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All About Liars, Lies and Lying

Updated on October 31, 2016
Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

Marcy has researched and written about relationships, domestic issues, dating, and con-artists for more than a decade.

Are You Dating a Liar?

It's not always easy to spot a lie, and it's even harder to overcome the problem of lying.
It's not always easy to spot a lie, and it's even harder to overcome the problem of lying. | Source

Dishonesty | Lies Will Destroy Trust

People of all ages lie, and it's never too early to pay attention to the damage lies can create. If you have a friend who lies, you already see how it has eroded your trust in that person.

Read on for facts and details about how lying can become a habit, and if left unaddressed, can become so ingrained that it's hard to stop that pattern. Be sure to take the anonymous poll below to share your opinion.

The early teen years, from ages 13-15, can bring more than changes to the body. For some teens, a habit starts developing that can create long-lasting problems - the habit of lying. But it's also a pattern that can be overcome.

Stretching the truth (or downright fictionalizing what you say) distorts more than just the facts, it can strain friendships, family relationships, school performance and every other part of your life. And it can become a damaging habit that lasts throughout the rest of your life.

In the famous children's story, Pinocchio, as long as he keeps lying, the main character is just a puppet. Only when he stops lying does he take charge of his own life and become a real boy. Prior to that, lies are like the strings that control him; he has given up his power to them, and his words and motions are no longer his own.

Here's how to identify if lying has become a problem, how to recognize the problems it can create and ways to overcome the habit.

Do you know someone who lies? Take this anonymous poll and share your feelings.

How does it affect your friendship when someone you know is a liar.

See results

Sissela Bok's Famous Book About the Problems of Lying

Are You Lying? Are Your Friends Lying?

Lying can take many forms, and it can be difficult to spot.

Parents begin to suspect lying is a problem when their teen becomes evasive and dodges details in conversations. But sometimes lies expand, and become more than just avoiding the truth.

When this happens, the liar actually begins manufacturing stories out of thin air, and as time goes on, the stories become more and more elaborate. But with practice, the stories are also more believable. It's easy to see how a teen (or anyone else) whose lies have taken on a life of their own can soon be confused about what is real and what isn't real. As time goes by, people who lie to this degree take on the life they've manufactured and avoid real life.

In the worst-case scenario, there's a risk of losing touch with reality (people begin to suspect the liar believes his or her own lies). Many skilled liars, though, know the difference between truth and fiction, but have become 'addicted' to telling lies.

Are there times the facts don't quite add up? This could be a warning sign.

Do you, your friends, or your teen child suddenly have amazing experiences to share? The attention someone gets from 'telling tales' can become addictive, and can lead to some psychological disorders that are extremely hard to treat.

In some of its most severe forms, those who lie create an entire life based on defrauding others, exaggerating their life and living an artificial existence that sucks everyone in their life into their personal turmoil. Persons who lie to this degree ultimately live in isolation and are often abandoned by friends and relatives.

If you find yourself embellishing your life through telling lies (even 'small' ones), or if someone you know has developed this habit, be aware of the serious ramifications that can result from it.

People Who Lie are in Pain

Lying hurts everyone, of all ages.
Lying hurts everyone, of all ages. | Source

Do you lie? Share your feelings through this anonymous poll.

How do you feel after you tell a lie?

See results

Liars Hurt Themselves, Too

Those around liars begin setting up barriers and filters to avoid become part of the vicious cycle, or to protect themselves from the harm lies cause in their lives. Liars eventually lose friends over their stories; what started out as a way for the liar to control others ends up controlling the liar's life and driving away those he or she loves and admires.

To some teens, lies seem to offer more 'freedom' than the truth. These teens mistakenly believe this gives them leverage over others.

While it's true that the person telling the lie has the 'power' in a conversation (they have information the other person isn't privy to), liars actually lose personal power by giving themselves up to a world based on fantasy, fiction and avoidance.

