The Forgotten Sister - Chapter 5

5 May

I suppose I should be grateful to wake up this morning rested and relaxed from a good, apparently dreamless sleep and I am. That was my goal after all. I wanted to chase away the bad dreams I was having of my sister, Lisbeth. I had one good dream of her helping me bake a cake and now this night of blissful nothingness. Could it be that I’m not afraid of her any longer now that she has the sympathy of the entire nation of Sweden? Am I that shallow? Is my journal writing giving me this new found peace of mind? We are now orphans, she and I and we are the only family that we have. Perhaps it is time to stop hiding from her? Is that what I’ve been doing, hiding from her or hiding from myself?

I have a thing about fate and chance. I like to nudge my fate along a bit sometimes. For instance, I buy lottery tickets. I know my chances of winning are slim but if I don’t put myself out there as a winner my chances are zero. Zero is not an appealing percentage to me. The thing is I do win occasionally. Oh, it’s usually small awards but I won this really big lottery one time. Lars had just died and I really wanted to just sell everything and just get away from all of the memories. I sold his cars and put up the house we renovated for sale. I sold or gave away his tools, his clothes, his cassettes, his vinyl LP collection of ‘60’s hits, everything. This all took time and while I was waiting for it all to disappear I entered into the U.S. visa lottery and to my great surprise won a permanent resident visa. That’s how I came to be here and being here helped me to forget about all of these old times and live in the present moment.

Well, it did for a time anyway until I started having nightmares about my sister Lizbeth and began keeping this journal. I’m finding now that I no longer want to hide from my memories but rather want to write them down now. It is giving me a sense of peace that I have never known before. And most surprisingly I do not want to hide from Lizbeth any longer either. I think I understand her better after reading some of the things the newspapers reported in Sweden. I don’t know if she feels the same way or not about me. She was always the angry one and I was always the fearful or rejecting one. I did not nurture or support her when we lived together and I’ve been afraid of her since we were separated. Lizbeth was always the strange one and I was always the popular, normal one. It didn’t make for a warm sisterly dynamic especially in a home always in the shadow of domestic violence.

I want to reach out to her but in such a way that she does not feel any pressure. It said in the newspaper that she worked as a highly skilled researcher so I thought that the best thing would be to make it easy for her to find me. It seems to me that the best way to go about this is to create a Facebook page for Camilla Salander Johanson. If she ever wants to find me she can do so in under a minute. I start tomorrow!

....continued: http://robnpak.hubpages.com/hub/The-Forgotten-Sister-Chapter-Six

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