The 15 Things You Did to Ruin Your Girlfriend's Annual Family Reunion

It started off as what might be “the” perfect day. Birds were singing, bees were humming around the beautiful flower garden, and the sky was so blue, master-painter, Vincent Van gogh, would have burned his easel and brushes for being unable to paint such a sky.

The long tables, adorned with beautiful linen table cloths, were sitting in perfect order ready for your girlfriend’s family to sit, fellowship, and eat their fill of some of the south’s finest foods: Fried chicken, baby back ribs, potato salad, cole slaw, corn-on-the-cob, along with one of the finest selections of desserts known to man: German chocolate cake, coconut pies, lemon pies, and to wash it down, several crystal pitchers of perfectly-brewed sweet tea. What a great day to be going with a beautiful girl who belongs to such a giving, warm and caring family.

Today is your girlfriend’s family reunion. There is no SEC football on television so she and the lady folk are mighty happy. Your girlfriend’s dad, brothers, uncles and male cousins are standing off to themselves talking men things as you and your girlfriend, who is dressed so fine, are driving down the long driveway to her parents’ lavish three-story home. The drive is adorned with mimosa trees and rose bushes that are just hanging-full of that part of the country’s most-beautiful roses. Your girlfriend’s mom won first place in the Annual Crawfish Bottom Fair and Mud Festival for her North Alabama Red Jefferson Rose.

As you drive up to the parking area, you see a vast number of BMW’s, Mercedes-Benz, a few Bentley’s, some Ford Fusions, one, maybe three Chevy Silverado custom-designed trucks and to round-out the lot, an SUV that was hand-detailed by a car show on television entitled, “American Hot Rod.” And what are you driving? A 2002 Toyota Camry.

When you turn the engine off, you just sit and say to yourself, “This must be Heaven, for everything is perfect.” Your beautiful girlfriend, who by the way, has extra-sensitive hearing, overhears you and giggles, “No, silly. This is just mama and daddy’s summer home—you should see their “real” home near Birmingham.’

You are in deep. You knew this when your girlfriend just batted her gorgeous blue eyes and invited you to her family reunion, but she did not go into much detail on how many people were in her family, what jobs they had, and how much they were worth. You are now in a quandary as to whether or not you have made a huge mistake in escorting her to this lavish event.

But with all things considered, she is the most-beautiful girl you have ever dated, so you relax and hurry to open her car door as any good boyfriend should.

As you two near the tables, your girlfriend is almost-assaulted by her dad, “Jeb,” and her brother, “D.D.,” who all but ignore you as they hug her like a family heirloom that they have just found. Finally she gets her breath and introduces you, but her dad and brother only give you that going-through-the-motions handshake and walk away arm-in-arm with your girlfriend. What really steams you is that she never looks back to see if you are coming or not.

Then it starts. That slow, agonizing mental battle of you wondering what you did or said to invoke such cold treatment from people who might be your future in-laws? Should you ask your girlfriend or just let it slide? You are a college grad with a degree with business management, so your logic tells you that it is not worth the time and effort to bring up such a trivial issue.

The lunch with her family goes pretty well. No real static or stumbling blocks to speak of, except that instance when you asked for the bowl of potato salad nearest you to be passed to you, your girlfriend’s “Aunt Betsy,” a short-tempered elderly widow, sneered at you and slid the bowl of potato salad in your direction with the skill and accuracy of a member of a top-notch curling team. Again, the mental battle rages. What in the world is making people treat me like a stray dog? You ask yourself.

With the fine lunch concluded, you hope that your girlfriend will make her way back to you to support you because you feel like an alien in this strange area. But that never happens as she disappears with her mom, “Billie,” and a few aunts inside the huge mansion that looms in your face as you imagine it is saying to you, “Loser! Look at me. You will never give ‘Sally Jo,’ a home like this.” Now you are plagued with indigestion, heartburn and just your luck. You are without your Tums.

