The Hunter's Wife-What to Do While Your Man is Away
The Hunter's Wife
Ladies, if you are the wife of a hunter then I certainly don't need to explain to you the trials and tribulations that rear their heads beginning around August. The missed meals, the huge chunks of change flying out the door on ammo and hunting licenses, and the fact that after a while you may even forget what your husband looks like. And when he does come back he looks more like Grizzly Adams or Jeremiah Johnson than that stranger in your wedding photos, not to mention that he's been wearing the same underwear for three days in a row. Ladies, don't become bitter or jealous over the puzzling siren's song of the hunt. Just because we don't get it, doesn't mean we can't take advantage of it. Here are some things to do while your man is away on the hunt.
Eat Garbanzo Beans for Dinner and Forget to Clean the House
One of the many benefits of an absent husband is the fact that you can take a break from the chores, and no one else is there to care. Of course, if you have children this may not work quite as well, but then again kids won't complain if you bring home pizza two nights in a row either.
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Have A Little...Fun
When your hunter is gone it's time to invite your Hawaiian bodybuilder boyfriend Tom'Kiro over. Who else can...err..."benchpress" you? Oh, wait. There really is no good time to invite him over? Darn marriage vows. After you've cleared your head of naughty fantasies indulge in a real sensual treat, Ben and Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream and Pride and Prejudice.
Play a Prank
Don't be whiny and upset because your husband is gone, nothing is more annoying than a whiny hunter's wife. Instead, think of a great prank to play on your husband (I know, I'm so sweet it makes your teeth hurt). I personally prefer the "Dear John Letter".
After much careful thought I have decided torun away with our next door neighbor Jim. He has promised me a wonderful life, financed by the grow operation in his basement. He says we'll only have to live in the trailer in the woods for a few months before pot is legalized anyway, and I believe him. He says it'll also make the delivery really easy (oh, don't worry, the baby isn't yours...I think). I also sold your boat to finance our new farm, community property right?
P.S. I am out shopping, there are worse things than a dirty floor and no clean clothing. Love you.
Cook up a Surprise
Oh, so you are the sweet type after all? Please disregard the following paragraph, ahem. Nothing says love like a nice surprise when your man gets home. What man wouldn't want a hot dinner cooked by his wife (who's wearing nothing but an apron) after a week of cold beans and men in camo? Just one tip though, it's probably a good idea to hose him down before he enters the house. There's nothing like the smell of sweat, dirt, and doe urine to really spice up your love life.
So the next time you think about pouting and whining because it's September and you don't think your man loves you anymore think of all the fun things you'll get to do when he's not at home, and how much fun you'll have welcoming him back home. Stay tuned for more advice for the hunter's wife, including what to do with those taxidermy mounts and how to love game meat.