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Smiling on the outside-Hurting inside

Updated on May 22, 2012

I ask myself on a daily basis, ”Why must you use hurtful words to me?” I am not a perfect person by any means. I try my best at everything I do and no matter what I do or try to please you, it will never be good enough. To be consistently be told that you will not amount to anything, your life is one mess up, no one loves you, you are better off just leaving. I may look strong on the outside, but on the inside under that smile, I am hurting. I hide my tears and my emotions to stay strong for myself. These words bury into my heart ripping any dignity that I may have making it harder for me every day to trust anyone that I let close to me. Some people need to feel that what they say is right even though it may be wrong, to feel powerful and in control of any and all situations no matter what the outcome may be. If beating me up verbally makes you feel better about yourself, then you have no soul. Preying on others and their feelings to feel better about yourself. Why must you insist on provoking and argument? Why must you use destructive words to bring me down? Your insensitive feelings towards others and only thinking about yourself and how things only benefit you. Your sarcasm and witty snide remarks about something you may not agree with only to boost your own ego. Always pointing out my faults to make yourself look better. Guess what? They do hurt. Even though I am smiling on the outside and doing my best to ignore your hurtful words, deep down I am hurting and crying inside. Your words are more than a physical slap in the face, the pain is so much worse than you can imagine. My question to you is “Why can you not put it behind you?” Why can you not move on?

Even though you are cruel and disrespectful, I know that there is one person in my life rooting for me, giving me the strength to carry on. My life is too precious, and it breaks my heart that no matter what I say or do, I will never amount to anything in your eyes. I will fight for my right to live, be carefree and carry on. Not matter what I know that giving up is not the answer that I am searching for. I will not let you diminish what dignity that I have left in my soul. I will find the strength to carry on. Your words as innocent as they are show how evil you can be, how you leave finger marks on my heart and soul, leaving me powerless to you grip. I wonder if you will ever feel the hurt like me. I used to think that you would never hurt me, that you would always be there for me. To nurture me, protect me and love me. I wish you were different, that you cared, that you could let go. Instead, you left me alone.

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