Liars are always internally nervous and on edge about the risk of being discovered. A habitual liar will soon feel constant tension from trying to remember each story they've told, and to whom they've told it.

This is extremely stressful emotionally, and even causes physical damage if allowed to continue. Many health conditions are aggravated by stress (acne, asthma, diabetes and heart issues are just a few). If a teen has skin eruptions before a test or a bit event, lying will only cause their skin to erupt even more.

Life becomes extremely complicated for teens who lie - rather than spending their energy enjoying sports, dating, doing school work or having fun with friends, their lives are controlled by their lies and the need to cover their tracks and avoid being caught.

Eventually, liars cannot remember every lie, and also cannot remember who they've lied to, and their life is no longer their own.

When a liar tells yet more lies to avoid admitting they have been untruthful, their suffering doubles when the truth surfaces (and, regardless of what a liar might think, it will always surface). They suffer from the lie itself as well as for covering up the lie and allowing it to be sustained.

It can be painful to own up to a lie, but it's far less painful than having lies discovered by others and learning you are no longer trusted.

Some Reasons People Lie

What to Do If Your Boyfriend | Girlfriend is a Liar

If you know someone who tells lies, it can create chaos in your friendship and drive you away from them. Here are tips for dealing with a friend who is not being truthful.

First, protect yourself. Try to avoid getting drawn into the stories they weave, and don't let yourself become emotionally involved with them (as in, dating them).

The reason for this is that liars often need an audience (sometimes called a 'supplier,' because they supply the attention they seek). Craving and seeking attention through falsehoods can sometimes signal a serious personality disorder such as narcissism (which involves exaggerating yourself through stretching the truth).

A person whose lying has become habitual is often referred to as a 'pathological liar,' which means lying is part of the architecture of their personality. The term for this is 'mythomania,' or Pseudologia Fantastica.

Consider mentioning to your friend that you're aware they haven't been truthful by pointing out the real facts of a situation, or mentioning that you remember a different story from the last time you talked.

Tell a teacher or another adult (a minister or sports coach can often help) about your concerns. Your friend may need counseling or other help, and there can be resources available through school or church.

Be sure to tell your own parents to get their help and support, especially if the person who lies is a close friend or a relative, such as a sibling or cousin. Your parents may wonder why you're avoiding someone you normally enjoy being around, and they can give you strategies to help you protect yourself from being hurt by the lies you're being told.

How to Overcome Lying

If your life or your teen's life has become twisted and distorted because of lies, you may need help to unravel the web that's been created and set life straight again.

It's important to confront the problem and seek the right type of help in order to redirect the situation.

Family members can help by gently reminding their teen relative to be truthful (when it appears a lie has been told), and by offering love and encouragement that things can change, without getting drawn into the fantasies the liar is weaving.

School counselors and clergy are good resources for more professional help, and they can refer you or your family member to therapists who are experienced in guiding someone out of the quagmire they've created and helping them develop the self esteem they may have lacked when they turned to lies as their way of coping.

If you have trouble sticking to the truth, here are some ways you can change your behavior:

  • If you say something that isn't true, immediately correct yourself to the person with whom you're speaking. Simply say, "Let me restate that . . ." or "Wait, I got that wrong!" or another phrase that will give you a second chance.
  • Practice telling the truth. In the privacy of your room, think of some things you might lie about and rehearse saying truthful things about them.
  • Examine your feelings after you have told a lie. Do you feel nervous, sick to your stomach or afraid you'll be found out? This means your body is warning you that lying doesn't feel good. Remember these feelings the next time you are tempted to say something that isn't true!
  • Examine how you feel after you've told the truth. You probably feel relieved and perhaps even proud that you avoided lying. Compare this to the discomfort you feel when you lie. Which feels better?
  • Chances are, your parents already know you have trouble being honest with them. Talk to them about your habit and ask for their support; they will be relieved to hear you confront the problem, and you will be relieved as well.
  • If you're not comfortable talking to your parents, ask another trusted adult for advice. Perhaps you can ask a favorite aunt or uncle, or your minister, school counselor, a teacher or a coach for a few minutes of their time. Tell them you know you lie, and you want to stop.
  • If you have a friend who also 'tells tales,' consider talking with them about your mutual problem, and make a pact with them to change. You can support each other, check on your progress, and share ways to overcome the temptation to lie.

