it is not. Mind-blowing right-off-the-bat chemistry should not be confused with how a guy is ultimately treating you.
Unfortunately for many women, when they experience an all-consuming physical connection with a guy—even if it's not emotionally and mentally healthy, it will adversely lead them into thinking that this is what defines a relationship. By believing this, when they do meet a guy who is more stable—emotionally, physically and mentally, they can't comprehend that a "good guy" would be enough for them.
Chemistry is important in all relationships, however should you be closed off to finding someone where the chemistry builds slowly—making it more sustainable, versus hitting you like a lighting bolt? Sometimes, with a good guy the chemistry might need time to build, however, this should not be the deterrent to wanting to date him....but usually it is. Giving a good guy a chance seems ridiculous, but staying in an emotionally unhealthy relationship makes complete sense? I don't think so.
How can you possibly like a man who wants to take his time getting to know you, make you happy and has no drama?
For some women, if a guy has no drama, if he does not lie to you or play mind games, or he does not keep you worrying about when or if you may see or hear from him—the guy may seem less desirable. But, when the games are played, a lack of interest and usually a low level of respect are displayed from a guy, all of a sudden a woman can't imagine her life without him. I wasn't aware that love is suppose to make you desperate, pathetic and feel unworthy.
Why is it so difficult for some women to believe that they do indeed deserve a guy who will treat them with the love and respect they deserve? Why would they settle for anything else?
Believing that you do deserve a guy who does not play games and who does make the effort to see you—ranking you number one on his priority list. A guy who calls and texts—never having any issues expressing how he feels about you. A guy who can see a future with you and makes the necessary steps in that direction, is a f*king scary thought. It is much easier to believe the contrary—thinking that if you do, less heartbreak will occur. How's that been working out for you? My guess, would be that it has not.
When a woman feels that a nice guy is "too safe" or possibly too boring—without giving him a chance (usually because the chemistry was not instantaneous), she could possibly be missing out on an amazing guy. I'm not saying that if there is absolutely no chemistry—mentally, emotionally, or physically, that you should force feelings that are not there. But, if there is a mental chemistry and you do find him attractive, why not open your heart and mind to the possibility?
The mind can be the hardest critic once you've been self-programmed to believe that you won't ever find a guy who will love you—forever, or believing that once you've had that intense chemistry, you will not ever find it again. If you believe that crap, you're keeping yourself open to only attracting emotionally unavailable men, aka: men who treat you like crap. Is that what you truly want? If the answer is no, then you, and only you, can get out of you own way and leave space for a great guy to come in into your life.
I can't tell you how often I have heard my girlfriends tell me how badly they want love and their desire to find a good guy but still continue to date men that don't appreciate them—making them feel devalued and unimportant.
Meaningful, lasting love can't be found if you don't value yourself. In order to value yourself, you need to love yourself first, before loving anyone else. If you don't love yourself—110%, you will internally depend on a man to confirm and validate love for you. By doing this you are exposing yourself to be treated in whichever form he may choose. It's so important to take time for yourself between relationships, to figure out what you really want for yourself and what you have learned from the previous experience, so you don't continue to attract the same type of guy.
One of my closest friends who is very beautiful, (who quite frankly, I believe could have any guy she chooses), will tell me how she is so sick of dating men who don't appreciate her, but will continue to date men who devalue her. After every break-up, when my friend would describe to me what she really wants in her next relationship, it would be to find a good guy who will treat her will love, respect and kindness. The interesting thing—she continues to choose the "bad boy" every time.
To find a good guy, you have to believe in your entire heart that you deserve him. My friend obviously does not fully believe this (mix with the lack self-love). Although there have been many opportunities for her to date a good guy, she continues to date men that appear genuine in the beginning—reeling her in, but end up being a complete waste of time and emotions, continuing her on this path of unhappiness.
Remember, if you want a good guy, he will come...but, do you really want him?
Women can claim they want a good guy, however the second they have the opportunity to choose—the bad boy versus the good guy, usually the choice is always the bad boy. You see it all the time in shows like the Bachelorette, when it comes to her two final choices, usually the good guy finishes last.
Ladies, having a good guy Is all that it's cracked up to be, especially if you can fully open your heart to the process. Finding a good guy doesn't mean that you are settling or that you can't have chemistry—believe me you can have it all. Remember, for any relationship to be successful, communication is always the key and it takes both of you to make sure that things don't get too comfortable and boring. Having a good guy can mean that you are finally trusting in the the process of love and all it has to offer...so why would you want a good guy to finish last?