- Gender and Relationships
The Human Reaction Factor
Cause and reaction. Not as simple as it should be.
As of lately I am deeply examining human nature in a committed relationship. This hub will probably be followed with quite a few more . There are so many levels and sides of a healthy relationship to unravel or sometimes a very unhealthy one .
Reactions are what I am speaking of today and how we can learn so much from ourselves and others based on them. My hope in writing this hub, is that some or many will be able to establish if they are in a healthy, unhealthy or a completely abusive relationship .
Everyone is guilty of over or under-reacting at times, this is in my opinion quite the norm. It is when a person consistently has a reaction to an event, thought or feeling that shows no compassion, empathy or concern for another and their only focus is on what they are feeling during their own reaction.
Examples are a staple in my thinking and thus in my writing too. It helps me to break away from my own personal feelings and enables me to make a point that hopefully isn't offensive .
Imagine driving and you are forced to slam on brakes. One might curse out loud or some might be thankful that no one was hurt. Then there is the person that has complete focus on their reaction. The one that is angry and afraid, might be the very one that stops the other person that caused the near accident and scold or scream at the driver but quickly find out that it was due to a child running across the road. Most I feel would at that point say that they were sorry and understood completely and then there is the abusive type of reaction. The one that still is only focused on their reaction. How could a parent let the child run free? How could a child be so stupid? The driver is still at the mercy of this venting person. The reaction abuser. It obviously doesn't matter about the why or the reason. This person is now saying you must be lying. They do not see a child or parents around. The driver is saying " they left" and back on the road. Now this enrages the reaction abuser. He is now loud and saying " All I wanted was an apology!" The driver is nervous and befuddled and tells him " sir I thought I said that earlier but yes I am sorry I slammed on brakes" This is not enough for the abuser, now you must admit that the story of the child was a lie and the story the abuser thought in the first place is the truth. It is a never ending cycle because most are not going to confess to telling a lie when they didn't . However in a verbally abusive relationship, I think we would be shocked how many will lie to the reaction abuser , just to have peace. This is truly sad ,for no one is really happy and somehow both feel abused. Maybe from the lies they tell themselves or the lies they force their love one to tell. Either way it is abuse and walking or driving away is all one can do to save themselves from further mistreatment.
I realize my story was not one that will likely be in the day to day lives of reaction abuse. However it certainly made a point. Living with someone that only focuses on their reaction generally lacks compassion and empathy . The only thing they want to hear is how you wronged them and how their reaction was perfectly normal.
Examples of reaction abuse:
When you don't answer their call very quickly or text them and let them know exactly why you can not speak to them. If you do this a few times then you are questioned about infidelity. If your reaction is upset or even indignant to them, you will be told that you must be running around and your reaction is abnormal. That anyone has the right to ask their spouse if they are cheating. Of course many will argue and say " if you don't trust me then leave" Or explain to no end how you have just been busy and can't always get to the phone. That will only lead to them reacting to the fact that now you don't put the marriage first. Endless circle of hurt, betrayal and over reacting.
When a time stamp on a site says you were online at 3am. You are asked about it and quickly say" well I wasn't" It must be a mistake in the time stamp". Of course you are still questioned why you would lie and be online at that time of night. It is now hard to prove you are innocent. That will become the direction of your relationship. Always proving where you are and what you are doing. Whom you speak with and TRUST me, Now we are talking about trust issues.
No matter what you are doing , feeling and thinking, Unless it is exactly what they think you should do, feel and think. The reaction is fierce and you will be accused of more than you could ever imagine and the names that flail from the mouth of the once beloved is now the voice of no reason, insanity and the voice of the monster that lurks within them. I call that monster the " emotional bully.
The early signs are there. Watch for them. Problems are work, friends and family. They are always a victim and innocent of any thing. If there was an out burst of reaction, it will be minimized and blamed on the other person almost always. Your relationship will be discussed every time the abuser feels slighted and looking for validation when you have professed your innocence and now they have more gun powder to fight you with. It is ever so difficult to see your family member of friend hurt and they have a one sided story to tell. Funny thing however, they will tell their side and your side and both sides based on the story they tell looks nothing like what was said or done.
The trust issues will be over things you cant prove most often because it about how you feel. They will tell you how you feel and arguing only promotes a cycle of other things thrown in to confuse you to even what the main conversation was about.
The emotional bully will win at all cost. The reason from what I can tell is their need to feel validated on most everything they feel or think. Too bad they are not mature enough yet to validate for themselves. It is a horrific way for a relationship to exist and to try to exit it as well. By the end of the abuse, one has no idea why they love this person that is destroying them and the relationship. There at one time was much love there or the person would have walked out much earlier.
The ironic thing about trust/mistrust. I have found that the one accusing so hardcore is generally the one doing exactly what they are accusing the other of.
Most I feel ,think others think like ourselves and if we are thinking and doing things not healthy for a relationship, it would make sense that the abuser thinks this way too.
My advice is to watch for a persons reaction. If it is focused on them solely and no care of the why and reason something happened and just the fact that it caused them to react. Shows no compassion or empathy . If the reaction is loud and leaves you feeling abused, bashed and tormented, then you probably were at the hands and voice of that untrustworthy , emotionally bully and in the end you will be left with the scars from a monster.
Either way a normal healthy reaction is what we all deserve to have and receive, even if the circumstances are extreme. If one doesn't care about another and have and hold compassion for others, then it is fair to say the abuser will not care about you, your thoughts and feelings. After awhile that alone is a lonely way to live.