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The Better Man

Updated on December 17, 2009

How Could She Resist?

You’re mixing it up with your workmate, Taylor again, this time in her car. The sex is hot as you have her limbs in a tangle like a pretzel, grunting and groaning. With her exclamations, you know you are a doing a good job to her. When done there is a peck on the cheek, a pat against the side of your face, a good night with smile and then the taillights of her car bathing you in the dark. You are pushed out of the car before you can get your pants up from your ankles. This is the second time in a month that you’ve clinched with her after your weekly dinner and drinks after work. The first time was also after dinner, when Taylor brought you home because the conversation, which was all about her, was just too good to end. Before you are even aware of it, with just a simple touch against her arm, you are tongue kissing her, with those long breathtaking lip locks. This spirals into the two of you naked, with you banging away, playing a balancing act, trying not to slide off her couch during the act. Immediately after the sex, she hops up, gathers your clothes and pushes you out of her apartment naked with your gear in your arms.

You are close ‘Friends with Benefits’. Tonight, in her car, for some magical reason it’s different, and you feel yourself developing feelings. Taylor’s more and more attractive to you, smarter and smarter, sexier and sexier every time you see her, even more so every time you enter her. She becomes a preoccupation. You put on your Blackberry important dates…your anniversary, her birthday, your first lovemaking, your second lovemaking, and depending on your obsession, any of a number of other dates of interest. You take pictures of her and have them all around your room. You plan vacations with her, think of her constantly.

This is the natural progression of a relationship you say to yourself, as you look yourself up and down in a mirror, wondering what she sees in you. The next thing that you two need to do is pick out matching tee shirts with something silly written on them and you need to start introducing her to your friends and family as your girlfriend.

Then, one day, out of the clear blue sky, over dinner, she excitedly tells you a deep secret that she hasn’t told anyone, but since you are her closest friend, well, she just has to tell you. Her secret is about Mr. Better Man and how they met last week at a club with her girlfriends. How he singled her out from the group with his dazzling bedroom eyes. She just had to bring him home with her that night, and they had the most fantastic sex.

She goes into great detail about it, as you wither away from the inside. She’s never had orgasms like the ones he gave her. The man was phenomenal. How could she resist? He was perfect. Perfect! She, by some miracle, was asked out by him for a second date. She is beside herself with joy. Inside, you are a tangle of emotions, rage, pain, hurt, tears. You’re a mess but you take it like a man, asking pointed questions that a friend would ask, such as did she at least wear a condom, like she did you…whoops, wrong question. She gave him fellatio without one, but that’s not bad, is it? All men want you do swallow, don’t they? That was the last thing that you wanted to hear. You can’t wait for the night with her to end so you can go home and cry your eyes out, punch holes in the wall, or drink until you are wasted.

You Wonder If You Should Move On Now

How can you be friends with her? All you can see is this man, built better than you, hung better than you, dressed better than you. Of course, he is ‘the Better Man.’ You can’t share in The Better Man with her. When she speaks of him she is driving a stake through your heart. You two are not, or never did you agree to a mutually exclusive sexual relationship. You have nightmares about the two of them together, deep in the throes of lovemaking. Everything he is doing to her, he’s doing without a condom, marking his territory with his semen as a dog would his urine. You’re growing to disgust him, and dislike her even more. She is not yours, and you have to admit, she never was. The most she was to you was your friend.

You go out to dinner with her again, your weekly update. She doesn’t bring up the Better Man, but you can’t help yourself. You’ve been torturing yourself all week long, watching her at work, her seductive movements, her smile, and you are drawn in once more, for some reason, to hold on. So, how are things with you and the Better Man? You gulp morbidly, have you been having sex? Good. Taylor toys with her food. She wants to say more, but you are dreading it. You are still smarting over the fact that they are working out. She confesses that the last time they had amazing sex, he took her in his apartment, on his plush carpet, she swooned, but afterward he is so aloof, so busy, so detached. They don’t seem to be hitting it off as well as the sex.

In some ways, this feels good. She is admitting that she is in a sexual relationship already with this goon, but it’s not working on the spiritual level. She is not making the necessary head to heart to gonad connection that women crave in stable relationships. He is being moved to the ‘Friends with Benefits’ penalty box that you are presently in, and since you have been here longer, you have a better chance of winning her.

