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The Complex Signs and Dilemma Facing a Man Falling In-Love

Updated on May 5, 2014

Nothing like two people being in-love


The beginning

Recently I was exploring the many great hubs on HubPages, and one subject kept cropping up: Love. I found hubs written on the subject of “love,” about “love,” “falling in and out of “love,” and how to know what “love” is and before long, I was dizzy with all of the information about “love”. Frankly, I was in awe that so many hubbers devoted so much time to writing about “love.” And I don’t awe that easily.

One of the things that I found out is that “love” is everywhere. Around every nook, cranny, there it is. “Love.” Plus I found out that this complex and flesh-pleasing-emotion, “love,” actually dominates and saturates our universe in ways we will never fathom. And to put “icing on the cake,” an early 60’s rock band, The Troggs, recorded, “Love is All Around.” So my point is made.

Love is so multi-faceted, that noted psychics, the 1-800- LOVE lines, and mind experts cannot “pigeon hole” “love” into one solitary category. You have soft love, tough love, distant love, intimate love, obsessive love, pure love, sacrificial love, I love being here and love with no end.

If you met another woman and suspected you were falling in-love with her, would you tell your wife?

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Isn't this couple so happy?

Vintage, edited in-love
Vintage, edited in-love | Source
Couples in-love are happy wherever they are.
Couples in-love are happy wherever they are. | Source
Frolicking is just one game loves play.
Frolicking is just one game loves play. | Source
Wild, untamed behavior accompanies being in-love
Wild, untamed behavior accompanies being in-love | Source
Being able to communicate at any hour of the day or night is being in-love
Being able to communicate at any hour of the day or night is being in-love | Source

A lot to do about "love"

Poems by the ton and songs by the trainload have been written, recorded, and sang into the ground about “love.” “Love,” has made mega-stars from ordinary street bums who knew a few chords on the guitar that brought them fame, notoriety and millions to spend.

Some of those same mega-stars who sang about “love” lost the same millions listening to guru’s talk about love on higher-levels. And keeping-up the free-loaders who these mega-stars needed for running errands, while they conducted press conferences in their PJ’’s.“Yes men,” was the main jobs of these free-loaders. Oh, if only these mega-stars had listened to John Lennon’s “Love is All You Need,” then maybe they might have been wiser with their investments and keeping 150 “Yes men,” on their payroll.

Personally, I imagined my life without my comforts, necessities of life, a home, clothes, food, family, friends, music, books, my laptop, desktop, HubPages, iPad, daughter, son-in-law and precious grandchildren, and almost had an emotional melt-down because John did say, (love) was all I needed. I don’t know about you, but my head wouldn’t fit around that ideology.

Practicing what John Lennon preached

But suppose that I did put John’s thinking into motion, how would I go about living with only love? I suppose I would wander the streets of my hometown telling strangers that I loved them and with a hand shake or embrace, I would walk away telling other people that “love” is all I’ve got—and for them to learn what “real” life is by stripping themselves of clothing and other materialistic things, and start spreading the “All you need is love,” campaign. And giving out photos of John Lennon.

Then, I hit a rough patch. Some do-gooder, civic-minded citizens would call the police to arrest me because of the threat I posed—wearing only a dish towel that I had swiped from my home before I gave it to charity because of Lennon’s song, “Love is All You Need.” I have to be truthful. In my fantasy I missed my home because I had been sleeping underneath an overpass on an interstate highway near my town. Concrete is rough on semi- naked flesh. So take it from me. Do not try this.

Then while in jail, I would be raped or beaten or both because of my seductive wardrobe (a green dish towel) that sent a signal to the gay and sadistic prisoners who were doing time for writing bad checks and peddling homemade drugs, that “I” was easy and had no morals. (Billy Preston would be proud).

Speaking now from personal experience, I can tell you honestly that love is dangerous. Not like the playing with nitroglycerin dangerous, but very close.

Oh yes, swimming for no reason

Truly this couple is in-love
Truly this couple is in-love | Source

A man's diversions keeping him from falling in-love

Wood working is a great way to not think about falling in-love with another women.
Wood working is a great way to not think about falling in-love with another women. | Source
Building model cars can keep a man's mind off of leaving his wife for another woman.
Building model cars can keep a man's mind off of leaving his wife for another woman. | Source
Try playing a guitar to keep yourself from falling in-love with another woman and losing everything in your life.
Try playing a guitar to keep yourself from falling in-love with another woman and losing everything in your life. | Source

What is "dangerous"?

