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Journal of a Love Addict; How to Cope With Loving a Non-Addict

Updated on April 30, 2020

If you're reading this article, you may believe that you are a love addict. These are people who are obsessed with the idea of love. Often times are huge fans of romantic movies and a total sucker for affection. They are heavily devoted to their platonic relationships as well as their romantic ones. Their goal is to be the best friend/partner they can be and are the true definition of ride or die. But what happens when this hopeless romantic falls for an emotionally unavailable individual, a toxic partner, all in all a non-addict?

At first, everything is a dream just as you hoped. The cup cake stage, where you meet your partner at their best and more than likely not their true selves. However, you are already imagining what a future with this person might be like. As time passes you grow fonder of this idea and much sooner than expected become attached and committed. You go out of your way to make sure this person is happy and plans to stay with you. Of course, your expectations are that your partner does the same. You expect them to think as you do and do as you do when it comes to how they treat you. "I give you everything, do you not love me as much to do the same" is a constant thought because your actions and thoughts comes so easily it just amazes you how they cant feel the same. This is where the cup cake stage comes to an end. Arguments are the norm and your partner is completely overwhelmed. Not being able to reciprocate your energy makes them feel hopeless and it makes you feel worthless. They start giving up while you put all your efforts into fixing the situation which only makes it worse. Can this relationship be saved? If so, how do you even start?

Warning, there is no quick fix to this sort of dilemma. This can take years as the first step is to change your idea of what love is. People love differently and no way is greater than the other. Forcing your partner to love the way you love is only going to make them distance from you. You need to accept that Love is not what you see on television or in romance novels and that your fairy tale probably is not going to happen as you imagined it. But if you allow your partner to love you in their own way it can be just as magical. Your expectations are going to always cross your mind, you may be faced with doubts. But remind yourself of the fact that your partner is trying. Encourage that effort and communicate. Let them know that you appreciate it and stop getting caught up in making it all about who loves who more. This leads to the second step. A relationship is not a competition. Yes, it should be 50/50 but how do you expect a 50/50 relationship to work when you push to give the 100. You cant see why that would ever be a problem, who does not want somebody that would give them their all? You need to stop trying to overachieve and relax with your partner, find things you both enjoy and have some fun! get out of your head

Thirdly, compromise is your best friend. If you and your partner truly want to salvage what's left of your relationship this is the key. Meet each other in the middle. Partnering it with good communication even better! Express how you feel about a situation without getting into a heated argument. LISTEN and UNDERSTAND each other's points without internalizing why they do not feel as passionately as you do or why they do not agree with you. It does not affect how much they love you, its just a disagreement. Discuss how you would both like to handle the situation and come to a compromise.

The most important step is to build a stronger relationship with yourself. All that love you want to give away? invest it in yourself. Stop planning dates and take some personal days. Go take a stroll on the beach, get some ice cream whatever you enjoy doing but on your own. Put these dates on a calendar and make time for yourself, no excuses. Spend time with your family and friends. Remind yourself that your sole purpose is not a relationship. That your partner is not your entire world. Let them be apart of your world. You are your world. If you can not make yourself happy how would they? Putting the responsibility of carrying your entire happiness on your partner is draining. They should add to that. You try to give them all the happiness in the world in hopes of getting it back because without getting it back, you are not happy. Lets fix that.

I hope this article makes you feel less alone. I hope that i gave you hope.

© 2020 Mary Harry

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    • Mary Harry profile imageAUTHOR

      Mary Harry 

      4 weeks ago from Barbados

      You’re more than welcome. Thank you for taking the time out to read it

    • Lauren Richards profile image

      Lauren Richards 

      4 weeks ago from Nigeria

      Thank you for the article. It is a breathtaking and I love your ingenuity

    • Mary Harry profile imageAUTHOR

      Mary Harry 

      5 weeks ago from Barbados

      @dashingscorpio I completely agree with the points that you made. However I am still of the belief that in cases of love addiction the issue is mostly with themself, it isn’t a case of find somebody that is already what you want. There is no such thing as perfect love everybody has their own baggage. There will always be a need for compromise. You may be compatible with somebody and still have disagreements. In no way or form am I saying to accept being treated as ordinary or to suffer. What I am saying is that if your partner has imperfections in areas that you push to be the absolute best in, it should not discredit their efforts in a relationship. If you simply are not in love with this person or do not wish to have a long term relationship with them then fine that’s your choice but if at the end of the day this is the person you want to marry. Why shouldn’t you compromise? Sometimes you can’t help who you fall for and it’s much easier said than done to just find somebody perfect. Love addicts seek perfection. That is a suffering in it self. If they are to follow the idea of finding someone who wants what they want they may never be satisfied. You are never going to find somebody who wants everything that you want and wants to achieve it in exactly the ways you want to unless you’re planning to date yourself? There will always be differences. Embrace those differences IF YOU WANT THIS PERSON. That so called “suffering” is what re births into a beautiful romance between yourself and your partner. Love can get messy. But if you want to you can try to clean it up (wow that was super cringe )

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      5 weeks ago from Chicago

      There is no amount of "work" or 'communication" which can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

      Ideally you want to choose someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship as you do, and naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things. Last but not least have a mutual depth of love and desire for each other.

      Compatibility trumps compromise.

      Like attracts like and opposites attract divorce attorneys!

      If you or your mate has to change your (core being) in order to make a relationship work it probably means you're with the WRONG person. Human beings make mistakes in all areas of life including mate selection.

      When it comes to love and relationships most of us (fail our way) to success. Very few people hit a homerun their first, second, third, or fourth time up at bat. If this were not the case we would all be married to our high school sweethearts!

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships. We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      No one is "stuck" with anyone! Suffering is optional.

      The goal is to have a "soulmate" not a cellmate.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

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