ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

The Death of a Marriage

Updated on November 06, 2015

Til’ Death Do Us Part

“To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, from this day forward until death do us part.”

Those were the words spoken, man, and we meant them back then, in pressed suits and marriage gown all white and shiny lace, smiles all around, laughter, gaiety, a future of happiness awaited us both, we showed up, we said the words, we kissed, tossed bouquets, drank with our buddies, danced the dance and then rode off into the sunset.

Red sky at night, sailors delight….red sky in the morning, sailors take warning.

Was the sky red that night for you? For us? Did we heed the old saying or ignore in blissful ignorance?

We were going to have it all, the two-point three kids, white picket fence, two cars in the garage, credit card debt and big screen television, all the finest sprinkled with a healthy dollop of love, man what a future, man what a life, two of billions but the only two so fiercely in love and absolutely certain it would last forever.

Roll out the red carpet, the anointed ones have said “I do,” let the trumpets blare and let the games begin.

Delight or warning?
Delight or warning? | Source

HIM

Why was I such an asshole? Why wasn’t I willing to bend just a bit, complain a little less, do a little more, be willing to compromise occasionally? Why wasn’t I willing to compliment her more often on her cooking, on her appearance and on all the things she did? Why wasn’t I willing to toss aside the ego and embrace acceptance? Why wasn’t I willing to hold her, stroke her hair, make love to her, kiss her, tell her I loved her, show her I loved her, all just a little bit more?

Why was I so willing to put her down so often? Why was I so dissatisfied with what she did? Why did I feel the need to pick at her, tear her down and toss her aside? Why was I so demanding, do this, don’t do that, can’t you be quicker, can’t you be more assertive, can’t you be more loving, can’t you be more…more…more?

When did I stop seeing her as the most beautiful woman in the world? When did I stop telling her about her beauty? When did I decide to put her down, beat her down, tear her down, and turn my attention to another? When did I find more comfort in the arms of other women?

Why couldn’t I just learn to communicate, to share my feelings, to tell her about my fear, my anger and my insecurities? Why did I have to strike out with my words, make her feel less than, make her feel stupid, unsafe and unloved?

HER

Was it really necessary for me to try and change him? I loved him once. I thought he rose above them all when we met, his charm, his good looks, his sense of humor, the way he made me feel special each and every day….but I couldn’t stay satisfied. I had to ask for more. I had to keep prodding him to do more, earn more, be more, and why was that? If I loved him when I met him, why did I try to change him?

Dress nicer, stop acting like a kid, pick up around the house, stop being such a slob, why do you spend so much time with your friends, why don’t you work harder, why don’t you take life seriously and provide more?

Honey, the lawn needs mowing, honey, the trash needs to be taken out, honey, there are errands to do, stop watching the football game, dammit, and help me with the shopping, can’t you just be more responsible? My mother says you should be more like my dad, did I really say that, did I compare him to my hero and make him feel lacking? Was I really ashamed to be with him because he always wore jeans and a t-shirt? Did it really bother me that his hair was always un-kept and he had a couple beers at night? Were those really issues worth fighting over?

I could have been nicer to his parents, didn’t have to insist that every major holiday be spent with mine, didn’t have to ask for the best products and make him feel bad when we couldn’t afford them. I didn’t have to tell him he wasn’t the lover he once was, hurt his ego, steal his confidence, and crush his spirit.

What was I thinking? What was I lacking in myself? Why wasn’t I happy with the way things once were?

Source

The Little Ones

Why is daddy always angry? Why is mommy always sad? Why are there so many tears? Why don’t we all watch television together like we used to? Why don’t we go for drives or go for walks or go to the park like we did when we were young?

Why is mommy always angry? Why is daddy always sad? Why are there so many tears?

And why do I feel like it’s my fault? If I had only been a better little girl, mommy and daddy would be together again. If I had done my chores when I was supposed to, if I had been more polite, if I had cleaned my room more often, if I had hugged them more, then maybe they wouldn’t hate each other so much and maybe then they would love me more. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough. Maybe I wasn’t funny enough. Maybe I wasn’t loveable enough.

