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The Abusive Tactics Of A Narcissist

Updated on January 7, 2020

I want to make something perfectly clear.....

If you have ended up in a relationship with a narcissist, it is most likely that it wasn't the type of relationship you were looking for. Especially if you are an empath. They are wolves in sheep's clothing. It is NOT your fault that you are being, or have been, abused. Not only are they charismatic and misleading, but they usually strike at a time of great emotional stress. They strike while the iron is hot, so to speak. They are attracted to empathetic people for all of the reasons that make them so wonderful. N's like attention. They like praise. They like loyalty, and 1,000 chances when they disappoint. They like it when someone tells them there is "nothing they can do to make you stop loving them." These things are all things that we do. You see, empaths wear many foreign emotional shoes. We try to do everything in our power to soothe the emotional unease of the people around us because we KNOW what its like to carry negative emotions and we don't want that for the people we care about. The Narcissist knows this about you. They swoop in like a succubus in the guise of an angel and manipulate you. Its a process. They know what they are doing, and they are good at it. Why wouldn't they be? They don't care about how you feel, so how hard is it really for them to play your emotions against you? Its not. They rather enjoy it. They are intrigued by your emotions because they themselves don't have them, and to them its a game of cat and mouse. Repeat after me: IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I TRUSTED AND BELIEVED IN SOMEONE. When your biggest mistake was that you believed someone who lied to you in such a cunning way, that doesn't make you a fool. It makes you a victim. A lot of people cringe at the thought of being a victim. For some reason it carries a connotation that we've allowed ourselves to be one, and that we are willfully weak. No. Absolutely not. You were tricked. I know it seems as though I am repeating myself, but for us empaths, that is usually necessary with positive reinforcement. Don't ask me why we let the negative things in easier that the positive.

Knowledge Is Power

See, this part is actually fun for me. I had ZERO clue that my ex was a Narcissist. I was around 29, and I didn't even know what the word meant. I had heard it in conversation, and thought it just meant "someone super stuck on themselves." When i actually found out what it was....i was RELIEVED. Why, you might ask? Because knowledge is most CERTAINLY power. Sounds cheesy but its absolutely true. When you find out exactly whats wrong in any given situation, you can almost always begin to figure out a way to fix it.

Narcissist Characteristics

*Bragging/Showing off.

The Narcissist boasts about his efforts and accomplishments endlessly. The goal here is to achieve reverence and awe. Therefore heightening their self esteem. Remember, a Narcissists self esteem needs constant inflation because the high they get from impressing someone does not last and they soon need another fix.

*Climbing the Pedestal.

A lot of Narcissists seek career positions in which they can be admired or feared. Say like, a manager of a shipping warehouse. Somewhere where they can be the "go to" for the answers or the person who can approve or deny requests. Its not always for a want to make a difference but more for a way to be seen as "superior."

*They know everything about any given topic.

Narcissists are "know it all's." There wasn't one time that I would ask my ex a question and he told me he didn't know. It just didn't happen. He dominated conversations, interrupted others when they were talking, and constantly challenged the person he was conversing with. honestly for someone like me, it was exhausting.

*The Savior.

Like I've said before, they usually enter your life when you are in a low spot be it financially or emotionally. The proclaim they will save you. You wont have to worry about whatever it is that plagued you before. The're gonna make it all better baby, and you'll be kissing their feet in the end. They will stop the suffering. Be warned...this is usually a ruse and short lived. Just because they can make it look like they are saving you, doesn't mean they actually are. "Saving" you is a form of control. My mother once told me that at her job, she made up a unique filing system that only she was able to navigate which helped her with job security. The Narcissist works in a similar way. They render themselves indispensable. Without them, you wouldn't survive. They usually are the only ones with access to bank accounts or bills.

*They Push Your Boundaries

I 100% believe that this is what gives them the biggest thrill. Say there is ONE thing you have said you will NEVER do. Be it in the bedroom, financially, geographically... it could be anything. Well, they push and they push and they push. And usually an empath is someone who feels compelled to say yes at first request. This is hard on us. because we do not respond well to pressure. After awhile out of guilt or appeasement, its likely we will crack under said pressure. Not always, but likely. And the Narcissist gets a huge rush out of a persons final submission. Especially if it took them a long time to achieve it. But be aware, once the high has worn off for the N, they will start seeking another boundary to push. So don't think that if you succumb, that its over. Its not.

*The Execrator.