Let me define “dangerous.” There is a vast-difference in loving someone, and being in-love with someone. I believe I fall in the first category because throughout the course of my life, I have “loved” many, but fell “in-love,” few times. Those are the times that nag my mind, and wearies my soul.

When (a) man “falls in-love,” is there a specific time that he knows what has happened? Does he undergo a serious metamorphosis and turn from a burly man of the world to a giddy, giggling schoolboy grinning like a jackass? These are questions for debate. I don’t like to debate, so I will just say “no.”

Falling in-love is mostly a slow, precise process, and sometimes the “love at first sight,” happens. Again, I know both these sides of love and what they can do. Once again, allow me to use the word “dangerous,” for the type of “falling in-love,” I speak of, is between a married man and married woman.

The man is not that talkative, so the facts are few. I’m speculating that the man seriously-suspects that he “is” “falling in-love” with this married woman and since he was raised Christian, he realizes the danger, (there’s that word again), of this relationship developing into more than just a deep and enduring friendship.

He sometimes and runs numerous imaginary scenario’s of what it would be like, being with this married woman all of the time and being able to savor her numerous traits and gifts that made him fall for her, but his sensible thinking always leads him to the conclusions: pain, suffering, betrayal, loss of family, friends, and good name, all felt by those he and this woman caused by attraction for each other. Then he tries desperately to believe these endings so he will not “make a run” at this lovely woman.

But here is the real beleaguered-question for the married man who suspects he is falling in-love with this woman who just happens to be friends with his wife, “What choice do I have?” Actually, none. No options. Just an endless string of self-manufactured fantasies and unanswered questions.

If you fell in-love with another woman, would you leave your wife?

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Will these women look like your wife if you leave her

Distant and listless
Distant and listless | Source
Sad, depressed, loss of appetite and never coherent
Sad, depressed, loss of appetite and never coherent | Source

Just look at the facts

Facts are much-more persuasive than fantasy, no matter how good he would feel to just freely hold this married woman’s dainty little hand in his, but the fact is, he loves his wife and family. He loves his grandchildren so fervently that he would give his life for them. And he would do the same for the married woman.

Fact: It hurts him to even think of leaving his wife of over thirty-years. His wife is a gentle person, patient, giving, trusting, believes everything he confides to her. What a great wife she is, and for him to just leave her for this other woman would be equal to him taking her life. These boundaries are like an electric fence that keep him stable and not desiring to be this cruel to his wife.

Fact: At certain times, when he is alone, the fantasies surface. Just like the annoying ghosts of the deceased who have a grudge against him. The times he and this other woman have talked on the phone about things in life and the church they both attend. He remembers her soft voice. How very feminine she is. Even with her modest dress, she is beautiful. But for now, he stores these fantasies in his heart.

The man’s burden of the heart gets no lighter as days pile up. He knows full-well what God has said about adultery, and this is just what this is, adultery. It is one of the “Big 10,” “Thou shall not’s,” that God wrote to Moses on tablets of stone, but still, even this stern commandment has not kept him from thinking of her. What makes the man’s burden of the heart heavier is that his wife has not given him a reason to leave her. If he should leave her, it will be completely his doing. And undoing.

So how does this man know that he is in-love with this forbidden woman? There are as many signs as there are men. Because no one person’s signs of falling in-love is like another person's signs.To this troubled man, being in-love with the wrong woman is a series of scary feelings and mental visions he doesn’t grasp.

When he is with this other woman in their church, his focus is on her, but he knows not to just stare. He knows how church-goer’s are. Someone in the sanctuary is bound to see him staring at this gorgeous woman, then start malicious gossip. So he plays it cool. And gets his few moments to give the beautiful woman a safe “Christian embrace,” after the worship service, but he keeps his words on an encouraging, friendly level. Again, keeping it safe.

Another “dangerous” sign he notices is that of drifting-apart from his wife. He sometimes dwells on the other woman even when he and his wife are traveling or just sitting in their home relaxing, and the feeling he has of drifting-away from his companion gives him waves of guilt in his heart.

The sign he is more-concerned about than the other signs of him being in-love with another woman is that now, he is growing more-interested in the other woman’s past life. Her life and interests before she married her current husband, who by the way, is a wonderful man in every aspect of manhood.

He spends time praying that these signs of him being in-love will vanish, but they don’t. So he searches for diversions, things to keep his mind busy and not dwelling on the other woman as much as he has in weeks past. He tries wood-working, learning to play guitar, and doing radio work from his house. These serve him well. He only thinks of “her” in an occasional sense.

