- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice»
- Breaking Up
Marriage & Relationships: Stay or Leave and Fear Being Alone, Two Examples
Should you stay or should you go, and how should you do it? Will you be alone for the rest of your life if you leave? Whether or not to leave an unhappy relationship and strike out alone can be an agonizing decision for many.
Viewing it from a different perspective will help you. Below we outline a couple case studies and show that there are alternative options to conventional wisdom.
Case study problem #1:
"Alan and I agreed to be committed to each other even though I felt like he may have been more interested in financial security (I make well over six figures and Alan is a struggling musician). He admitted that he cheated once (but I suspect more). But he's grown up a lot since then and promises me that he's changed. I think we have a chance together, especially since our physical/s.e.xual connection is so incredible. I think he may be "the one" and worry that if I don't stay with him, I may miss the opportunity to ever be loved again."
Traditional thinking and solution:
Believe his pleas about how he's grown up (never mind that his nature dictates that he needs variety and that he'll either stray again or be unhappy being strictly monogamous), bite the bullet and get married. After all, everyone knows that marriage improves all relationships and secures happiness; this is why so many people rush into this legally binding situation.
You're considering a commitment with a man who cheated on you and who may be more interested in your money than you? Based on Alan's birth data, what we intuit, and what you've told us, he's not the monogamous type or someone you'll be able to trust or depend on. If you don't make a commitment with him, are you missing the opportunity to ever be loved again? We doubt it, but more importantly, you need to ask yourself if being with him is worth the misery he will likely cause you both.
If the physical/sexual connection is mind-blowing, but he isn't the monogamous type, you do have other options besides all (marriage and its expectations) or nothing (dumping him). Perhaps he's meant to be in your life in a different capacity, such as a "friend with benefits" or as a secondary partner. This arrangement can work if both partners are mature and honest and have no expectations of it leading to anything more.
However, in these situations (and all relationships, for that matter), never assume anyone is being strictly monogamous or practicing safe sex with other partners. Always practice safe s.ex and use condoms. That may sound untrusting or paranoid to some, but we've known too many people who've contracted STDs, including HIV, from partners, even those in relationships that they assumed were monogamous. Don't be foolish. Play safe 100% of the time. Some people have good intentions and want to be honest and keep their promises, but their nature contradicts that; they simply cannot. Their urges and agendas and excuses and justifications are more important to them.
Case study problem #2:
"I have been in a long-term relationship for 15 years, since I was 26. I don't feel my other half is my true soul mate. However, I'm not sure that I'll ever find my true soul mate, so I remain with my boyfriend. He's a great guy, but when people talk of true love, I know this just isn't it. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, and has been for the last 9 years. I'm worried that if I end my relationship I'm too old to find someone else, so I just stay where I am because I don't want to grow old alone..."
Traditional thinking and solution:
You're past your prime. Just make the most of your current situation.
You two are essentially roommates who masquerade as a couple. Though it's true that everyone has many soul mates, he doesn't seem to be one of your more compatible ones. You're not too old to find someone else or to enjoy being single. In fact, we've known many people who look their best, even very s.e.xy, in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond, especially if they exercise often (including yoga), meditate for stress relief and awareness, maintain diets that work for them, such as whole and raw foods, avoid drugs and excess alcohol, and do internal cleansing. If you make time to make the most of yourself, you will reap the rewards. In addition, personal timing (as discerned through comprehensive numerology and astrology), not age, dictates when you'll meet a compatible match.
As far as growing old alone goes, having a partner now is no guarantee that he or she will be there later in life, or that they will be a remedy for your loneliness. Alternatively, invest time in quality friends and family, volunteer, turn off the TV, and join groups that interest you, and, or get a pet.
Everyone is, for the most part, programmed from birth to believe they need to find the one perfect person to meet all of their needs for the rest of their lives. Remarkably, this is often expected by people in their 20s, when they are too young to really know themselves. This is impossible, but many still strive for it and then think they or the relationship "failed" if their expectations aren't met. Stop looking outside yourself for love or for a soul mate to fulfill your every need for the rest of your life. The sooner you can do that, the happier you'll be.
If you are alone now or at times in-between relationships, learn to love being alone; this is your time to concentrate on other areas of life and help others with what you've learned. Make a difference in someone's life and, or the world.
Finally, what is the root cause of your fear of being alone? Where did it all start? It's not just because you don't like being alone. It goes much deeper than that. Find out through regular meditation and, or past life regression. Regular meditation will also help you connect with your higher-self and God, and with this awareness, it will be easier to let go of the unhealthy fear of solitude. Remember, it's only a fear, one that you have control over if you choose.
Copyright © Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo