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Single Girl's Survival Guide

Updated on May 4, 2011
There's a man out there for everybody!
There's a man out there for everybody!

Things you think about in a bath

Last night, while reclining in the bath staring at my disgustingly dirty feet, I had a thought or two. (As one does when one reclines in the bath.) My first thought, was that I must bath more regularly. Just because I am single and nobody other than me ever sets eyes on this naked bod, doesn't mean that I shouldn't take care of myself. I think sometimes, when we are single, we stop caring about simple things such as a relaxing bath.

Okay, okay, okay. I know what you are thinking but you are completely wrong. You are thinking that I never bath, aren't you? Well, you are wrong. I bath at least once a month, and before you all get on your high horses and put a peg on your nose before you read another word written by someon so dirty and smelly, I shower. Regularly. Like every day. I am a sort of a clean person. What I have discovered, is that showers never manage to clean all the dust and dirt on your feet and it becomes ingrained. (Mental note to myself. Invest in a pumice stone, foot scraper and scrubbing brush.) But then, as I have nobody to suck on my toes, does that really matter? Well, it should matter to me. Looking at the dirt from my feet rising to the surface of the bath, it obviously it doesn't. (Another mental note: Buy different sandals that don't let the sand in.) Like maybe, the five drops of water that drip slowly from my shower are not enough to clean me properly. Ah, for the Power Shower I had in China! If you removed the shower head, and adjusted it to a strong pressured stream of water and aimed it at your nether regions. OMIGOD! But I digress. No Power Showers in Tanzania. But then, I never managed to get dirty feet in China either. Guess you can't have everything!

Lying in my bath (which is actually very small and a tight fit unlike the clawfoot giant bath I had in China) I surveyed the dreadlocks attaching themselves to the sides of the bath. (Mental note: Shave your legs once a week.) Nobody looks at my legs, so why should I shave? Well, for a start when you do shave, the dreadlocks clog up the drain. And you don't want to star in a circus as the freak hairy leg lady now, do you? So, just because I am single, I must not neglect certain things. I must bath, pay attention to my feet, shave my legs weekly and ah, start wearing perfume. My last perfume I received as a gift from a man ran out about six months ago. Sadly, I have never in my life bought myself perfume. That's a man's job to buy it for me. But, alack, alas, there are no men out there, especially perfume-buying men for me in Tanzania. The closest I'd get as a gift of perfume would be a glass Coke bottle filled with zebra urine!

That's when I thought, we really need a Survival Guide for Old Single Women like me. The young girls, they don't have the same problem. They still toff themselves up, layer on the make-up, shave the legs, always hopeful that every time they go out, they might bump into Mr Right. The One. Balderdash and poppycock, I say, with tears of laughter in my eyes. There is no Mr Right or The One. There are just good guys and bad guys. Some of them, might even be somebody else's good guy. But nobody is perfect. If they are, how frigging boring would that be?

So, why are some of us old woman single? With some of us it's by choice, others it was somebody else's choice, circumstances beyond their control. But the end of the day, we are single and need to get ourselves out of the rut. We need to watch what we eat, not to make us look good, but because that is healthy and we need to take care of our bodies as we don't have anybody else to take care of it for us. We need to take more care with our appearance, not to try and attract men like flies to a pile of elephant dung, but to feel good about ourselves. Subconciously, we project to the outside world what we feel inside. We want to show the world we are confident about our singlehood, or is it singleness. Stop waiting for Mr Right to ride into your life on his muscular noble steed, making you swoon and faint, professing his undying love and desire to live happily ever after with you. You're an old single girl now, take some mature steps into the future by making some changes in your way of being, thinking and doing, and love will come. If you want love, that is.  Some of us have reached the stage where we enjoy being alone, we prefer our own company.  At least, I usually always agree with everything I say.  But sometimes i think, wouldn't it be nice to share this with someone?  Don't I want some old man to push my wheelchair for me in the dementia care centre?  I think the key is to start enjoying life here and now - every second of it.

Plan holidays away by yourself.  Experience the world.  And if you can't afford it, then rent a travel DVD, close your curtains, lock your door and tell all your married friends you've gone away on a great holiday.  Make them green with jealousy.  You're not lying!  You've just gone on a virtual holiday!  And if your friends keep asking you about the man in your life, just tell them you're on a short break as he has to do a little jail time.  That'll shut them up.  Don't let being single get you down, shave those legs, buy some great perfume and start to LIVE!



