- Gender and Relationships
21 Signs You Are In Abusive Relationship With a Man
Sometimes abused women do not know that they are in an abusive relationship with a man.These following points should make it clear to you if your partner is abusive or not.
He Blames You for His Bad Behavior
An abusive man doesn’t want to confront the possibility that he is abusive.So, he wants to convince both himself and you that you are cause of his bad behavior.
For instance,He slapped you but then put the blame on you, because ‘’you were yelling’’.
Slapping a wife or girlfriend is wrong.Nothing justifies it.
He Causes Damage to Your Relationships
Abusive men tend to isolate the woman so that they can control her better. They want the woman to have no social life of her as it can increase her strength and loosen their control over her.If your man is creating divisions between you and your relatives or friends then he is trying to isolate you.You should see this as a red flag.
You don’t just need a man,you also need friends and affection from your relatives.Keep in mind,relationships other than him are important too.
He Lies to You Often
Abusive men often lie to their women.Lying is a form of psychological abuse that gets more destructive over time.
He takes Advantage of You Economically
An abusive man thinks himself superior in intelligence to a woman.
He wants your money because he thinks he can better spend it than you.Another important reason an abusive man would take advantage of a woman economically is because if he weakens you financially,it will be much easier to control you. No matter how he treats you then,you would be too weak to leave him or live without him.
He Denies what he Did
For instance,When you bring attention to his Provocative behavior with opposite sex.He denies it altogether.He denies he ever called you a ‘’bitch’’ or gave you a ''shove’’.But you know he did.
A nonabusive partner will not deny his actions altogether but he might object to how you were interpreting his behavior.
He Makes You Lose Your Job
You like your job and it keeps you financially secure.But he wants you to lose it because he wants you to, either find a new one with better pay or not hold any job at all.When you don’t have a job you will be dependent on him financially and he will be in a position to treat you any way he wants.
A woman should always hold a job,having a career is both empowering and fulfilling.You should change your job only when YOU want it,not someone else.
He Wants you to Give up Your Dreams
An abusive man lacks empathy and has a high sense of entitlement.He believes it’s woman’s responsibility to take care of his emotional and physical needs while he is free of any such burdens.He wants your life to revolve around him.To him,a Woman is a thing that can be possessed and used.she is not a human with her own needs, dreams and ambitions.If he wants you to give up your dreams ,he is abusing you.
Be cautious,if he makes you drop out of school.
He is Very Controlling and Jealous
Your partner often falsely accuses you of flirting and having romantic relationships with men that you talk to or associate with.Some abusive men may even give an excuse for their bad behavior,’’I was cheated on by my ex so that’s why I have trouble trusting you.’’
Do not accept any excuse that a man offers for his jealous and controlling behavior.You are an independent human being and you have a right to talk to people.
He Criticizes You Harshly and Often Puts You Down
No matter what you do in the relationship, it’s never right and it’s never enough. Harsh criticism and frequent put-downs make you feel as if you can’t do anything right.
you often find yourself preoccupied with the relationship and how to fix it.
His Mood Changes Quickly and Frequently
It can be very frustrating to live with a person like that.
Abrupt and frequent changes in mood is a sign of manipulation. Abusers often use this tactic. This way it becomes hard for you to tell what he is feeling,who he is and how he feels about you. This type of behavior keeps you constantly off balance.
He Tells You That You are Incompetent
Your man tells you that you are incompetent at, something that you really love, like writing or painting.He actually wants you to spend that time catering to him,or he just can’t see you progressing.
He Blames You for the Impact of his Behavior
In his brilliant book why does he do that,Lundy Bancroft a domestic abuse expert writes about abusive men,
‘’he becomes upset and accusatory when his partner exhibits the predictable effects of chronic mistreatment, and then he adds insult to injury by ridiculing her for feeling hurt by him. He even uses her emotional injuries as excuses to mistreat her further. If his verbal assaults cause her to lose interest in having sex with him, for example, he snarls accusingly, ‘You must be getting it somewhere else.’ If she is increasingly mistrustful of him because of his mistreatment of her, he says that her lack of trust is causing her to perceive him as abusive, reversing cause and effect in a mind-twisting way. ‘’
He Gives Insincere Apologies
For instance,last night he humiliated you in front of your family and friends.The next day you tell him that you are upset by what he did and you demand an apology.
