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Should You Agree To An Open Relationship?

Updated on September 22, 2014
Miss-Adventures profile image

My passion is writing about love, sex, dating, and relationships. I write based on my own personal experiences and those that I relate to.

Unless you can completely separate your emotions—sex is sex and nothing more, then having an open relationship is never a good idea. Unfortunately, love can make you do dumb and desperate things, and agreeing to an open relationship is one of them.

An open relationship—is when a guy wants to have the option to date or sleep with other women (and vice versa if you are a women), aka; having your cake and eating it too. Unless you want to set yourself up for heartache, agreeing to this arrangement is usually an emotional disaster ready to happen.

If you are not comfortable with the idea, why agree to having an open relationship—aka: sharing your man, with other women? Don't be a dumb-ass, nothing good will come out of agreeing to this.

As women, we tend to think that if we agree to do whatever a guy wants then we will eventually win his heart. We will sacrifice our needs for his. We will become a "Yes Girl"—becoming someone we are not for him by liking and agreeing to do things we don't necessarily want so that a guy will like us back. And, we will continually make ourselves available for him—not making plans with friends or consistently breaking plans, so when he calls—wanting to see you, you are available. Ridiculous! This can not be further from the truth....all this does is cause disrespect and destroys any chance for a balanced and lasting relationship.

By being desperate and scared of being alone (or possibly dying alone), it will make you choose men who are obviously not right for you. Choosing men who are not right for you, sets you up for becoming their sex genie—whatever a guy wishes is his command. Threesomes, having you be his booty call, or agreeing to an open relationship—that you have no desire to participating in since all you (think you) want his him.

A guy who has this control over you—let's be honest, a power that you have given him, doesn't stop at three wishes. He will start to control the relationship on all levels, making you believe that you will never find this type of love again, which is bunch of crap because you will, as long as you allow your heart to remain open to the possibility.

Desperation makes it easier for a guy to talk you into things that you might not fully be comfortable with—threesomes, open relationships, etc. A guy who truly cares about you and sees a future with you, is not going to want to to share you. Period.

In many situations, an "open relationship" is one-sided. He's pronouncing to other women that he is in an open relationship, but you are unaware—until he gets caught.

Personally, I have never understood the point of an open relationship. If you need to explore other options then be single or just date versus being in a "relationship" where you have the "permission" to sleep around.

A friend was telling me how she started dating a guy who worked hard at sweeping her off her feet—they spent every weekend together, he planned dates from start to finish. She was in love, and after several months they became exclusive—or so she thought, until she heard that her so-called boyfriend was seen out in an intimate setting with another woman. When she confronted him, he told her that he thought they discussed being in a open relationship. They definitely did not. His excuse, "I've never been able to be a one woman type of guy?" Why ask her to be exclusive if you know that you are not the monogamous type?

If you are dating and want to continue seeing other people, and you have talked openly and been clear with everyone else you're dating, that's one thing, and completely different from having an open relationship. However, it's frankly insulting to have a guy tell you that he wants you to be his girlfriend, but he wants to keep his options open. A guy like this is selfish and doesn't deserve your time. Why should he have his cake and eat it too, and why should you let him? Have respect for yourself. You deserve the whole package....the fairy tale.

Why, would you ever want to give a guy a free pass to cheat? Even more importantly, why would you wait around for him to see if another women comes along who is a better fit for him than you? Hmmm. No thank you. More importantly, why would you want to be with a guy who doesn't see you as enough or wants to devote his time and energy in you and only you?

I have another friend who had reunited with her ex-boyfriend, in an attempt to have a second chance at a successful relationship. She was thrilled because she was still in love with him, and had been hoping that one day they would reunite and share a happy and healthy life together. Well, it wasn't that simple. This time around, in order to be with him, she was asked to agree to an open relationship—which reluctantly, she did. Her reasoning was, by agreeing to do this, he would one day realize that they were truly meant to be together. Nice thought in theory. However, this was not something she wanted at all. She wanted only to be with this man who she loved so deeply, and have him feel the same about her in return. During this new added agreement, she found herself to be insecure, jealous, worried and constantly questioning his actions—where he was and who he was with—when they were not together, and who he was on the phone with—every time they were together. Yikes!