 

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    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 5 years ago from Cape Town

      Haha glad to have caused a smile Bossidy!

    • profile image

      bossldy wilkins 5 years ago

      This really made my morning. I was interested in the title clicked on the blog and couldn't stop reading.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 5 years ago from Cape Town

      Cbpoet, thanks and have an awesomely successful 2012!

    • cbpoet profile image

      cbpoet 5 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

      Kudos to you and all the single ladies in America- including myself.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 6 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Ubalidon! Nice suit!

    • ubalildon profile image

      ubalildon 6 years ago

      nice hub...keep it up

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah Eileen, this guy is hot stuff, eh? lol

    • Eileen Hughes profile image

      Eileen Hughes 7 years ago from Northam Western Australia

      Oh boy I hope thats not your new boyfriend. He may need a bath too. and possibly a shave. Great funny hub, we all need to laugh more there is always murders and rapes and crime shows on TV. I love laughter, like this. Really enjoyed it.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Hey OD, he's probably somebody's father or husband, and they might think he's the kindest person ever lol

    • Obscurely Diverse profile image

      Obscurely Diverse 7 years ago from Tennessee, U.S., Earth, Milky Way via Cosmos

      I landed here, just to try and identify what species that creature is - that you have depicted above. That guy is beyond dental repair, among other things... Yikes!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Yeah Habee, he might be the stuff nightmares are made of, but I'm sure inside he has a good heart

    • habee profile image

      Holle Abee 7 years ago from Georgia

      This was simply great! Loved it! I think I'll have nightmares about the pic, however.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Haha Blue Dog, bet George Clooney wouldn't be impressed!

    • blue dog profile image

      blue dog 7 years ago from texas hill country

      this was great! including that photo of george clooney was a brilliant touch.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Lorlie, I looked long and hard for that photo of your ex some stalking and all, lol

      TM, we have to laugh at ourselves, eh?

    • Trusted Marketing profile image

      Trusted Marketing 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Fun always works. Thanks for the moment.

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      How on earth did you come up with a photo of my ex???

      You are an absolute crack-up, gal-thanks!

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Lita, just call me the funny frumpy frantic old woman lol!

      FP, thanks mate!

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 7 years ago

      Way to go Cindy...show 'em!!

    • Lita C. Malicdem profile image

      Lita C. Malicdem 7 years ago from Philippines

      Cindy,

      You made me laughing all the way down my breakfast table this early morning. It's the best ever hub I read, glamorizes single old women, like me. Your funny frantics really made my day. Thanks.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Thanks Enelle!

    • Enelle Lamb profile image

      Enelle Lamb 7 years ago from Canada's 'California'

      Hear hear! Thoroughly enjoyed reading this :D

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Oooo Stephen, all these compliments! What do you want from me? Lol!

    • stephensaldana profile image

      stephensaldana 7 years ago from Chicago

      Great hub!!!!!

      The clarity and balance shine from this hub. The thought of virtual holiday is sparklingly fabulous. It is filled with tremendous joy and enjoyment. The photograph is simply effortlessly- classic. The hub can be regarded as one of the most intriguing hub.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Pringboard, men do have it lucky. Bastards!

      Sa Toya, have a great playful weekend! lol

      Paradise, you are so right, the ugliest and most gross always think they are God's gift!

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 7 years ago from Upstate New York

      Great hub! (Like flies to elephant dung???) You WOULD think of elephant dung. You see a lot more elephants than we do. Yes!! Hear, hear for the single older woman. That pic of the prize-winning guy is a classic! I've met a few of those at the neighborhood waterhole. And they always think they're God's gift to women, for some reason.

    • Sa Toya profile image

      Sa Toya 7 years ago from England

      Once I manage to get over the nearly scar inducing picture, I was able to read this ;) glad I did. From one single lady to another...play on!

    • Springboard profile image

      Springboard 7 years ago from Wisconsin

      I'm still trying to get past the thought of dreadlocks on the legs. :) You women sure have to go to great lengths...we men take it for granted we can just get up, quick shave—or not—throw on something that smells okay and we're good to go.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Well BP, I could do that with the shower head in China, but here in Tanzania, the 5 drops at low pressure not much you can do!