Why can’t it be the way it used to be? I don’t like spending weekends with just daddy and weekdays with just mommy. I want daddy to read me stories at night, every night, and mommy to make dinners at night, every night, and I want them both to tuck me in at night and kiss me on the forehead and tell me I’m special, just like they once did, so long ago, so many days ago, so many happy days ago.

Why am I crying all the time? Why can’t I be happy again? Why is life so horrible?

Happily ever after?
Happily ever after? | Source

Torn Asunder

Till death do us part, or not!

Visits to the counselors and shrinks, visits with the priest and the parents, lonely days and lonely nights, just barely holding it together, reconstructing lives with duct tape and baling wire, hoping the patchwork holds for another day, just keep it together in public, at work, out shopping, then home where you can fall apart in peace, maybe a couple glasses of wine and sweet oblivion, any Port in a storm to keep you from remembering how it once was and how it never will be again.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, the holy trinity of regret, weighing you down, at times suffocating, at times restraining, invisible bonds holding you in place, keeping you from making progress, binding you to a past that continues to harm long after the death of a marriage.

2015 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • Janine Huldie profile image

      Janine Huldie 16 months ago from New York, New York

      Seriously, such a somber, but realistic portrayal of the dining of a marriage and divorce. I thank god that even though my husband and I have our moments, we are able to communicate and work it out as we do very much never forget that we love each other, as well as that we are indeed in it for the long haul. Thanks for the reminder here though today how precarious and yet precious those initial vows were and still are. Have a great weekend now.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Janine, what a surprise, you're first here this morning. LOL

      I wish I could force-feed this article to all newlyweds so they understand just how much work and commitment marriage takes. You obviously understand this fact.

      Thank you, Janine, and Happy Weekend to you.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 16 months ago

      Excellent points!

      I believe the biggest difference between the 1950s and earlier are the expectations people have for marriage and themselves in general.

      In bygone years; "A car in every garage and chicken in every pot." was the "American Dream". Gender roles were fairly defined. Men worked and women took care of the household. After 40 years of work the guy got a gold watch, he and wife continued to host large family gatherings over the holidays for their adult children and grandchildren.

      The 1960s ushered in "The free love" movement, birth control pills, and "shacking up" became the rage. Near the end of the 60s and early 70s the women's Equal Rights Amendment was being advocated. Women wanted better job opportunities, higher pay, independence and freedom that was not granted to their mothers and grandmothers.

      According a recent AARP poll in the U.S. (women) initiate 66% or 2/3rds of all divorce filings! Even today friends of mistresses warn them: "The husband never leaves the wife." Essentially men have never led the charge to file for divorces. Maybe because usually ended up being the one's to move out of the home, pay child support or alimony.

      Nevertheless the man's actions may have motivated their wife to file.

      I believe the more money one earns or has, the more options they have. The more options one has the less crap they will put up with!

      Maybe we're seeing a rise in divorce rates because women aren't forced to endure unhappy marriages as their grandmothers may have been. They have their own careers, 401ks, and independence. Divorce and being a single parent has also lost it's stigma.

      With progress comes options or choice. Who is to say if women would have had careers and decent paying jobs in the 1950s or early how many of them would have stayed in marriages they were unhappy with.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      MizBejabbers 16 months ago

      Coming from 10 years of domestic abuse and trying to hold a marriage together just for the sake of the children, somehow this doesn't resonate with me. But it does describe a lot of marriages, and it should be required reading just before the ceremony. Even if we had read it, I doubt if we would have seen ourselves.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      All excellent points, dashingscorpio. As a child of the Sixties, I can see many social changes because of that decade. In many ways we are still paying the price...or recovering from the hangover, whichever makes better sense. :) Thank you for your thoughts.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      MizB, no doubt this does not apply to domestic abuse. That's an obvious case of a marriage needing to end...but in most cases, I think this applies.....put in the work and you put in the time. :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 16 months ago

      MizBejabbers, You make a good point.

