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The Cheating Husband: Childbirth Caused Him to Cheat?

Updated on July 31, 2009

The Cheater Decides to Talk

Having been presented with the opportunity to talk directly to a known cheating husband about his infidelity, I could not resist the opportunity.  In fact, I had the opportunity to chat with five husbands who had or were continuing to cheat on their wives.  Some claimed remorse.  Others seemed indifferent.  One seemed to enjoy the fact that at last he could talk about his "pretty young thing."

For obvious reasons I will not divulge names.  But, the input and the reactions were across the spectrum.  Perhaps, the interaction between the men was more interesting than the questions I was allowed to ask.

Admittedly, I was somewhat astounded and disgusted, as well as totally confused by some of the reasoning they offered.


The First Husband Was Looking for Sex Following the Birth of His Son

Well, of course, he was looking for sex! But, what surprised me, coming from this man, was his reason. The man is in his early thirties. His son is now thirteen months old. This young executive and his wife have not had sex since the birth of the son.

Going into the conversation, I expected him to tell me and perhaps the other participants that since his wife gave birth she had refused to have sex with him for one reason or another. I expected something like she was tired and not getting enough sleep or at least something similar.

Instead, it is the cheating husband who refuses to initiate sex or respond to his wife's advances. About a month after his son was born he had his first one night stand. Of course, he promised himself he would never do it again --- until the second opportunity presented itself. Now, sleeping with one woman then another has become a pattern.

Why? According to this cheater, he needs sex. He isn't looking for a relationship. He is looking for sex, but doesn't want to pay for it. So, he goes out to a bar --- tells his wife he is with the boys --- and picks up a woman for the night. According to this cheating husband, the women he takes to bed are no prettier than his wife and "most are no where close to being as pretty as she is."

So, what's up with this guy? His explanation is simple. He loves his wife. He does not want an ongoing affair with anyone because he is afraid of attachments. But, he cannot "perform" when he gets into bed with his wife.

I would like to say that this was a shocking statement. It was not. In fact, it is quite common among men who have been in the room when their wives give birth.

If the man stands at the head of the bed and helps his wife breath, does the counting, and holds her hand, this reaction is very rare. However, men who film the actual birth or as this man put it, "holds the catcher's mitt waiting for the head to show" often find that engaging in sexual intercourse with his spouse is difficult or impossible following the birth.

Ladies, this is quite common. I have had men tell me that once they saw the birth canal spread open and the newborn's head pop out, they were totally unable to have sex with their wives.

What Should He Do Now?

I am not practicing clinical psychology at this time, but I suggested that he be honest with his wife --- at least about why he isn't willing to have sex with her. Whether he tells his wife about his one night stands is up to him. If he admits to his wife that it was the act of childbirth that affected him and their sexual relationship, perhaps they will follow up with counseling.

Of course, the couple --- the married couple --- should go to counseling. Wives are often shocked and dismayed that giving birth can have that effect on their husbands. I have seen some that have become angry, claiming that they had gone through all the pain. All he did was to watch.

But, the truth is that men react differently to seeing the birth of their children. The reaction, in this case, was totally unexpected. The man is remorseful for his actions, but says he will do anything necessary to get back to the marriage --- and sex --- he once enjoyed with his wife.

I must admit I was shocked when he said he would like to have two more children, if he doesn't have to watch them being born. With his reaction to the first childbirth, I would hope that he doesn't stand between her feet with the "catcher's mitt."

The Remorseful Cheater

Chances are, if the man can work out his "problem" he will not cheat on his wife again. And, I must say from a woman's point of view, his "problem" does not excuse his infidelity.

I can only question the couple's relationship to some degree. Why could he not tell his wife how he felt since the birth? I do not know his wife, so without having seen them interact it is hard to make a call on that one.

But, this cheater wants his life and his marriage back, as it was before the birth of his son. He loves his wife.

I am not excusing his behavior in any way, shape or manner. I am only saying that some men just withdraw from sex with their wives and let's just say they entertain themselves, so to speak. Others need the feel of a woman. Apparently, this cheater needs a woman and enjoys the touching and caressing. He just cannot forget the visual image of the baby being birthed.

And, no! Do not try to make sense of this or ask why he can have sex with another woman, just not his wife. That is the way women think. Let's just hope that this young couple gets the counseling they need before the marriage ends up in divorce.

Ladies, you may want to think twice before asking or allowing your husband to be at the foot of the birthing table instead of at the head talking to you.

I will be sharing the other stories and excuses in the next few days.  Stay tuned.


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    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 5 years ago from Southern Clime

      Jenna, I mistakenly placed my second post on this page. I intended to post it on another hub. Sorry. Please feel free to delete it. Thanks.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 5 years ago from Southern Clime

      The other woman may not realize that the money and gifts she gets from the cheater is payment for her services. So, she is not only a sex slave, but also a private prostitute. She also does not know that she is a cheater, too. She cheats another woman just like the husband does. She cheats his children, if he has young ones, especially. What should be important to her is that she cheats herself drastically. She can be a better woman than that because she is worth more than the status of "the other woman" or "mistress". No matter how the media glamorizes that status, it is shameful in the eyes of decency and righteousness. Once a woman gets the reputation of mistress, she receives a label and is distrusted by many single and married women, even her female relatives. Her upstanding girlfriends start drifting away, and she ends up with women friends like herself.