Having a guy ask if you would be ok with an open relationship only works if you both fully agree and are open to that type of relationship—equally dating/sleeping with other people. If you are not wanting to date any other men, an open relationship would never work, causing a lot of unnecessary emotional damage.

Ladies, going from exclusive dating to having an "anything goes" relationship is just plain dumb. The guy you choose to be with should only want to be with you. If he can't, then he is not the right guy, so move on. You should not have to sacrifice your morals or what you want to please any man. Be open to communicate what you feel comfortable with and what you do not. If not being in an open relationship means not being with him....openly walk away.

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    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 2 years ago from Denver

      Thank you realtalk247. And yes, "women that engage in sharing men, whatever logic they use shows their lack of self-esteem and self-worth."

      Thank you for reading and for commenting. :)

    • realtalk247 profile image

      realtalk247 2 years ago

      Dashingscorpio is right on the money again. So true.

      Miss-adverntures

      Love what you said

      " A guy who truly cares about you and sees a future with you, is not going to want to to share you. Period." So true. Women that engage in sharing men, whatever logic they use show their lack of self-esteem and self-worth. If a woman cared for herself then certain "suggestions/offers" would be out of the question.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
      Author

      Stephanie Bailey 2 years ago from Denver

      Dr. Bill Kidd, thank you for commenting. Yes I 100% agree that a, "relationship is over when there is talk of it being an open relationship." And yes, you're not a true "couple while openly having sex with other people."

      Thank you for reading!

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      I am actually kind of repulsed by the idea of calling yourselves a couple while openly having sex with other people. It's just no the way I was raised.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Dr Billy Kidd - "Did you come to me to fix your relationships, or did you come to me to help you say goodbye." That is an excellent question!

      Most couples seek therapy after one or both people have fallen "out of love". Seeing a therapist is just another box to check off on the road to divorce! At least they can tell family and friends; "We tried counseling". :)

      An "open relationship" and a "trial separation" AKA (a practice breakup) are nothing more than methods to "test the waters" while retaining the "option" to come back. No one should allow a person to put their life in a "holding pattern".

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 2 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      From doing couple's therapy, I learned that the relationship is over when there is talk of it being an open relationship. It certainly is an emotional breakup. That nails it.

      So when I was in the biz, I'd eventually ask, "Did you come to me to fix your relationships, or did you come to me to help you say goodbye." No one was ever insulted by the idea and took it very seriously.

    • Miss-Adventures profile image
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      Stephanie Bailey 2 years ago from Denver

      Dashingscorpio....Amen, Amen, Amen on all points. :)

      Thank you for reading and commenting. Thank You also for the Vote Up!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 2 years ago

      Voted up and useful!

      In my opinion an "open relationship" is the same as "friends with benefits" or a "booty call".

      Women need to understand that most men are visual creatures. If a man truly cares about you he does not want to imagine other men inside you or you doing various things to them. In fact most men don't even want to hear about your exes!

      Therefore if a man suggests having an open relationship to a woman he's telling her he does not think she is "special enough" to want to keep her all to himself.

      Lastly it's all to common for women to automatically (assume) they're in an "exclusive" relationship when a man showers them with time and attention on a consistent basis. If they discover the man is seeing other women he will tell her; "We never talked about being exclusive". Essentially he's telling her he didn't cheat or her because he never made any promises. It's a tactical move on his part. As angry and upset she might be she'll have to admit that (she) made an (assumption).

      As much as women dread having "the talk" concerning "What are we?" It's still the only way to at least establish "verbal understanding". It doesn't mean he won't cheat but at least he can't tell you; "We never said we were exclusive!" Truth be told if a man is truly interested in a woman she won't have to initiate "the talk" because he'll be professing his love or his intentions for them to be exclusive. If down the road he suggest having an open relationship it means emotionally he has broken up with her.

      Some people treat relationships like jobs. They won't leave one until they have another one lined up. If a company knew you were job hunting they'd fire you. That's what the woman needs to do if a man suggests having an open relationship.