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Should I Stay in a Lie of a Marriage or Should I Go?

Updated on September 19, 2008

I received a most disturbing comment on my HUB : For Unhappily Married Men.

Here it is:

Turk says:

I am a 29 year old Married Marine father. I've been married for four years, and have been with my wife for six years.

After my first deployment, which was last year, i returned home to find that my wife had been cheating on me and destroyed our finances while i was away. I had decided on divorce, and after i realised how long the process could take, began to date and talk to other, prospective females. After a short time, i found a nice woman and we got into a relationship that i dropped recently, because my wife decided that we should give it "another shot" or whatever, at least for our daughter. As much as it hurt to do so, i did it and again faithful to her, we both know that what i did cannot be considered "wrong", at least in the sense that i believed that my wife and i were through, i just really wanted to move on and leave the pain behind.

Now, we've both made changes and sacrifices to "make amends", or try to "make things work", and in most ways it is, but i just cannot, for the life of me, forgive and forget what she did to our family, and to me.

It's smiles on the outside but inside, i'm still full of bitterness and despair, and i focus on the things that mt wife still won't do, but my recently dropped "lover" did so well. Whether it was sex, affection, or just inquiring into my well being, she really made me happier than my "wife" does, i really fucked up, i realize that now and i just can't figure out what to do.

I don't want to lose my daughter again, but at the same time, i can't live like this anymore, it's like living a lie. "

Dear Turk,

First, let me say thank you to you for your service as a Marine.

OK, now let me address your comment.

There is nothing in what you wrote that suggests you took your wife back for any reason other than your daughter. As noble as the idea is, it's just not a reason to be married.

Your wife cheated on you, which means she cheated on your family, which means she cheated on your daughter. She wrecked your finances which means the finances of your daughter too.

From where I am, I do not think the right answer is letting your daughter stay with a woman that can't be trusted to put her child's best interest as a priority.

She threw away her family, and her commitment to you. And she gets a second chance because she guilt-ed you by using your daughter. Again, not in your daughter's best interest. You know what, Turk? This is bullshit.

Get out. Get out now. You know you will eventually. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. Just do it. Speak to a lawyer. You may be able to receive some legal aid through the Corps.

If you want to do what's best for your daughter, file for custody. Protect her and love her. If you have to share custody, keep fighting.

One of the best things you can do for your daughter is to be a role model. Live by example. She will understand when she's older. She will see by your example that it is not acceptable to let someone cheat on you and ruin your family. You will be demonstrating to her that the values you hold dear, like fidelity and honesty, are values worth fighting for.

It is not the best example you could be setting for your little girl to be living a lie, or to be reinforcing every day that what your wife did is acceptable. Years from now if your daughter is in a marriage what will this have taught her? If she is cheated on, what lesson would you like her to have learned from you?

Enlist the help of whomever you can. If you have your parents, siblings, grandparents - tell them honestly and completely exactly everything that has occurred. Speak to your superiors and fellow marines. Do not be too proud to accept help and support. You will need it, especially in a fight for custody. You might be surprised by which people around you have good advice and information that will help.

Make sure you keep whatever evidence you had regarding her infidelity and whatever it was she did to your finances. Bank statements, credit card statements, cell phone records. If they are gone, contact the establishments and get copies. You need to present all of that to your lawyer.

While all this is going on, you may or may not want to reach out to that woman you cared for again. You have to decide that for yourself. It may not be too late for the two of you to build something. Then again, you may want to focus all of your energy on your divorce and custody battle.

My advice is not based on the idea that you met a woman you really liked. That was nice, but that's not why i believe you should divorce. You should divorce because you don't want to be with your cheating money-wrecking wife. You're too young to be living a lie. You were wronged. Now go out into the world and live life right.

Best to you.

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.


All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.