Regardless, do not allow fiction to become your reality, or the reality of the one you care about.

Comments

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  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 2 years ago from Planet Earth

    Thanks, naecrix! If we are able to detach from the fact we're being lied to, it's fascinating to learn how that works!

  • naecrix profile image

    naecrix 2 years ago

    Great hub! I really enjoyed it!

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 2 years ago from Planet Earth

    Thanks for reading and sharing your experience, PeachPurple. The teen years are rough, that's for sure! Hang in there - eventually it gets better! (Or so I hear!).

  • peachpurple profile image

    peachy 2 years ago from Home Sweet Home

    thanks for stating out the reasons, no wonder my teen lies too. voted up

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, Scrybis - thank you for reading and commenting. Lying is serious business, and unfortunately, until we figure it out, the liar holds the power.

  • scryba profile image

    scryba 4 years ago

    Its very useful. Great Hub

    - Scryba

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Thanks, crazybeanrider - it sounds like you know a good example of this type of person. It seems many people turn the lies into their 'reality,' but they still know what is true and what isn't. It's a trait that isn't easily reversed in those who have habitually lied for many years.

  • crazybeanrider profile image

    Boo McCourt 5 years ago from Washington MI

    I know someone who is a habitual liar. The weird part of lying is they almost believe what they are saying. What they end up doing is forgetting they lied and the next time they tell THAT elabrote story it somehow changes in detail. Your hub hits the nail on the head. Good information.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, Mom Kat - thanks for the positive feedback! Teens can be very unaware of the trap they fall into when lying becomes a way of life. It's not a game, and it is a harmful habit.

  • Mom Kat profile image

    Mom Kat 5 years ago from USA

    Great job, as usual. Voted up & useful. Keep up the awesome job!

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, Ptosis - gosh, have we been to the same auto repair shop??? I had something stolen from a glove compartment, and also had my trunk broken into in a towing yard after my car was towed following a wreck (which made me feel violated twice). I was very (VERY) firm about my complaint at the towing yard and it was addressed. With the repair shop, I just never returned.

    Have you tried the Better Business Bureau or any agency under which they might be licensed? Also, although it may not get results, try posting a negative review on Yelp. Just make certain you don't say anything you could be held liable for. You could phrase it that you made a complaint about 'something missing' from your car and the owner did not investigate or respond. I'm no attorney, but I know you need to be careful there.

    The "A" on my profile means I have taken and completed the "Apprenticeship Program" here on the site. It's a great program, and you can find threads on it in the Forum and in the Learning Center. They are accepting applicants for it (I think they accept applicants on an ongoing basis).

    The program lasts for six months, and they teach you how to publish online (SEO skills, how to legally use and cite images, how to use various capsules, such as polls, quizzes, etc.). Each person has to write eight hubs a month during the six months, and they review your hubs for quality, etc. It is demanding and time consuming, but very helpful for those who don't have a background in online publishing. In return for the extra time the program demands, they pay a small bonus for your hubs. You can get the details from the learning center.

    Hubbers who are still in the six month program (and haven't 'graduated' yet) have a neutral-colored A (black and white, I think) and it turns 'green' after you graduate. My team was the second group to go through the program, and we finished the end of September. I can honestly say I would have paid tuition to be in that program and learn what we learned. The bonus payment is very small, but it is definitely an incentive to keep going during that six month period - when you start wondering if you'll have time to write eight pieces in a given month, etc.

