Special Rules for Successful Prom Dates

what time it is and as you should. It's now Prom Night across the nation and man, what an exciting time it is for teenage guys and girls--all dressed to the nines in their best dresses, shoes, and hairstyles. Oh, don't forget about the old fashioned guys who still pin their corsages on their pretty girls before the date begins.

It is tough as the dickens to aptly describe what it is really like for a teenage boy at Prom Night. I know that I am not telling anyone anything new and at the same time I may be exposing a bit of touchy advice for all teen boys who live in dread to take their best girl to the prom dance.

It's rough, to say the least. And even today, many adults still do not get it. The parents of this intelligent, humble-hearted guy, watches in terror as their son slowly dissolves as their date, let's call her, "Jenny," stand right before their eyes.

you are all saying, aww, it's just nature's way for young people to grow and develop responsible adults. When did you ever see or hear any set of parents use this statement? I never had my parents saying this statement for I did not get to attend any prom--junior or senior. True, friends. I remember a hub that I wrote when I wrote the ugly truth about kids like myself not being financially-able to take a pretty girl whom I liked to take to my proms.

My heart still aches even today in 2017.

Amidst the fanfare of getting the tux, shoes, and hair styled, there is that ever-dreadful thing called "the prom date." Yes, the "prom date." Unless you, teen guys, are built like Superman and looks better than Pierce Brosnan, you are in deep trouble.

I will gently elaborate what I mean it means for you, the teenage guys to endure and hopefully succeed what it is like to have a "prom date."

Although I cannot place any book of such social rules or principles anywhere, it will not matter, for I have my own Special Rules for Successful Prom Dates.

• If your teen guy is talking at the speed of light, urge your dad or mom to either relax or shut up. Your son's pretty prom date is not even ready. And never ask your sister to advise you about your nerves for any normal sister will only make you even more nervous then laugh at you.
• I know that you are an excited male teen who is anxious to get into the family Buick and head out to take your pretty prom date, but watch it! While inspecting every square inch of your appearance, you neglected to check your zipper and oops, your pretty prom date will not laugh at you at once, but simply giggle slightly and when you do see the open fly, your self image will be crushed.
• When you finally meet your pretty prom date, who incidentally is the Homecoming Queen--blond, perfect teeth, figure and a smile to melt steel, finds out that you have never pinned on her corsage thanks to your hands shaking like a cat burglar, so you surge on anyway and oops, that sharp pin went a tad too deep inside her, uhhh, chest area. Nuff' said.
• Any self-respecting parents of a teenage prom date girlfriend almost always waits to meet her young man to take her to the prom, but when the mom asks her to share some tasty punch, he gets choked and almost suffocates while the parents are calling the ambulance. What does the pretty prom girl do? I can give you three answers and none of them are crying their eyes out.

• As nervous as you are, "Young Teen Male," you are actually driving pretty well even with your hot girlfriend's prom date's seductive perfume now giving you fits. So in a moment of weakness, you forget that both hands are on the family Buick, and oops, that quick, shared embrace spells you and the pretty girl prom date is headed directly toward the highway median.
• Your teen son is doing quite well for your first prom date. Hey, you even ate a hearty dinner of sweet potatoes, cabbage with onions, and vanilla ice cream for every teen knows that their adrenaline is rushing faster than the late Walter "Sweetness" Payton, so you relax while holding your pretty prom date's hand and your intestines relax and oops, out comes a loud, very nasty gassy sound that means your pretty prom date will laugh at you all night long. NOTE: pretty prom girl dates do not pass gas on dates or in any public gathering. It is just rude and unladylike.
• You and your prom date have plenty of time to, uhhh, partake in some, uhh, controlled substance in a Hefty sandwich bag. Get my drift? As soon as that weedy substance kicks in, you are not as proficient as the pretty prom party girl date is and you lose your judgment and begin to speak about pure foolishness even as the hard-working girl at the Sonic starts to think you are a complete idiot. But thanks to the quick-thinking party prom girl, she drives thanks to her being very experienced in such things as weeds.
• Do you remember that loud, nasty gassy sound? Well to make your date even worse, that loud, gassy sound was not all that happened inside of your well-pressed tuxedo and under garments. Yep. "It," happened. This coupled with the pretty party prom girl's identifying "it" almost making her pass out from the stench, she laughs even harder and now starts crying. What a perfectly disastrous first prom date.