See, you knew that patience would win out. After dinner, you go home with her and touch her bare arm but the interaction falters. Taylor reminds you that she thinks of you only as a friend and that sex with you will only confuse things. That’s okay, you say as you move on her, you have been missing her, missing her touch, missing her body. You want to make love again to her tonight. She rises up from the couch. She has a busy day tomorrow, she apologizes, she is just not in the mood. You register her emotional state. You know her only too well. She is still confused over her relationship with the Better Man.

What do you think? Taylor asks over dinner the next week. Is it over between herself and him? She needs a man’s point of view. How can you be honest with her? How can you tell her what you feel about the relationship? You want it to end in flames. You want to tell her that he’s nothing, shallow, just a senseless fling and that she needs to find a man with a deeper connection, she needs to fall in love with her friend. You look into the mouth of your glass, thinking, and you reply with you really don’t know. Men are not that transparent. You do not go into your feelings about her.

What is happening here? What is going on that you can see failing? The fact is that you have been consigned to the fate of just being her friend, and you are under the mistaken impression that women eventually will see the value of you, and will change their minds. Well the truth is that only a sad fraction do…generally they don’t. The honest truth is that you have been fooling yourself by keeping your feelings towards her secret to only yourself. You didn’t draw the line in the sand; you didn’t make it clear to her how you feel. You are under the delusion that being her friend will garner you a position in her life where you have value, and that one day, this value will become evident as being love. You could not have been farther from the truth.

After This Better Man Comes Another Man

He is not a Better Man. He is just a man whom she allowed to ravish her in the back seats of her car on a horny night after heavy drinking. Like you, he was a penis that just happened along when the time was right. When does it end? The question is, when does it end for you? When are you honest with your feelings and with yourself?

There are only two options here. Stay with her or leave her. The one option that doesn’t fit is that you can no longer be her friend. You’re a rat, you’re a fink, you’re a shallow opportunist, but your friendship is conditional. You need to admit that to yourself first or you’ll never be able to convince her. Your friendship is dependent on if you get what you want, and you want her. You are now romantically involved and can no longer be impartial in her life. This will destroy you if you continue.

That’s right, you can admit this to her. It hurts in the pit of the stomach. If you break up you’ll have to see her every day on the job, which is something that you never expected. This is something that you should have foreseen, but you still fail to realize something else. There was never a relationship to break up in her mind. She had repeatedly let you know that you were a friend, who occasionally, whenever she is in the mood, had a little fun sex. This was no binding contract. This was no sexual relationship, and you agreed with it. You signed on the bottom line in blood. You sold your soul to the very devil.

She was never sexually attached, maybe never really attracted to you. You need to unhook yourself, and do so gracefully. Like most men, failure is not an option, you find yourself unable to let go. Well, it helps; it moves you forward, if you’re honest with her. How?

Next time you sit down with Taylor, her eyes are afire, she is excited. The drinks are brought to the table and she starts to imbibe. Guess what, she says as she reaches out and touches your hand, she met this remarkable guy and they made out in the back alley of a bar for hours. Instead of gritting your teeth, this is the moment of truth; this is the moment where you can be honest with yourself and her. You have the bundle of emotions inside of you already. They are there for a reason - to guide your words and actions in this crucial juncture. You cannot hold it in because it’s corrupting your soul.

Take a deep breath; speak as evenly and as calmly as you can possibly muster. Use these emotions to make your point, but don’t let them overwhelm you. You cannot do this anymore. You cannot sit across from her and be her friend because you are romantically involved. Her interactions with other men are just not healthy for you. You want her exclusively for yourself; you need her with you and none other. You are in love, and the simple fact is that a man in love cannot bear this type of torture.

Tell her how you really feel about her. You want her sleeping with you. You want to introduce her to your friends, and you cannot bear to listen to these aspects of her life any longer. Unfortunately, you cannot be her friend. This either has to change between you or end. Do not fall into the trap of not discussing her sexual exploits instead, because one or two things will happen. You’ll still see them in your minds eye. You’ll still envision her with other men. You’re no fool. You know how intimate sex can get, and her being intimate with other men will play like ugly movies in the back of your head. In addition, she will continue to allude, imply, hint that she is seeing and having sex with other men in the hopes that you will be dumb enough to ask about, and take interest in, this aspect of her life again.