      A woman in the 1950s with no college degree, training, or a job who was married to an abusive man was more likely to stay in that marriage.

      They simply could not afford the dramatic drop in living standards if they sought a divorce. Most women of prior eras were completely dependent on their husband's income and his health insurance benefits.

      Divorce also had a severe negative stigma.

      I suppose today when you get down to it a divorce is little more than a public admission that a "mistake" was made in one's mate selection process. It would be foolish to believe human beings make mistakes in every walk of life with the EXCEPTION of choosing their life mate!

      I believe the top 3 causes for divorce are:

      1. Choosing the "wrong mate" for oneself. (Not everyone hits the jackpot!)

      2. Got married for the "wrong reasons" (age, money, pregnancy, ultimatum)

      3. Falling out of love over time/grew apart. (Don't want same things anymore)

    • Buildreps profile image

      Buildreps 16 months ago from Europe

      Good morning, Bill. Excellent article. I believe like you the only thing is that we have to accept how our lives went. It all preceded the perfect moment where you're now, although we're not always able to see that.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 16 months ago

      Many, too many, of my friends divorced. From my perspective and my observations of their relationships, their unions never had a chance. I say choose wisely. I did....

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 16 months ago from Southern Illinois

      You wrote the perfect decline of a marriage. It happens slowly over a timespan of reality. The perfect life that never was and never would be. Growing up in a marriage is painful.

    • Reynold Jay profile image

      Reynold Jay 16 months ago from Saginaw, Michigan

      Hi Bill--You write with so much wit, wonderful humor and then the pathos, the tragedy that underlines all of it. I must say that I was deeply moved by this and I reflect upon my one life that could have gone astray as it did with you. We all are frail individuals and recognize that none of us are perfect. Particularly ourselves! I was going down the worn path to divorce just a tiny bit. And then I realized my own shortcomings and turned myself around and became a slightly different person. Most importantly, I worked to over come my anger that was directed at my wife. I realized that the anger WAS MY SHORTCOMING and simply refused to allow it to happen. It was a turning point in our life. Rule #1 is NEVER direct anger at your spouse. Rule #2 might be to allow the spouse to direct all the anger they wish at you. Not an easy task for many. When one side of a relationship refuses to respond to anger, there IS HOPE. My wife often says, " You are being sarcastic!" when I am not. No, I really believe what I am saying as contrary as it might appear. One might practice allowing others to hurl insults at you and shrug it off. And when you learn that the other person needs to express anger you simply let them do it with a compassionate viewpoint. It can be done. Yep-- married for fifty years and we are as happy as can be. It could be working with Special education impaired students all my life had something to do with it.

    • rdsparrowriter profile image

      rdsparrowriter 16 months ago

      oh wow! So many questions and thoughts .... It's very sad...

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 16 months ago from The Caribbean

      Bill, you tackled all the demons. The questions make us reflect, and for those who are still married, I hope they take the time to answer. So well done!

    • lambservant profile image

      Lori Colbo 16 months ago from Pacific Northwest

      Very powerful billy.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      MizBejabbers 16 months ago

      Dashing makes some very valid points. My first marriage was in the '60s, not the '50s, but my ex thought like someone from the 1800s or perhaps Sharia law. His parents (wonderful people) used to ask him where he got such ideas. They said "you sure didn't get them from us."

      Our agreement before marriage (I should have gotten it in writing) was that I would finish college before we considered a family. I was forced to drop out of college, then here came kids before I was ready. Years later my mother asked why I didn't leave him and come home before I got pregnant. The truth was that staying in a bad marriage was actually better than the treatment I would have gotten from her if I had returned home. Women of her generation were browbeaten into that kind of mindset. It really was the 70s before some of us could get our acts together and say "enough is enough." That man still causes trouble between my kids and me to this day. I don't know why they allow it except that they were victims, too.