      Many women look at a wealthy cheating man as a candy man and often use him for that purpose. Most rich cheaters think that they are in the driver's seat, but that is not always true with the cunning, experienced women of the world. When these men discover that they have been suckers, they often try to scandalize, beat, and in some cased, kill the women. Their egos get very bruised when they discover that they have been taken for a ride. Some relent, and just walk away without trying to get revenge. Still, some lick their wounds, stay in their cages for a while, and soon go back on the prowl. This type loves the hunt even if it means losing. Sadly to say, this is the prime target for a candy man.

    • Levertis Steele profile image

      Levertis Steele 5 years ago from Southern Clime

      It is a very mature man who can watch the birthing of his child and appreciate that this is the way he came into the world. A real man will probably appreciate a woman more after seeing the birth, and he will feel closer to his wife.

      My husband nearly fainted at the birth of our first child and had to be sent from the delivery room. There is not much time in that room to take care of the father! I think that embarrased him. He was there and very supportive at the birth of the other three. The experiences did not change him, and he was very proud of himself. My only problem with his attendance was that he talked too much giving too many details to family and friends. I let him have his way because he did try hard to be the supportive husband and dad. He was proud to say that he saw the whole thing and was the first to hold each one. He also held the first one after he recovered from his shock.

      It is so true that all men are not ready to see a birth. I also feel that a man is needed at the head of the wife during birth and the rest should be left to the medical team. If a father insists on being present at the birth of his child, I suggest showing him a video of an entire birth well before going to the hospital. In fact, it should be part of the classes they both attend to prepare for the birth. His reactions and comments during the video should be closely monitored. Respect his decision, and do not belittle his manhood if he does not want to be present. All men are simply not the same. Mom, sister, dad, or a close friend could be the delivery room support. I was surprised when my daughter announced at the last minute that she only wanted me in delivery with her. When it was not debated, I stood at her head and gave her my best support. It was a great experience.

      What a great hub! I voted up and sharing.

    • TheSloneGal profile image

      TheSloneGal 7 years ago

      Just my thoughts on this This man I think he has some mental issues in the worst way I do hope that these two can or has been able to recollect what was lost. My husband was in the room with me the whole time with both of his daughters were born and he cut the cords and every thing and our nights n the bed rooms are just as much fun as ever. I know that he felt pain but it was only because he knew that I was in pain for when I had my daughters I never had any meds at all so every rip and tear was felt to no ends. There is no reason at all that a man who claims to love his wife to cheat on her. Sex is nice but it is not needed to be happy and be in love. Men as well as women should not give into their sexual needs so easy and let it control them to the point of cheating.

      AS I said this is just my thoughts and beliefs in the whole thing. You did very well in writing this up and well wrote. voted up for sure by me awesome job I so look forward to reading others from you

    • JennaJackson profile image

      JennaJackson 8 years ago

      Mighty Mom...

      Love the MIGHTY Mom. I'm not married, but as I commented just before this, I have spent a few years taking notes and listening to men and women. I just find men far more fascinating because I know how most women seem to feel about things. But, to get men to open up and tell their innermost secrets is a treat. After all, don't we all want to understand them? To be honest, the more I learn about them, the less I understand. But, I have to say that they are far more "creative" with excuses than any woman I have ever known.

      P.S. My brother is a M.D. and when his wife gave birth, he refused to hold the "catcher's mitt." He is a surgeon, so he should have the stomach for it, but an ob-gyn friend validated that many men who are "behind the plate" during birth have a different outlook from that moment on. Who knows? But, I'm with you... let him pace the halls and aggrevate the people in the waiting room. I'm quite sure if the pain during childbirth is as it has been described to me, he would be safer to be in another room anyway.

      I worked with a sex therapist during my clinicals and I have heard some "reasons" and "excuses" that have made my eyes roll back in my head. Some are real, some are just "excuses" for the truth. Unfortunately for many couples, this is a real problem that can occur. That still does not excuse the cheating.

    • JennaJackson profile image

      JennaJackson 8 years ago

      fastfreta, I have a Ph.D. in psychology. But, after a couple of years sitting in a room and nodding my head, I decided to get out and do something more fun... exercise and lots of outdoor activities. I created a job, sorta. I work with overweight folks, physically disabled people, and the elderly... some in groups, some individually. I come in contact with lots of people who love to talk, sometimes TMI. But, I listen and have been making notes of the "odd" things people say and will tell me, since before I finished school. That along with an exceptionally perceptive and wise mother have given me some insights I feel blessed to have at my age.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 8 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Well, now I've heard everything! It sounds as if this is quite a "trend." So why are men even allowed at that end of the birthing bed? I know I wouldn't want to see that end of things! Maybe there was something to the good old days when expectant fathers paced the hospital waiting room and waited to be informed, "Congratulations, it's a Boy!"

      If seeing your wife spread eagled like that is such a boner killer, DON"T DO IT! It does sound like a lame excuse to me, tho!

      Like Fastfreta I look forward to more on this subject! MM

    • fastfreta profile image

      Alfreta Sailor 8 years ago from Southern California

      WOW! This was great, from a literary standpoint, of course. Not so, for the unfortunate couple. What is it that you do to be able to interact with these men? I await the sequel with bated breath.


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