He gets angry and says loudly: All right, all right! I’m sorry, I’M SORRY!!
Nothing is Ever his Fault
Whatever bad happens in your man’s life,it's either yours,his mother's or someone else’s fault but never his.
He treats you badly but doesn’t let you complain .It's because he thinks himself perfect and above criticism.When you complain,either he doesn’t listen at all or gets furious and punishes you.There is never any right time to bring up even minor grievances.
He Coerces You into Having Sex With Him
Sexual coercion is the use of threat,trickery or manipulation to make you have sex. For instance, last night you didn’t really want to have sex with him,but you said yes.
Examples of sexual coercion are:
“If you don’t have sex with me, I’m breaking up with you."(threat)
"If you don’t sleep with me, I’m going to sleep with someone else."(threat)
“If you really loved me, you would have sex with me.”(manipulation; to make you feel guilty)
Guilt is one of the biggest tactics used in sexual coercion.
If you think turning him down will cause him to cheat on you,hit you,withdraw housekeeping or cause him to explode in anger—this is a big red flag that you are in an abusive relationship.
Even when you are in a relationship with a man,it’s not your duty to have sex with him whenever and however he wants.If you don’t feel like it ,you have the right to say No.
He Gaslights You.
When you object to his cruel or insensitive behavior he tries to make you doubt your perceptions.so he says something like this:
‘’Just because your ex-boyfriend was abusive.Now you think I’m abusive too.’’
“You’re too sensitive.It shouldn’t be any big deal.”
This is a form of psychological abuse,called gaslighting.He is trying to make you doubt your own perceptions and sanity so as to draw attention away from his cruel and unkind behavior.
ALWAYS trust your own perceptions.
You Feel Afraid of Him
A woman’s intuition is her secret protective weapon.If your intuition or sixth sense tells you that you are being abused.Trust it and try to get out of the relationship.
Security expert Gavin de becker throughout his masterpiece,The Gift of Fear,advises listening to intuition .He writes;
‘’Can you imagine an animal reacting to the gift of fear the way some people do, with annoyance and disdain instead of attention? No animal in the wild suddenly overcome with fear would spend any of its mental energy thinking, ‘It’s probably nothing.’ ‘’
Always listen to your intuition.
He Swings to Extremes of Behavior
One minute your partner is loving and sweet and the other he is cruel and insulting.This is a sure sign of an abusive man. when he turns good you just assume that or hope that he will stay that way but suddenly he turns cruel again.
His being unpredictable increases his power on you. Manipulation plays a huge role in most abusive relationships.
He gets Angry when you Show Signs of His Mistreatment
His constant put downs and cutting remarks make you feel depressed.Then he accuses you that ‘’you are such a drag’’ and he doesn’t want to be around you.
He Has Double Standards
He himself has frequent affairs but interrogates you about your movements and social contacts .He gets furious when you talk to a man or even take a side glance at another male.
He thinks the rules that apply to you ,doesn’t apply to him because he is superior.
He Physically Abuses You
Lundy Bancroft defines physical abuse towards a woman as ,’’ he raises a fist; punches a hole in the wall; throws things at you; blocks your way; restrains you; grabs, pushes,or pokes you; or threatens to hurt you,’’
These are all signs of physical abuse.You should not live with a man who physically abuses you because as time passes he will become more dangerous.
You have read all the signs,now let your intuition help you decide whether he is abusive or not.
If you think you are in an abusive relationship i recommend reading these books,Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and When Love Goes Wrong by Ann Jones and Susan Schechter, to help you get out of it.