    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 16 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Too many tears and mixed emotions to make a sensible, acceptable comment. Maybe another time..............Love ya bro

    • tillsontitan profile image

      Mary Craig 16 months ago from New York

      "If only..."

      This was sad to read, but I know so truthful. Marriage isn't easy, even when you love your partner completely. It is something you have to continue to work at as you've pointed out so well. You can never forget to put your partner first.

    • phoenix2327 profile image

      Zulma Burgos-Dudgeon 16 months ago from United Kingdom

      Yes, when did it all go wrong? Or was it ever really right? Was it easy to overlook the faults in the first flush of love but harder to ignore when faced with them on a daily basis? Marriage is hard, no doubt. My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we're something of an oddity amongst my children's friends. What's our secret? Damned if I know.

      Another good hub, Bill. You're definitely back in the saddle again and your voice has returned loud and clear.

    • Carb Diva profile image

      Linda Lum 16 months ago from Washington State, USA

      Oh Bill, the world is filled with so many "if only" s. I really can't find the words right now. I am surprised that there are not more comments (yet), but perhaps your other readers, like me, are still gasping for breath.

      This is perfectly written, and so sad. I am reflecting on all of the horrible mistakes I have made in the past 30+ years, and thank God that man still loves me.

      You and I have been blessed--we are the lucky ones. I pray you and Bev had a wonderful weekend. Enjoy each other and love every day like it might be your last

    • Homeplace Series profile image

      William Leverne Smith 16 months ago from Hollister, MO

      Any writing that can bring out this breadth of comments is very special. Thank you for sharing. We are fortunate to have achieved 56 years of marriage and counting, but the circumstance you describe are so familiar ... you continue to amaze me. ;-)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks again, dashingscorpio!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Good afternoon Buildreps. It took me a very long time to see the truth in your statement.

      Thank you and Happy Weekend to you.

    • CrisSp profile image

      CrisSp 16 months ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

      You've nailed them all Bill and it'll be hard not to comment. After all, I've been married for 27 years now. Lots of ups and downs but still going strong. 'Til "debt" do us part, applies to us, as we joke around with family and friends.

      We're kind of old school you know. We fix the problem, if any.

      Sadly, the death of marriage is quite rampant now a days.

      To you and Bev...love from the sky. ~

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Pop, your advice is right on. Never be in such a hurry that you ignore some warning signs, and those warning signs will show themselves if we are patient enough. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Oh boy, Ruby, did you ever say a mouthful there...it is painful for sure. :)

      Have a fantastic weekend and thank you, my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Reynold Jay, you speak with quite a bit of wisdom, my friend. Thank you! And thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I enjoy hearing from those who have a proven track record of success, and fifty years certainly qualifies you as experienced and successful. Best wishes for the next fifty. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Every divorce should be sad, rdsparrowriter. Thank you for stating what should be obvious to all.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you very much, Dora!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I appreciate that, Lori! Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      MizB, thank you for sharing part of your story. I think it's important that we do..so we can learn and others might as well.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Love you too, Sis! Sorry about those tears...I'll go lighthearted next week...promise.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Mary, that's probably why they call it a union. :) Thank you for your reflections.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I appreciate you saying that about my voice, Zulma. I don't always know and rely on my friends to clear the rubble from my sight. Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you so much, Linda! I don't do this "heavy" very often because it takes too much out of me. I promise a more uplifting article next week.

      Happy weekend to you and yours.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Bill, I stand in awe of 56 years. A job well done, my friend, and thank you for your kind words.

    • Nadine May profile image

      Nadine May 16 months ago from Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa

      I saw your article passing on on Google + and I had to read this. What great writing. Yes during my marriage counseling days what always came up was the lack of real communications between couples who had started to drift apart. During these periods when one partner would start to look around for a different partner, then the marriage would dissolve. A lot of growth can happen if both parties are willing to work at it, but not if a third person becomes involved. Sadly so.