Do you really want to know? Taylor will ask you. The statement should be, I really want to tell you, and she does. You are her closest friend. It’s in a woman’s nature to share these things, and she’ll push the envelope to share them with you. That’s why you cannot be her friend. The problem here is that you BOTH are looking for girlfriends.

End the dinner. Don’t stay around to explain yourself because this will only add to your present state of consternation. This will only make you worse off to fall into debate. She knows want she wants. She wants this emotional attachment and would like for it to continue. She loves your friendship, and does not want it to end. She is just not into you. Oh yes, you have had sex with her more than once, but you’re still friends after that aren’t you? Can’t you handle being friends after that? The obvious answer, as you stare into the drowning pools of her eyes, is no. She needs someone that she can confide in completely, to tell the things to that cause you the greatest emotional harm. She needs a girlfriend. Only a man that wants to bend her over will listen to all of her issues. Men that don’t, won’t bother.

Be Swift To Let Go

Many men are swift to let go, and that’s a good thing. They are not going to get what they want, so there’s no more to be said to her. There ARE many more fish in the sea. You may not believe it now as you stare into her eyes, but there will be two more before the month is out, if you’d only look for them, if you make your wounding period short, get out of the house, stop playing and agonizing over love songs, stop drinking like a fish and stop playing Playstation. If you’d only get a life and stop obsessing about her, put away your photos of her around your house. Go out with your friends and socialize. Meet new and interesting people. Form friendly attachments with others. Cancel your weekly dinners with her and do something else. Start looking for someone new. Be witty, be interesting and stop needing her so much. You will find the pain in separation short.

Remember, it doesn’t make you a bad guy that your friendship is completely contingent upon a restrictive sexual relationship with her. It’s as simple as that. You want her completely, from head to toe, and of course, every juicy, sticky, sweet thing in between. If she can’t realize that, then you are in an impossible situation. She will not be able to understand it at first, most likely. How can a close friendship end like this? This makes no sense, but it makes every bit of sense.

You don’t have to make your exit too quick if you want to have another stab at her heart. Now all of her defenses are down. Remember, you have been her emotional shield, a part of her armor. Now you have removed a large piece, exposing soft, white underbelly. Let her know that this is not an ultimatum. This is survival. Let her know that you think she has the most gorgeous eyes, fiercest mind, and sexiest moves. Claim all about her that you find appealing and attractive. She needs to know even the intimate things about her that caused you to feel the way you do about her. Things like her lovemaking, the sounds that she makes, the movement of her hips when you are inside of her. This is when you will reach her; this is when her ears are open. She will probably not say a word to you. She might turn her head and get teary eyed, but she’ll understand what you are trying to say.


Leave it at that. Now you’ll have to heal, you’ll have to put the pieces of what and who you are back together again as she stews over what you said.

You are here sustaining self. You are not subalimenting yourself for her needs. Grit your teeth over the next two weeks; don’t bother with her during work. Still be cordial and nice, still show her that you are a friend, but with a serious limit. You do not need to talk to her about her week at the water cooler. Say hello, goodbye and that should be it. Try it for two weeks, and the third will be easier, followed by a fourth that will be easier still.

Over drinks with someone else, sometime soon, you catch a twinkle in the eyes of another, a stray hand on yours, and then you’ll find yourself wrestling in the front seats of her car with your slacks around your ankles. From here, who knows? She might just take you by the hand and invite you upstairs to spend the night. There’s no better panacea for curing the ache of a failed relationship like the blossoming of a new one.

Otherwise, the ball is severely in Taylor’s court. She can grow angry, she can feel a sense of loss, she can curse the day that she met you or, like I said, she might, just might, see the value in your friendship and give you a closer, more serious look. Don’t bet on that though, but stranger things have happened. There are a million outcomes, but you can guarantee yourself the best outcome if you move on. A safer, healthier emotional state.


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