Then “Sally Jo,” reappears, then disappears into the many groups of people standing around talking, reminiscing, laughing, and talking. You are at panic-mode. No one bothers to ask if you have had enough to eat. Actually, they do not act as if they care. What do you do now, wait for “Sally Jo,” walk around, or just sit alone at the table and hope that no one thinks you are a member of the hired-help?

You look at your wristwatch. It is now 1:30 p.m. Hours from now you will face sudden-shock, more mental turmoil, an angry “Sally Jo,” and several irate threats to “never show your filthy face on our property again,” from her dad and mom who shake their fists at you and “Sally Jo,” as you drive away.

No, friend, you did not dream this. No, this was not a nightmare. And no, this was not a flashback you had due to you and “Sally Jo,” drinking too much champagne last night to celebrate your second anniversary as a couple. What you experienced was a real event, a horror disguised as a reunion. The only things missing were the staggering zombies seeking fresh flesh to eat.

You cannot remember anything past 1:30 p.m. “Sally Jo,” gets more-irate each mile you drive. Finally you have had enough of this confusion. You pull your Toyota Camry off of the side of the interstate, look “Sally Jo,” straight in her eyes and say . . .”Just what happened? What did I do to make your family hate me in such a short time?”

“Sally Jo,” firms her pouty lips and tells you that there were . . .

“15 Things You Did That Ruined Your Girlfriend’s Family Reunion”

1. You landed yourself in a fist-fight with “D.D.,” when you proved that King Kong was just a movie.

2. “Jeb,” challenged you to a Civil War Trivia Contest and you won. Then he kicked your butt.

3. You mistakenly-remarked, “Who invited that pig?” about “Sally Jo’s” “Granny Gran.” And she kicked your butt.

4. “Sally Jo’s” “Aunt Betsy,” asked you if you and “Sally Jo,” were having sex and you blurted out, “You bet your sweet butt we are!” The entire crowd who were talking, instantly stopped to glare at you.

5. “Sally Jo’s” “Grandpa Belk,” pointed out that you had two teeth missing, but turns out you only had half a Spanish olive hung in your front teeth.

6. One of “Sally Jo’s” cousins gave you two-hundred dollars to buy you some suitable clothes—she thought you got your clothes from a local thrift store.

7. “Blinks,” “Jeb’s” pedigree Cocker Spaniel bit you in the thigh and everyone cheered for him.

8. “Red Wilson,” “Sally Jo’s” alcoholic ex-boyfriend crashed the family reunion and beat you within an inch of your life while “Sally Jo” felt pity for him and gave him a warm embrace.

9. “Little Willy,” “Sally Jo’s” six-year-old nephew innocently threw a crescent roll at you and you thought he was being mean to you and you proceeded to throw a bowl of gravy over his head.

10. You insulted “Sally Jo’s” mother, “Billie,” by saying, “I know,” when she complimented you on being so good to “Sally Jo.” You learned quickly, by “Billie,” slapping your face that she cannot stand arrogance.

11. When “Sally Jo’s” relatives played their yearly game of, “Where I’m From,” you were the only one present who lived in a northern town which did not go over well with “Sally Jo’s” family.

12. “Uncle Bobo,” “Sally Jo’s” oldest uncle, 93, fooled you into believing that the “water” he was drinking was pure mountain spring water which was really 150 proof moonshine. You began acting like a jackass as your memory cells were being destroyed.

13. Making an inappropriate sexual advance at “Sally Jo’s” little niece, “Janey,” who just turned 16, didn’t make you any friends with “Sally Jo’s” family.

14. Thanks to your drunken stupor, challenging “Jeb,” to a boxing match was a very stupid decision. You must have forgotten that “Sally Jo” telling you that he was once a Golden Gloves Boxing Champion when he was a young man.

15. Inviting the younger kids to ride your back because you are, “Mighty Moe, The Wonder Mule,” got you kicked to the curb by most of “Sally Jo’s” female relatives who swore you were a pervert.

    “Red Wilson” and “Sally Jo’s” wedding is next Saturday.

    You are banned from the church premises.

Up next . . .”10 Terrible Mistakes You Made on Your First Day of College”

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