      CMHypno, will keep you updated not that there's anything to reel in here!

    • CMHypno profile image

      CMHypno 7 years ago from Other Side of the Sun

      Great Hub Cindy, but alas I shave my legs, take long baths, wear perfume every day, do my roots regularly and am still single! Hope your shaving and self-improvement regime starts reeling them in - keep us updated on your progress!

    • blondepoet profile image

      blondepoet 7 years ago from australia

      Hahaha what exactly were you going to say you do with that shower head? Oh and that hot hunk on your page growl he is hotter than a stick of kabana.

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      Akirchner, when technology doesn't work I always have the urge to fling it!

      Ghostwhisper we are going to start a new shaving legs movement!

      Emievil, get your ass down to the shop and buy something to remove your leg dreadlocks!

    • emievil profile image

      emievil 7 years ago from Philippines

      LOL, how come you read my mind cindy? I'm not single but I don't shave my legs, honestly! Okay, okay, mental note, get something to shave my legs. Hope I don't regret this LOL.

    • Ghost Whisper 77 profile image

      The IGNITER vs Corrupted Governments 7 years ago from The U.S. Government protects Nazi War Criminals

      Heheheheh this was great reading! This single gal is going to shave her legs now..hehehe

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Central Oregon

      Technology - don't you just love it?

    • cindyvine profile image
      Author

      Cindy Vine 7 years ago from Cape Town

      I wrote personal replies to all the people who responded, clicked on Post Comment and then got a message saying 'Oops, something went wrong, try again' and all my lovely thoughtful replies vanished. I don't want to type them all again, so thanks for commenting, glad you got a laugh out of this and enjoyed the pic of Tonymac i hunted high and low to find on the net!

    • alekhouse profile image

      Nancy Hinchliff 7 years ago from Essex Junction, Vermont

      Great hub, Cindy. I love it when you let loose with that wonderful sense of humor you got goin'on. The photo at the beginning hilarious. Leave it to you to find and use something so zany!!

    • akirchner profile image

      Audrey Kirchner 7 years ago from Central Oregon

      Good lord - I surely hope that guy at the top if taken! Holy cow....a face only a mother could love - at least the teeth. Pucker up is kinda making me crazy thinking about it.....great hub though and thanks for the advice though I don't need it - but just 'had' to read!

    • sunflowerbucky profile image

      sunflowerbucky 7 years ago from Small Town, USA

      Cindy, great hub! I also think this is good advice not only for single women, but for women who have been in a relationship for a long time. It is easy to get complacent and start ignoring things like shaving and makeup when you've been with Mr. Right for ten years. Then suddenly, you wake up one morning and you've become Mrs. Scary! Good luck with your search for new sandals!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 7 years ago from United States

      Cindy, A great hub. So funny to read, and I loved the picture. I know there are woman that wish they were single. Sometimes the best place to be is where you're at (I guess that makes sense). Anyway, go on and buy yourself some perfume!

    • Philipo profile image

      Philipo 7 years ago from Nigeria

      Very nice hub with a scaring picture. Thanks for sharing.

    • Anath profile image

      Anath 7 years ago

      LOL This was way too funny. Just one thing, Mr Right might not exist but there are plenty of "Mr.fun" out there, ready to make a girl's night memorable ;-)

    • tonymac04 profile image

      Tony McGregor 7 years ago from South Africa

      Good laughs, thank you. Enjoyed it all the way. The photo at the top is the BEST! A very good likeness of me, I must say! (I didn't know anyone else had this photo of me - where'd you steal it, lady?)

      Love and peace

      Tony

    • Hello, hello, profile image

      Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

      This is a cute hub, Cindy, and I laughed my head off. Thank you for a good read.

    • dohn121 profile image

      dohn121 7 years ago from Hudson Valley, New York

      Damn this was funny, Cindy! I loved reading it as I've been meaning to read your work. I thought the idea of a virtual holiday was brilliant and the first pic of "Mr. Left" caused me fall out of my swivel chair. Thanks again! Good luck to finding Mr. Right Now (for now).