    • DreamerMeg profile image

      DreamerMeg 16 months ago from Northern Ireland

      That sounds so sad and so true. I think a lot of the pressure comes from the media and television telling us what we should and must do to be a success! We have tossed the TV and I think we are better and happier for it, because we have fewer "wants", so less to argue about and more time to talk and just "be".

    • Old Poolman profile image

      Mike 16 months ago from Rural Arizona

      Bill, having been married to the same woman for 51 years I guess I am one who took the vows seriously.

      In all of those years there have been many ups and downs, but mostly ups. I believe now a marriage that lasts 5 years is a record. What has changed to cause this I don't know.

      Great work as usual my friend.

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 16 months ago

      You Kinda' nailed this on my friend , No wonder you are so popular !

    • carol7777 profile image

      carol stanley 16 months ago from Arizona

      I remember getting divorced and glad it was extremely amicable. No fights no problems at that time. However, I am not sure I really thought how it affected my kids. My older boy told me it didn't bother him at all and I know my younger one suffered..even though we stayed a team as parents..I dothink both my kids will never divorce..of course one never knows. One day things are good and the next it is over--actually it took a while of slowly building unhappiness and wanted to do things away from each other. It is truly an epidemic...But so true with pressed suit, white dress and then...Great article here Bill and it says it all

    • Jackie Lynnley profile image

      Jackie Lynnley 16 months ago from The Beautiful South

      If we could just wait until we really grow up to get married....but then when is that?

    • suzettenaples profile image

      Suzette Walker suzettetaos 16 months ago from Taos, NM

      Don't be too hard on yourself and others. It we woulda shoulda coulda about the past we will never be able to put it behind us. We have all made mistakes in our relationships that have caused others pain and felt that pain ourselves. We need to forgive one another and move forward.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Suzette. It certainly wasn't my intention to be hard on anyone. Interesting that you saw this as being hard.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Cris, to you and your husband, I say WELL DONE!!!!

      Have a terrific weekend and thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Nadine, without a doubt, the lack of communication was my greatest deficiency. Thank goodness I finally learned. :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      DreamerMeg, thanks for sharing what's working for you....we rarely watch television. We have too much life to live to waste time with "reality" tv. :)

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 16 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Hindsight is a wonderful thing Bill. I am sure if many ex-couples could sit down and contemplate where their marriage went wrong, they would come up with very similar scenarios to what you have written here. As you say, all newlyweds need to read something like this before making the commitment to marry. This is all too common. You covered all sides of the equation brilliantly.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Mike! I'm in awe of 51 years of marriage. Well done my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you ahorseback...much appreciated.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you for sharing, Carol! It's a tough road to make it work, one I stumbled down until I learned.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Exactly, Jackie! When is that magical moment when we do grow up?

    • Venkatachari M profile image

      Venkatachari M 16 months ago from Hyderabad, India

      It would be really unbearable if marriages break. One can not survive, if he/she has been really in love. I am thankful to God, that I have been able to avert such serious mistakes in my life by keeping my love intact till her last breath. Even now, I look at her photo and express my thanks for being with me till her last moment of life.

      I am very sorry for people making these mistakes. My blessings and best wishes to you.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 16 months ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Communication and neglect can ruin any marriage no matter how good you think a marriage is, there is often something that goes a miss and you never see it until too late.

      Talking is not nagging that is why talking is good.

    • Seafarer Mama profile image

      Karen Szklany Gault 16 months ago from New England

      Hey Bill ~ Great article, and very poignant. I think I learned by watching my parents fail at marriage. It took me a very long time to want to settle down. I had so much healing and growing to do before I could commit to and maintain a healthy marriage. Glad I found a special spouse who is willing to work with me to make things work out. We have disagreements, but we do work each day to see and express the positive in each other, and we won't ever give up on or abandon each other.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      John, hindsight is one of those things that is always perfect. Since I'm an imperfect human being, I'm afraid hindsight won't be doing me much good. :) Thank you and Happy Weekend to you.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Venkatachari M, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. Bless you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you DDE! I love your line "talking is not nagging"....very true.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Mama, it sounds to me as though you have found the recipe for success. Thanks for sharing it with all of us...work each day to see and express the positive in each other...beautiful.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 16 months ago from Central Florida

