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So, Will You Be a Plus 1 This Year, Ms. Macon?

Updated on December 12, 2019
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Ms. Macon is an advice columnist and content writer for radio and television commercials. Catch her on Ask A Bitchface, truly funny truth.

Is this the year Ms. Macon has a plus one?

Ahh, the time honored holiday tradition; Am I planning to be a plus one, and every other failure I've tucked under my belt in the past 364 days.

Here we are again, fine readers. We're readdressing one of my top 5 topics: Why do I not have a significant other? Let's be clear, it certainly isn't for lack of folks asking me about it.

They ask it in direct questions. They ask in passive aggressive fashion. They ask under the guise of being helpful. They ask when attempting to point out what a Bitchface I am, as though I'm not aware of that.

Trust me, people, I'm aware.

Honestly, I would rather immediately know that someone doesn't measure up to the bar I've set...

Look, I have no issue admitting my standards are, indeed, high.

Also, I'll readily admit my tolerance for any level of dumb shit and shenanigans, low. I don't feel that's detrimental in any way, shape, or form.

Honestly, I would rather immediately know someone doesn't measure up to the bar I've set, then reset for myself.

I don't want to get 6 months in and look around and see feet on my coffee table at 2pm on a Tuesday, as some jobless, cheesy poof inhaling stoner is hitting me up for gas money to get back to his parents basement.

Every part of that scenario is an absolute hell no...

I'm 40 years old...

Every part of that scenario is an absolute hell no. There isn't any part of the hypothetical that could be a level of acceptable at this stage in my life. Why? Because I have standards. If you don't meet them, that isn't my problem. That is, without a doubt, absolutely your problem.

Yet, anytime there is a discussion about me having a set criteria for a potential partner, I'm flooded with hate mail. I'm told of the problems plaguing women my age with standards. We expect too much. We're all washed up and should take whatever shit is tracked onto our rug and smile about it.

Single, and "yes, very much happy that way".

Not on your life, dude.

I may not be in my 20's any longer, but I consider that a tic in the positive column. I have a head on my shoulders, and a knowledge base to draw from. I don't have to be the gullible chic I once was, I recognize nonsense when I hear it. Because, yes, I have heard it all before. Twice, actually.

Not only do I not need a reason to consider you below spec in terms of my personal quality control testing, I also don't have to defend my calculations. You don't add up to worthy of my time and that's the end of the discussion. You don't like my algebraic conclusion? Yeah, tough shit.

As much as I love to defend my stance...

My "single, and, really, I am happy this way", I must admit, this whole speech gets redundant. I shouldn't feel the need to explain, yet again, how I am not currently dating because I just don't want the headache. I don't need the stress. I just don't want the drama.

I think that explanation should be enough to close the matter. It rarely is. I suppose we'll try it again this year. Don't fret, I'll keep you posted.

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