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Spouse had an affair

Updated on August 4, 2014

Dealing with emotions.

I found out that my spouse cheated on me recently. Now what to do about the affair and what to do about the relationship. How to handle the trust issues. How to get all of these awful thoughts out of my head. I cannot sleep. When I do actually drop off to sleep I have mini nightmares. When I become totally conscious the first and only thoughts in my head are of the affair.

We started out so happy.

How did this all come about. Basically, we always thought we were the perfect couple. Love came easy to us when we started dating. We just sort of jelled and didn't have to work on the relationship. We hardly ever argued. My spouses' companion had just called it off a few months earlier. I was coming out of a divorce. We both agreed that we were not looking for or planning on getting serious with anyone anytime soon. Life was one happy romp in the bed, followed by another happy romp in the bed. We couldn't believe how two personalities could fit together so well. We did everything together. When i say everything together, I mean everything, every second we could be together. The only thing we did not do together was poop together.

This easy relationship went on for almost four, happy, blissful years. Then we decided to tie the knot. But, first I should digress. We built a house together before we were married. After living there a year or so, we got married. We survived building a house together and now were moving on with our lives as a married couple. The only problem was we weren't smart enough to realize that relationships have to have work involved. We fooled ourselves into believing that we didn't have to work at it. We started going apart and actually did not realize it. Looking back, I don't know if we would have been able to fix it then. It wasn't actual denial, but I think it was subconscious ignorance.


We were both moving on with our careers, working for the same company. Our careers did not compete with one another and we did not actually work together. We did work the same shift and had the same days off. Let me clarify the days off. The days off were set by work sections for the entire year. If we weren't in the same section then we would never had a day off together unless one of took vacation days. Anyway, we built another house together and rented out the first house.

Life was still good, but we didn't know the storm was just over the horizon. Due to our lack of working to fix our relationship we were about to be slapped back to reality. My spouse expressed dissatisfaction about the relationship. I tried to fix it but didn't really know what I was trying to fix. This kind of drifted along and the relationship was really suffering but we did not know how to get us back on track.

Maybe a 10th honeymoon can fix it

For our 10th anniversary we went on a week long cruise. We started out like a ball of fire. We got on board the first day, drank like fish and screwed like wild animals. We even had the room steward walk in and quickly walk out. The second day we both kind of had a little hangover. On the third day was had a shore excursion. This consisted of more drinking and since my spouse chose to eat some Asian buffet, later included minor food poisoning. That night was spent on the bathroom floor with my spouse pretty much incoherent, vomiting and pooping on the floor. I got the clean-up detail and no sleep. After this food poisoning episode this basically took away the romance. The romance was not taken away due to the activities on the bathroom floor, but taken away because we were unable to effectively communicate about health issues. This means if I asked, "How do you feel?" The answer would be, "feeling better." I took this to mean no sex and maybe a little embarrassment from being so sick.

After the cruise things got worse in the "communicating" department. Even though we both tried to fix it, we couldn't because we didn't know how. We didn't know how because we had never had to fix it in the past.

Affair Time

So my spouse now located a former lover on Facebook. I guess one exchange led to another and the plans were laid to have a meeting in another state. My spouse was using the story of going to a lake house with a same sex classmate. But, since my suspicions were already on alert, I snooped on Facebook and found about 35 printed pages of messages between the two of them. Pretty graphic dialogue and very emotionally damaging. When I confronted my spouse on the evidence the morning after the rendezvous there was no lying involved. A confession was given. However, my spouse was meeting the classmate for the weekend, also. Guess sex with an old lover and catching up with a classmate go hand-in-hand. This was on a Monday and my spouse refused to come home until Wednesday. This left me with no one to talk to and to be totally alone with whatever thoughts came to my head. Needless to say in two days time I slept about four hours, ate about 2 pieces of toast and went to my doctor for a prescription to ease my anxiety. What a way to drop a few pounds.

My spouse finally came home. We both wanted to mend the relationship and continue on. Never before did I ever have any plans other than leaving my spouse if this were to happen. I did find out how much I loved my spouse. I liken it to an iceberg. I thought the amount of love I had for my spouse was that part showing above the water. I found out that there was and is a lot more love below the surface that I didn't even know existed. Of course, my spouse has apologized profusely and thought that a divorce was on the horizon. Actually, and to my surprise, the thought of a divorce did not seriously cross my mind.


When my spouse got home we had about a 10 hour talk it out session. No yelling, no name calling, just a frank, kind of civil discussion. I explained the dark thoughts and demons that had been tormenting me for the past two days. My spouse explained a few things but basically let me do the talking and expressing of feelings.

My spouse expected a week or so of sleeping apart and having little interaction. Since neither of us had a "play book" on how to survive an affair we didn't do the separation thing. I kind of figured if you spent any time apart then you had to fix that before you could get back to the big problem. Luckily I had called in sick to work when it first started. My spouse called in sick to work and we were able to work and concentrate on fixing the problem. We were off for 16 days together. This time was invaluable for talking things out. Emotions and feelings were expressed without having to hurry things up due to work. We continue to heal. We both want "us" back together. Emotions are still expressed and some hurtful things are said but not in a hateful manner. We both know the road ahead will be difficult. We both want the same thing..those two carefree individuals that got married 10 years ago.

Take my spouse back

Should I forgive and take my spouse back?

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    • Marie Lepanto profile image

      Marie Lepanto 3 years ago from Central U.S.

      Thank you for caring enough to comment. Hope you get all the good things in life and enjoy each day.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago

      Aw, I am very sorry to hear this Marie, but it sounds like you guys are communicating great now, and that is wonderful. I'm glad you found it in yourself to forgive, but it must be so hard. I wish decades of more happy years for you both, with a complete renewal, and as you said "work" to keep things going well. God bless,