      The death of a marriage is so sad. What's even sadder is the death of love, respect, and friendship that crumbles along with it. Why do we forget how swept off our feet we were when we first met our spouses? Does life really become that hard, when working as a couple, that they no longer see each other as individuals? I think that may be part of it. We get a little lost when we take on the responsibility of family life. We lose a part of ourselves and turn the blame game on at full volume.

      Shoulda, coulda, woulda is the Grim Reaper of relationships and dreams. Where's the Little Engine That Could when we need him most?

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 16 months ago from south Florida

      Those who are planning to marry would do well to read this realistic assessment before saying 'I do.' And then referring to it periodically.

      You did cover just about all of the bases with this one, Bill. Now you can add Conscientious Marriage Counselor to your other titles.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 16 months ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      This just kicks me in the pants. I wish my first would have worked out, we do well with the kids now older. But damn.

      And then I kick myself for thinking that for there would be no wife now who I love so dearly and no little Gabriel who brings such love to his family.

      Oh well, far be it from to figure it out.

    • BigBlue54 profile image

      BigBlue54 16 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

      As always, Bill, very thought provoking.

      I have, in the past, thought like you Ericdierker about my first marriage, but I am now in a much better relationship and would not change it for the world.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Great last line, Sha! I don't know where he is/was, but we could sure use him when push comes to shove.

      Thanks for your thoughts, my friend.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      drbj, you make me smile. The only qualifications I have for that new gig is experience in what not to do....but I finally got it right.

      Thank you!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      You and me both, Eric! The mistakes of the past led me to Bev and that's a very good thing.

      Bless you buddy!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Here, here, Big Blue...I wouldn't change a thing but man, was it ever a painful lesson to learn.

      Thank you sir!

    • annart profile image

      Ann Carr 16 months ago from SW England

      Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It's a shame there isn't a manual for marriage but then it wouldn't work for everyone apart from one thing: love. That's the only word needed for the manual, I suppose.

      Great piece here, bill. Been there, done that, but now the world is good.

      Ann

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Ann, that would be the shortage ebook in history...one word: love!

      bill

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 16 months ago from london

      Another no punches pulled kind of Hub, Bill. Seems like you've been there before. Yeh, yeh, Ha ha ...not good at humour, bro...

      Still this is pretty real and serious stuff. brilliant Hub!

    • Michael-Milec profile image

      Michael-Milec 16 months ago

      Hello Bill. If this article would be authored by anyone else, i would refuse to believe the conversation, phrases , a vocabulary people of all ages choose to speak involving " marriage." All by mere choice ! I am trying to imagine a girl and a boy, a woman and a man 'choosing' each other only to have an object of abuse or dishonor?! I do not believe its present culture ideal of a ''marriage." Marriage is a divine order and won't die "until death do us part.” Marriage based on "love" the most unusual union of two strangers put together under the same name, the same 'roof', the individuals who by the book of all wisdom " become one flesh." One of the hardest thing to harmonize without "love". What is "love " in marriage? Love is a hard work, daily appreciation one another , honoring with 'husband's' best giving to my wife, in return my" wife's" best is given to me, so we both do have the best all the time. Never compromising. We have stopped arguing before even starting one reasonably choosing one of two choices, avoiding to destroy good thing by compromise. Its not easy, but its a choice. Man is given a leading role in the family. His wife is a ' 'helper ' the one without a man isn't complete the one who praises her husband for all good ideas, deeds, provision and honor. There wasn't given us a 'manual' as being a best couple , later on a ''best" parents. These manners are being learn as we go minute by minute. During my carrier as counselor of future couples, I never ask if they are ready, I have stated that the first one hundred years in a ''marriage" are as trial - learning to know each other and making our good better every day. Then I said , we never been there .... I do not have the "final answer " yet, our growing together in patience is past a half way, (forty six years to the full number). A simple solution, isn't it?!