• The "weed" is finally wearing off and you are very glad. You can salvage the rest of your prom date experience, but you have forgotten that your mouth is still full of punch laced with Jack Daniels who someone sneaked into the punch bowl. Someone only wanting to speak to you says, "Hey, Dirk! Is that your pretty date, 'Julie'"? You, out of a bad case of nerves, start to yell out, "YESS," as the mixture of punch and whiskey spews out of your mouth directly onto the face of your class sponsor, "Mrs. Duckaline," who will never forget this instance.
• Another thing that the cool teen male has forgotten besides not making sure his fly is fastened is when he is dancing with the prom date, his tux pants slide to the dance floor while the entire junior (or senior) class is glaring at your dirty tidy whitey's and dirty thanks to both of you forgetting to get yourself cleaned up from that residue that came from the loud, gassy sounds in your car. The crowd on the floor cannot stop laughing and now it's time for you to head to the men's room, but only for draining your stomach due to a sudden nausea.
• "Weed" has played some terrible tricks to our American teenagers. One nasty trick this teen guy that I am talking about tries to do some soft speaking to his pretty prom girl, but instead of his brain telling his mouth to say is, "what a great body you have," the teen guy says, "man, you are one sweaty pig." Enter a harsh slap to his face via the pretty prom date. NOTE: even the late "Father of Gonzo Journalism," Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, would love to have lived to written an essay like this one.
• Our resourceful teenage guy has an idea. He ducks to the men's room and slips a hard sip of some emergency vodka he had hidden in his suit pocket to calm him down for so far, this is the worst prom date ever. To be honest, he downs the entire pint of vodka, but feels pretty mellow and now feels like dancing and being a cool dude. That was until he strolls back to his prom date only to have his legs start wobbling and tangling like old rubber bands and sends her to his body on top of her on the gymnasium floor--her screaming as loud as a banshee. Yeah. That emergency vodka. What a neat trick.

• On the way to drive your pretty prom date, "Julie," home, she is still upset and now pouting. "was that necessary to call me a sweaty pig?" she snaps. "no, not at all, sweetie," teen guy responds very repentant. "no, babe, you are not sweaty at all," teen guy puts both feet in his mouth. There goes one of those nasty tricks from "weed" again, teen guys.
• Your tux is now rags, shreds, your right eye is now black due to "Jim Jockston," the captain of the team football team, but you carry on. Bound to end this prom date on a good note. The miles roll on. You, teen guy, says something really softly, "babe, what do you feel like doing?" Then as if magic, she smiles and softly giggles. Hotdog! It's romance time, teen guy thinks to himself. Instead of a night of prom time love, she slugs you like that of Floyd "Money" Meriweather almost making you out for the count. You just had to ask, right teen guy?
• Time is running out. You best come up with something quickly. "Hey, Julie," he says seriously. "Why can't we just park in the moonlight and just hold each other and try for me to get past causing you all of this foolishness and bloodshed?" "Julie," nods in agreement. She puts her soft head on your shoulder. Then she slowly, silently opens your car door sending you to the pavement. You now fire up your car and drive her to her house and says, "if I ever see you again, you complete idiot, I promise by everything sacred that I will tear your heart out and squeeze your body out like dish water!"
• Teen guy, we do offer you these sincere apologies, but hey, it wasn't all a disaster. Think about it. At least you didn't die from all of your foolish antics did you?"

Good night, Akron, Ohio.