    Aside from the great things we learned, a huge benefit to the program is the team atmosphere and bonding. The program is rigorous, so being in a group helps. There were 29 of us at the start, and 17 finished - the vast majority who did not finish had various things in life (life happens, right?) that prevented them from devoting the time required to satisfy the program's goals.

    Those who already have SEO and other online publishing skills may not benefit from the program, since they already know and do what the program teaches. Ideally, the program is suited for those who have good writing skills, who need to learn about keyword research, etc., and who have the time and energy to devote six months to the program. I highly recommend it to anyone who would be interested - there's a waiting list, but it's worth the wait!

  • ptosis profile image

    ptosis 5 years ago from Arizona

    What about auto repair shops who break your car then lie to you about it? I'm going through this right now. They overcharged the battery and it boiled over, yet expect me to pay for their mistake.

    Question: what is the 'A' on you profile photo mean?

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, alocsin - that's a great (and sobering) point. Even a decade ago, our words didn't travel the globe so fast. Each person who reads a lie is yet another person who has been deceived.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Thanks so much for reading, and for your kind words, fpherj - I always appreciate hearing from you! There are entire books written on this subject, so there are many resources people can turn to for help.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    That's a tough situation, Mishee - I certainly hope you're never faced with that experience. Each person has to evaluate the best way to handle something like that. In the long run, we don't do any favors by pretending we believe those who tell lies.

  • alocsin profile image

    alocsin 5 years ago from Orange County, CA

    I think what's particularly bad about teen lying nowadays is that they can easily spread worldwide through the use of the Internet. And that has very harmful consequences, including suicide. Voting this Up and Interesting.

  • fpherj48 profile image

    Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

    Marcy....IMO, this earns the highest vote up and kudos they don't even give us to mark! One of my most serious concerns and something I don't believe can be discussed and taught enough. The art of deception.

    This hub is so complete and realistic. I'm with you from start to finish.

    I hold such sensitivity to lies, liars.....I swear, I have seriously grown a polygraph within my realm of perception.

    I want to thank you for all the work you put into this superb article, Marcy and I'm certainly SHARING!..........UP Fabulous teaching hub!!

  • mishee18 profile image

    Michelle Yap 5 years ago from Philippines

    I do not know how should I react if someone close to my heart lied to me about some important thing.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Thanks, IS1820 - I appreciate your comments. When someone starts the habit of lying, it begins controlling every action and relationship, and it exhausts their energy.

  • IS1820 profile image

    Ian Susman 5 years ago

    Interesting and so very true and problematic situation when confronting habitual liars. The web that they draw as correctly stated I just makes their lives more complicated , wuth the "trying to get out when caught" and the emotional stress. People who lie do not realize that the truth and admitting to it is much less painful than a lie and the consequences of it . Credibility is one of the central pillars of ones life . "Sound a bit like pillars of coorporate companies" - but happens to be a fact of life for without it there is no trust.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, Jackie - I've dropped some 'friends' for the same reasons. Some have touched my life closer than others, unfortunately. Thanks so much for reading and commenting - and I agree, I do hope people take this to heart.

  • Jackie Lynnley profile image

    Jackie Lynnley 5 years ago from The Beautiful South

    I hope many will listen to you. I just cannot stand a liar. I know people who just simple cannot tell the truth because lying has become such a habit. It is so sad and I don't want to be around them. Seems liars always have so much to say too, doesn't it? There are a couple I am related to and they are just marked off my list. Great topic.

  • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image
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    Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

    Hi, Nettlemere - as with you, I have met people who are habitual liars, and I've often wondered how they came to do that. It would be very stressful to live that way for a lifetime, wouldn't it?

    Thanks for reading, and for your comments here!

  • Nettlemere profile image

    Nettlemere 5 years ago from Burnley, Lancashire, UK

    Interesting subject Marcy and very relevant. I've had two what I would consider to be pathological liars as work colleagues and it was very hard to work alongside either of them. I would be interested to know what circumstances lead them to develop the habit.