      My friend, telling the truth, if someone would show us a video of our all future life together the moment before saying "I do", we would probably run away and never see each other. Yet , on every anniversary I repeat the phrase " If I have to do it again I would choose only you, would you do the same ?" ... Life is beautiful when we choose beauty to cultivate. (Can I say thank God?!)

      Have a most wonderful and a blessed week...

    • lifegate profile image

      William Kovacic 16 months ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      Very powerful, Bill. We need to be reminded of these things. In some cases, it may be too late, but for all, it will protect the future if we do more than just read. The application is the key. Thanks for showing both sides of the pain that exists. Might we avoid future pain.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Manatita! I'll take "brilliant" as a review any old day.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Michael my friend, proof once more that you are, indeed, a writer. Beautiful thoughts here, Michael, and I love your last paragraph.

      Blessings to you always and yes, you can say thank God!

      bill

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Bill, we might certainly avoid future pain, but as you know, it takes hard work. :) Thank you sir!

    • Larry Rankin profile image

      Larry Rankin 16 months ago from Oklahoma

      A recipe for dissolution. Well done. I hope I never have to be there, myself.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I hope so too, Larry! Thank you!

    • mckbirdbks profile image

      mckbirdbks 16 months ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

      Marriage is easy. I've done it plenty of times.

    • marcoujor profile image

      Maria Jordan 16 months ago from Jeffersonville PA

      Hard to make a serious comment after Mike's...

      ... your muse is taking you on a beautiful journey, dear Bill.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL...good one, Mike!

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Maria, impossible to follow that line of Mike's.

      Thank you, my dear, and my muse thanks you.

      love,

      bill

    • BigBlue54 profile image

      BigBlue54 16 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

      Just read an article on the BBC website. The number of divorces in the UK is in decline. But for those who marry a second time you have nearly a 70% chance of your second marriage succeeding.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Wow! Big Blue, the last time I saw statistics in the U.S., they were much different than what you quoted. Very interesting.

    • BigBlue54 profile image

      BigBlue54 16 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

      The one group that is bucking the trend is the over 60s. With a much longer life expectancy and a much better position financially many are splitting up rather then face another 20 or so more years together.

      In another twist it can be the adult children who feel it the most, suddenly finding there parents splitting up.

      Age gaps can also be a big problem. When you are thirty and you marry someone who is twenty that is not a problem. But when one is sixty and the other is seventy and you could end up having to deal with all the age related problems then that can be too much for some.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      All true, BigBlue. Here, the Baby Boomers really spiked the divorce rate when they were younger. I do believe the rate is going down here. It seems as though I read that awhile ago.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image

      Frank Atanacio 16 months ago from Shelton

      Billybuc you really throw pall over the institution of marriage here.. it is almost impossible to see any light at the end of a failing or dying marriage love the write my friend :)

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thanks Frank. It's a good think I didn't write this years ago while going through divorce. It might have been dark. LOL

    • BigBlue54 profile image

      BigBlue54 16 months ago from Hull, East Yorkshire

      Not sure how these statistics will work out for me. I have been married before so that should be good for a second relationship. But she has not been married before. On top of that I am ten years older the her. Should be interesting.

      I remember some years ago reading about a man in Texas who applied for a divorce. Apparently they had a computer in one of the main buildings and all you had to do was fill in the details. If there was no problems then the judge would grant the divorce.

      Having filled in the details he was walking away from the computer when he saw his wife coming the other way. Realising what he had done she was very upset, as you may expect. She was upset that he had gotten there before her as she wanted to divorce him. This is the problem with women. You finally do something that she wants and your still wrong.