Submit a Comment

  • profile image


    6 years ago

    not certain how to start this never posted before ever

    suffered through medical school (both of us), had a child before marriage, did the "right" thing...suffered through residency then a fellowship all to help people... between us huge debts...6 yrs later wife started taking folate...claimed it was b/c her nails were thinning or make her hair fuller, 3 months later pregnant(raised 2nd child myself in fellowship, mostly b/c in training I was not a suitable husband or father for first child)...felt hurt...6 yrs go by 2 wonderful beautiful children going to church regularly, take only vacation to help other people in other countries...wife begging for another child...for 7 yrs I say no, please no it will destroy us and our life, we're just getting settled, please no for 7 yrs...8 months no sex and just couldn't handle it (don't believe in affairs, please and who the heck has the time or energy anyway), gets pregnant...child has a chromosomal abnormality...birth defects...needs surgery at a very young age...pulls through but the emotional damage was deeply laid. Child beautiful and much more fun now 2 yrs later...wasn't involved as much, really complicated emotions herein. We can't seem to pull it together

    Have to get some sleep b/c at my job if I don't sleep and I make an error people will die and if sued all our lives can change (it takes over 5 yrs to go through litigation), already been through 1 not my fault but still 5 yrs of someone trying to take everything you work for . every day I know someone may come after me to take it all...have to be rested and ready...I believe patients deserve the best from us...beg wife for 2 yrs to get some form of birth control..she refuses, won't let me use condomns...move to another part of house so can sleep some...creates distance but lets me be she's pregnant again, both recognize we can't do this again.

    can't let her have abortion, why select this one and not the other? No intentions on cheating, no interest, want to give it all to my wife and kids everything, house, cars, retirement, 401k...I just don't want her anymore, did I mention she never got a job to pay any of her portion of the debts...but can't hurt my I go along, waiting for the pisaller. Always promised to "go back to work" ...probably not a lie, but sure doesn't feel that way.

    She's a good mother, very caring for the kids, beautiful as beautiful now as the day I met her over 15 yrs ago, keeps herself "up",lets the house go instead, takes care of the 2 youngest, ignores and fights with the oldest (who has had to live in very difficult circumstances and still is beautiful in every way)...can't leave, can't stay...just hurt...only freedom is job, kids, and hope that some day it will all end (sad to be waiting for the end, looking back and saddened by a big black hole of a relationship lost). Would I do it again, my kids sure, but the relationship and it's deceits/accidents/whatever...never

    thanks for letting me get that to go save some lives and give something I can't have to someone who desperately needs it, hope...when that is gone. We are all just looking for a little hope in some way...

    and if wife reads are a wonderful mother, beautiful and caring with the kids, I'm sorry for all this pain.

  • NotWiredThatWay profile image


    7 years ago from New York

    He should take his daughter and run like he's on fire. The only reason the wife probably wanted him back was for the money. From the way he's describing the relationship, she doesn't care one wit about him and is using his daughter as a means to an end.

  • profile image


    8 years ago

    Veronica, you always seem to give sound advice. What would you do in this situation: I do not love my wife. I have never loved my wife. We were married out of convenience so that I could continue living in her native country (where we met) and help take care of our daughter. I know this was a bad idea, but we agreed that we would maintain separate residences and separate lives.

    Almost immediately she was able to manipulate the situation so that we would live together as a "happy family". This lasted less than a year as my life soon became unbearable. I have another daughter from a separate relationship and my wife did not treat her well, though she did not abuse her in any way.

    Eventually I returned to my native country and left my wife and daughter. I could not accept being so far away from my girl and not playing an active role in her upbringing, though I continued to support her financially, nor could I accept the reality of leaving my daughter to be raised fatherless in a developing country. Finally, I decided to bring my daughter to live with me here in my country even though it meant also bringing my wife.

    We are again living together and I am again miserable. We are living a lie and we fight almost constantly. If we were to divorce or separate my wife would return to her country, and while I could legally block her from taking my daughter, I would not be comfortable with taking my daughter from her mother who, for all my problems with her, is a good mother. Conversely, I could not in good conscience allow my daughter to return to my wife's country to be raised without me. My earning power abroad is significantly reduced, which was one of the major reasons I returned in the first place, so a return to living overseas is not a viable option either. I do not want to stay with my wife, I know that living a lie is harming my daughters, but realistically, what other choice do I have. Would it really be better to allow my daughter to grow up fatherless with only occasional contact?