Sometimes during a diversion, he breathes a little easier. Maybe he has hit on a cure for these “dangerous” thoughts of being in-love with a married woman, but there are the rest of the signs that he has ran from over the years, the signs that can say with sure-confidence that he is “in-love.”

The other signs are: Losing his train of thought when the other woman is near him at church. Rehearsing numerous ways to tell her just how he feels, but suddenly realizes by doing this, he will lose a close friend. To top it off, he is not a free-wheeling, heartless jerk so he trashes thsse thoughts immediately.

Then he thinks to himself, surely she (the lovely married woman) knows how I feel. When we talk on the phone I always say I love you before I hang up. But she may think I love her only in an appropriate Christian way. And I do, but as a mortal, I believe that I am in-love with her, but I can do nothing about it.

If the other woman knows or doesn’t know, the man is still in a severe-dilemma that is present on a daily basis. And in simple terms, the dilemma is breaking him down as he continues to love and respect his wife to a point of rather taking his own life than hurt her this deeply of just up and walking away from her into the arms of another. So he spares his wife of the pain and deals with it by suffering in silence.

This dilemma’s other side is that of a dangerous, ill-thought-out flimsy scenario of him and the other woman leaving their companions to be together, but he soon realizes that a few cold questions are staring him square in the face: How will we survive? Where will we live? She has a great job, but I draw disability? How much of the bills from my marriage will I be responsible for? What will my grandkids think of me? More importantly, what will God think of me? Looks like “trouble for the home team.”

And after all of his praying, confessing his non-Christian thoughts to God for forgiveness, thinking of every possible angle and scenario, he is left with just one realization: This man is in a severe, painful dilemma and will suffer for the rest of his natural life: loving his wife and in-love with another woman. A rare occurrence in the cosmos entitled, “The True Love Paradox,” something that Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein could never unravel.

Then he sees a glimmer of peace. And one thinkable thought: The other woman doesn’t fathom how deeply in-love I am with her. And that is good. I am not going to be “the” root of evil by telling her either.

Sometimes, being in-love means to suffer in silence for a little while, than to suffer a lifetime of blame for the wreckage you caused.

Are you okay?

Now that you have read this non-humorous hub? I certainly hope so, because this was my first serious piece of writing that was a hub, not a poem.

And this hub has been edited four times. I wanted this to be as good as any informative hub that has or will be published on HubPages.

If you like it or don't like it.

I tried.


What would the other woman do for you that you wife wouldn't do?

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    • catgypsy profile image


      4 years ago from the South

      I have to say that sometimes thinking you are in love with someone else can be better than the reality of actually being with that person. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's something to think about. Great job on a very interesting look at love.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 

      4 years ago from Minnesota

      Wow Kenneth-only you can put such an interesting spin on the theme of love. I too am glad the man did the right thing. Some times we can exaggerate a situation or person and think we are in love. You know, the grass seems greener on the other side-when really, we have what we need and more. Great hub my friend.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Even serious topics can be written with some comedy to keep it light and you did that extremely well.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      4 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Wonderful hub about a serious subject that a lot of people face Kenneth. I like how you began with a semi-humorous tone and gradually became more serious. I have been in a similar situation at one stage in my life but realised what was most important to me. The guy in your story did the right thing feel, by not revealing his love to the 'other woman'. It was the chivalrous thing to do. Voted up.

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 

      4 years ago from Philippines

      Sorry, but in spite of yourself, you were funny when you imagined parlaying John Lennon's song into real life and getting arrested for stripping yourself of all your clothes. But I do like the way you write when you get serious, because it has more substance and at a certain point, it's substance that keeps people coming back to what you're writing.

      Re the stripping part, it actually reminded me of St. Francis of Assisi, one of my favorite saints because he loved animals. Yes, he did strip when he decided that material things compare poorly to the riches of the spirit.

      And the dilemma of loving another woman but loving your wife, and deciding to settle for courtly love (it's medieval love, where a knight loves a noblewoman from afar, expecting nothing in return and just loving her), is, well, a nice ending. But I wonder if courtly love was real. Certainly if you watch the movie musical Camelot, it wasn't so.

      You wonder if the knights "courtly love" was actually a result of rejection by a noblewoman. At the same time, I do believe in committed love, and I believe that men who make the choice to stay in a committed relationship can really make it happen.

      Oh my, I rambled again....


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