So to execrate is pretty much to actively feel and express great loathing for someone. By doing this, the Narcissist is able to belittle someone and this makes them feel better by comparison. Whoever the object of the execration is, is either directly belittled, or judged and belittled behind their back. There's two possible goals to this behavior. To make other people agree that the narcissist is the better or more superior person, or to make the intended feel bad therefore making the narcissist feel as though they have beaten that person in a "better than thou" contest. And we know how much they love to win.

*The Manipulator.

Good golly Ms. Molly. Oh boy, do they love manipulation. Its like mental ketchup to them. They put it on everything. Manipulation is in itself a multifaceted maneuver. There are many ways someone can manipulate a person.

  • Lying and denying
  • Changing the subject in an argument or conversation where they are being challenged.
  • The silent treatment.
  • Gaslighting. This one is especially cruel because it makes you doubt your own perception of reality.
  • Using emotional connection to control someone.
  • Moving goalposts. Okay so this one is especially frustrating because its when someone is constantly changing their expectations of a person so they can never be satisfied.
  • Using your own insecurities against you. Say you have anxiety, or you aren't happy with your weight. These things can be obviously or subtly thrown back at you to disarm you. Its a negative jab that you already have put stock into. So they aren't insulting you as much as they are reminding you about your own "flaws."

There's many more attributes of a narcissist and many more ways they can manipulate the intended target. My mos personal experience with Narcissism comes from a romantic relationship, so that is what i'm writing on. However, if its a family member you are dealing with, the same basic principles apply as far as chracteristics or manipulation tactics.

Again...It is not your fault.

I just want to end this by reiterating that being abused is never the fault of the person who is being or has been abused. Especially at the glacial pace some abusers move at when introducing the abuse. Honestly no one would go into an obviously abusive situation. Even in desperation. If you were thirsty would you dink poison if it was the only option? No. You'd stick it out and look for a less dangerous alternative. I know you. I was you. I was just as shocked and confused and angry as you are or were. Those of us who have been with a narcissist have a deep understanding of each other. Emotional and mental abuse IS most certainly abuse. Do not downplay it, do not shrug it off. Some of us have worsened anxiety, depression, PTSD....etc... from our abusive relationships and its not to be dismissed. Its not okay that you were chosen by someone to be there for their own selfish desire to fill a hole inside themselves they can never fill no matter the cost to you. Its abuse, its real, and you deserved better. All we can do is try to arm ourselves for the future and heal from what's been done to us.

-Stay Genuine

EH

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    • Empath Heart profile imageAUTHOR

      Empath Heart 

      13 months ago

      Once someone has been with a narcissist, they usually know the signs to look for next time. Im not writing to tell people its okay to keeo falling for them. Im writing to help people who are in a narcissistic relationship to understand whats happening and to help people who were in a narcissistic relationship heal by understanding why it isn't their fault they were treated in such a way. Im not sure you are understanding my intent.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      13 months ago from Chicago

      "IT IS NOT MY FAULT THAT I TRUSTED AND BELIEVED IN SOMEONE." That is true in many ways....

      However if we are unable to LEARN from OUR MISTAKES we are essentially saying we are POWERLESS and DOOMED to repeat our experiences over and over again waiting to be victimized again!

      The old saying: "You can't help who you fall in love with." is a lie!

      Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      We get to choose who we spend our time with.

      Nothing happens until you say "yes" to someone.

      Saying "no" has never gotten anyone's heart broken.

      At some point we must accept responsibility for (choosing) a certain type of person to date. We have to examine "red flags" we ignored. Evaluate our mate selection/screening process.

      Having self-esteem, boundaries, and "deal breakers" are the key.

      Anyone who truly loves them self won't stand for being mistreated.

      I believe we give narcissists too much credit for being mastermind evil geniuses who have studied human behavior for years and know how to control and manipulate others without their knowledge. Some of these people were this way in grade school.

      Truth be told we as a society create narcissistic people with our various forms of idol worship and praise. More often than not it's the "good looking", talented, skilled, popular/famous, or spoiled person who is the perfect candidate to become a narcissist.

      Everything and everyone only exist to serve them.

      Like moths to a flame many people initially gravitate towards narcissists to bask in their limelight. If he/she is "special" and they choose to be with me then it means (I) too must be special.

      They sacrifice their time, money, and efforts to please the narcissist believing he/she will come to value them but they just get used up. In the narcissist's eyes they're just another "fan".

      The narcissist always looks out for his/her best interest.

      That's probably one lesson we should learn.

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.

      If something doesn't feel right to you it's probably not right for you.

      Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.

      The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want.

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

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