    • thabeloluvhimbi profile image

      Thabelo Luvhimbi 16 months ago from Louis Trichardt, South Africa

      @Bill I enjoyed the hub and l've learnt alot during the process of going through it. Thanks.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Big Blue, I'll be laughing the rest of the day over that anecdote. Only in Texas, my friend, only in Texas.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      thabelovuvhimbi, thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment from South Africa.

    • thabeloluvhimbi profile image

      Thabelo Luvhimbi 16 months ago from Louis Trichardt, South Africa

      Your welcome Bill. You omitted few letters on my names. Is suppose to be thabeloluvhimbi. But its fine as long as the first name is correct.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      I apologize about your name. I must have been trying to type too fast. :)

    • thabeloluvhimbi profile image

      Thabelo Luvhimbi 16 months ago from Louis Trichardt, South Africa

      Apology accepted.

    • aviannovice profile image

      Deb Hirt 16 months ago from Stillwater, OK

      God forbid if your boss is one of these...then we all become the worthless, sniveling partner...

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Amen to that, Deb! :) Thank you!

    • Monis Mas profile image

      Aga 16 months ago

      Good read. A bit dark, but unfortunately often so true.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Monis, unfortunately yes, a bit dark. Thanks for hanging in there and reading it.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 16 months ago from USA

      People can choose the wrong mates and not understand one another's key priorities in life on big issues like kids/money/religion/in-laws. Then there are the deal-breakers, crises, and challenges that no one saw coming.

      Forever is such a long time, especially when you don't truly know the person you've chosen. People often change tremendously over time. Who among us are the same people we were 20 years ago? You either grow together as a couple or apart.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 16 months ago from Olympia, WA

      All very true, Flourish. All very true...and yet there is no reasoning with most people who say they are in love and have found the perfect mate. Sigh! I know I wouldn't have listened many years ago.

    • lawrence01 profile image

      Lawrence Hebb 16 months ago from Hamilton, New Zealand

      Bill

      So powerful, I saw many a friends marriage fall apart this way. Making sure ours doesn't is hard work and lots of prayer!

      Lawrence

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 15 months ago from Olympia, WA

      For sure, Lawrence....work and prayer will go a long way, my friend.

      blessings always

      bill

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 15 months ago

      Your article states what causes the majority of marriage failure. It did cause me a bit of sadness while reading it as I have family who suffered in this way. If only couples would communicate early on and learn to listen to better their relationship.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 15 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Dianna! I'm convinced the lack of communication is the number one reason for divorce....by far.

    • social thoughts profile image

      social thoughts 14 months ago from New Jersey

      Bill,

      Your writing is always so beautiful and honest. This definitely touched my heart. I connect with it deeply. Thank you for sharing.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 14 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Kailey, thank you very much. I did not enjoy writing this...touched a bit too close to home for me....but it is necessary to look at the pain and the good times. :)

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 13 months ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      A barrage of questions to shoot but certainly worth it if one wishes that the marriage stays alive and kicking. A whole lot of food for thought, my friend, and the need of current times.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 13 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Thank you Rajan! It's been awhile since I did a social commentary. I appreciate you being here.

    • profile image

      Missy 11 months ago

      As I read this I simply couldn't stop the hot rush of tears streaming down my face as they gushed from eyes. I've been fighting hard to save my marriage however it seems to fall apart a little more every day. As I read my mind began to race and I felt the pieces of my broken heart slowly sink into my stomach. It made the possibility of divorce seem even more real and it just hurts. I'm not at all ready to give up however my husband is. My heart would certainly be broken regardless however it absolutely shatters over & over again everytime I look at my children. If I could give one piece of advice to newlyweds it would be to always love freely with every fiber of your being and make sure they know. Don't ever ever leave any room for your spouse to doubt, wonder or question your love for them. Love can't be earned.

    • billybuc profile image
      Author

      Bill Holland 11 months ago from Olympia, WA

      Missy, I'm so sorry for your pain and the pain your children are going to feel. Thank you for reading and I wish you the best as you move forward.

    Click to Rate This Article