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks for all your comments today, Neil. I really appreciate it.

  • Neil Sperling profile image

    Neil Sperling 

    8 years ago from Port Dover Ontario Canada

    When a child grows up living in a loveless environment, it gives them the notion that that is the way it will be for them too. That is NOT something that should be perpetuated, is it?

    Good stuff!

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from NY


    Thanks for your comment. I know there are people that believe the best option for the children is the parents living together. I am that child, who's mother stayed with the cheating father, and I can promise you, it was the dumbest decision possible. My mother set an example for me that you have to take whatever life deals you, and you have no right to be happy or stand up for yourself. Many poor decisions and years of therapy later, I realized how weak my mother was. And even more so, how selfish my father was.

    "Facing issues with mom and dad separating" if handled maturely can teach a child a great sense of responsibility and respect: two things that parents that stay together for the kids don't represent. Additionally, the guilt the kid feels when grown once they figure out their parents could have had a chance at being happy and self respecting had they only split up, is completely unbearable.

    Over 650,000 page views on hubpages, thousands of comments and emails, I have spoken with many many children from broken marriages, and from marriages that stayed together for the kids. Many different feelings, different situations and variables, different people, and different life lessons. But one thing I can guarantee you, not one single person has ever written to me and said, "I am so glad my parents stayed together in a loveless lie of a marriage for us."

    Thanks for your opinion.

  • profile image


    8 years ago

    hello Veronica,

    I just want to ask about cheating and making amends. Because i'm a firm believer in second chances. I tried understanding reasons why my man's cheating, but then finally he came, apologized and made up for what he did. He realized his mistake, accepted his consequences and now we live life better.

    I just want to emphasized that children deserve the best option, and that option might as well be living with both parents together. facing issues with mom and dad's separation would make a big difference in their life.

    just my opinion. thanks for your article :)

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR


    8 years ago from NY

    Turk and his email have stayed with me. I think of him and worry about him. I wish he'd comment and give us a follow up. I really hope he's ok.

  • profile image


    8 years ago

    Sadly, this is a story I have heard multiple times from enlisted men. They get married, get deployed and come home to discover infidelity and a financial nightmare.

    It's really disgusting - Why do women do this? Loneliness? Belief in an invisible money tree?

  • Karraline profile image


    9 years ago

    this was a really good hub.

  • Marisa Wright profile image

    Kate Swanson 

    10 years ago from Sydney

    "The longer you wait, the harder it will be." That is so true. I see so many men - and women - who are unhappy in their marriage but who keep delaying a decision to leave, and it's a huge mistake.

    Deep down, you know you're going to have to go through the pain of divorce anyway, so why put yourself through the pain of several months or years of unhappy marriage as well? And remember, the older you get, the harder it will be to start your life over again - it's much easier to meet a new partner and make a new life at 30 than it is at 55.

  • profile image


    11 years ago

    Ooooh Turk,I really hope you took this advice and left that cheating wife. I hope you and your daughter have every happiness you deserve. Please listen to this advice. Many good women are out here that would treat you right!

  • profile image


    11 years ago from Perth

    I just joined this place and got straight into it and explore wit this place with wat it has to offer and got to this page. I salute you marine for the services you provide. I feel for you turk and even tho you think you doing wats best for your daughter, I dont think its right especially if you suffering inside. Im currently going thru that phase of separating coz of his cheatings and have a very young daughter myself. All the best.

  • Isabella Snow profile image

    Isabella Snow 

    11 years ago

    Gawd what a mess. Women suck! Poor Marine!

  • profile image


    11 years ago

    Thanks for your service to our country, Turk.I'm really sorry you got a shitty deal from your wife. But this advice is right. You can't be with someone you can't trust.

  • profile image


    11 years ago

    Jesus Christ, Veronica. You pack a punch! You tell it like it is!


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