- Gender and Relationships
Should You Share Your Sexual Number With Him?
"How many people have you slept with?" This is a question that unless you are a virgin, no one really wants to know (or discuss) the answer. Regardless of what you think—revealing your number when you are a woman, can cause your relationship to change course.
Ladies, men don't ever really want to know how many men you have slept with. When they tell you that whatever your sexual number is, it won't change your relationship—remember, it is a bunch of bull! When you share how many men you have slept with, you are going to be judged. The need to know your number is because he is trying to decide if you are “pure” enough for him. Again, unless you are a virgin, or have only slept with one or two men in your entire life before him (even if you are in your 40’s or older) the number is going to be a turn-off to him.
It's interesting how a guy can sleep with hundreds of women, and if he's sexy, successful and has a great body, this number can be viewed by other guys and women as cool. Really? Why is there such a double standard when it comes to women and their sexual number? Anything over five for women, and they are viewed as sluttish, but for men, higher than five, and they are champs. It's ok for men to talk about their conquests, but when women share—outside of their close circle of friends, it's considered inappropriate.
Times have changed. There are no chastity belts and talking about sex should be freer without judgment, but it still isn't—at least, not with a guy you are interested in or possibly wanting a future with. Men don't want to believe that the woman they are with is "tainted." Even if a guy speculates—because the older you are, the less likely it is that you are a virgin, the number you give (most women always lower their number to what they think a guy will be ok with), will still, in his mind, be too high.
Most men usually don't want to know your number, and when it comes to even talking about your past—boyfriends and guys you have dated, a guy will usually dodge the question for their own peace of mind. Why? Because in their minds, the more you openly talk about other men, without saying it—they assume you have probably slept with them. The more men you have had contact with, the higher the number increases in their minds, and the less desire they have to pursue you, or to bring the relationship to the next level.
Don't get me wrong, these same men won't have any issue sleeping with you, even if your number makes you (in their eyes) seem whorish. Sex is one thing, being in an exclusive relationship or marriage is another, and men have no problem separating the two.
Do you really want to make an excuse—because that is what it basically is, for a guy to not want to be with you? The problem usually starts with us, because we seem to be too curious ourselves in wanting to know how many women a guy has slept with. If you are not wanting to share your number, then don't ask him his. Even if your number is low (0-2), are you sure knowing his actual number won't affect you in a negative way, making you question him and his intentions?
Communication is always important in any relationship. Communicating how many men you have actually slept with, isn't necessarily a beneficial conversation. What is beneficial and vital, and should always be discussed before sex—knowing if the other person has any sexual transmitted diseases (AIDS, HPV, herpes, gonorrhea, etc). It is more important to know if someone has an STD or several, versus knowing how many people he or she has actually slept with. The interesting thing is, most people forget, or don't care to even ask. Frightening!
Don't get me wrong, I definitely do think that it's important to talk about past relationships, especially the ones that were long term—understanding what happened, in case there are any red flags from the past to avoid. It is preferable to keep the past relationship talk to the minimum needed to help with your new one. Nobody wants to always hear about an ex or several exes, that conversation will get annoying and old quickly, which can potentially cause the end to the relationship you are trying to develop. Having the brief ex talk is completely different from never moving on from the past, or sharing your sexual number. The first communication helps a new relationship; the latter two could potentially end one.
Ladies, although I do think that you should be open and honest with the person you are dating or in a relationship with, you need to first ask yourself, "is sharing how many men I have slept with important and beneficial to my relationship?" My guess is, no. And again, if you do not want to share your number with a guy, then don't ask him his...it's that simple. If he is persistent in wondering what your number is, that could be a red flag. However, politely smile and let him know, that just like with age, it's insulting to ask a lady that number.