E Vs N. the Distinction Between the Empath and the Narcissist
Which category do you fall into?
This article will be the first i have written about my abusive relationship. Now, there are 2 sides to every story. I know that the word narcissist is widely used nowadays, and that alot of people believe it is in fact overused. I assure you however, i was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and i intend to tell my story and offer advice through this hubpages account. After all, the best healing comes through helping others avoid the same fate. If i cant stop someone from making the same mistakes I did, at least i can let them know they are not alone.
If you have found yourself in a relationship with a narcissist, i want you to know something. You are not crazy. You are not overreacting. You are not over sensitive. You actually do remember the conversations you've had accurately. Your feelings are not wrong, and they do matter. Everything you suspect is probably true. Every time you second guess yourself, the narcissist has won a mini battle you didn't even know you were in. I myself am an Empath. And before you get all "oh my god, shes one of those weirdos" know this.... empaths are normal everyday people. The only difference between me and someone who is not an empath is that i feel other peoples emotions as if they were my own. So for example, if you come home from work irritated and angry, i begin to feel irritated and angry. Those feelings belong to you, not to me. However, the empath gets hijacked by other peoples emotions. If i am in a room with someone who is depressed or extremely sad....if i am in a room with someone who is super anxious.....you get the point. That being said, empaths and narcissist are the WORST combination of types of people IMAGINABLE. Its literally the complete opposite of one another. Its honestly a cruel match for anyone but especially cruel for the empath. Also, if you have ever been with a narcissist or are with one now, i am sorry. Oh....also you should get the h e double toothpicks out of there haha, but i know you wont until you are ready. i didn't.
Okay. So, what is a narcissist? Its kind of one of those things that you either know because you've looked it up or your know because you know some of the traits. But i'm gonna go ahead and give you the main 12 traits of a narcissist.
*An exaggerated sense of self importance. (so like....constantly telling you how much they are liked by their boss and how they are basically a manager and everyone comes to them for everything and blah blah blah)
*They have this sense of entitlement and need constant excessive admiration. (okay so mine needed to be told all of the time how great he was for everything he did. it reminds you of a child holding up a drawing and wanting to be told how good it was and have you hang it on the fridge.)
*They expect to be recognized as superior even if they didn't do anything to be seen as such. (yea......so mine was ALWAYS looking down on other people and acting like he was better than everyone. Not to their face of course but at home....oh yea.)
*Exaggerate achievements and talents. (this was a huge one in my house at the time. dude LOVED to come home and regale me with crap that didn't even happen in the grossest boastful manner. he would also make up arguments he would have had during the day and brag about how he put someone in their place. Never happened)
*They believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people. (now this one is tricky, because in my experience, if he wanted to associate with someone, he inflated how special the person was. if he no longer wanted to associate, the person was then deemed as scum)
*They monopolize conversations and belittle and look down on people they perceive as inferior. (take for instance my sons father who admittedly had his own problems...every word out of my N's mouth when it pertained to my sons father was how disgusting he was)
*Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations. (This was a problem for me and he never usually got his way on this but he indeed did it with his family. Im a little too strong willed)
*They take advantage of others to get what they want. (and BOY did he. still does. He endlessly has manipulated and downright demanded thins of people and expected nothing less than his absolute request. When people argued or tried to fall short of his demands he was graceless.)
*Have an inability to recognize the needs and feelings of others. (If you are an empath especially, this is the most confounding and confusing thing you can go through. We spent our entire lives 24-7 unable to not walk in others shoes. So looking at a person dead in the face and asking them why they don't care that you are crying and to see no genuine emotion is almost debilitating in a sense. you can pull your emotional hamstring trying to see something human in the Narcissist.)
*Be envious of others and believe others are envious of them. (He literally thought so many people wanted to be him and that other people were constantly copying his looks and mannerisms. However....more often than not i would catch him doing that exact thing to people i could tell e thought were "cool.")
*Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner. Coming across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. (good lord in heaven dude....this man was arrogant as could be. When i would respond in a witty was in an argument, his response was usually "thats cute" which drove me up a wall. he legit thought he was the superior person and that no one could out argue or outwit him.)
*Insist on having the best of everything- for example, the best game system or the best car. (my dude made sure every time we got new phones his was better than mine. I do believe having the "best of everything" in his case was to have better than those immediately around them and not necessarily the best available.)
Traits of an Empath
Now this is important to me, that I list these traits. You don't have to be an Empath per-say to BE empathetic. But I am an Empath and as i am writing these hubs from my perspective, I think its important to convey from the point of the origin. In other words, my own point of view is all i have to go on. So I'm going to list some traits of an Empath. Hey, you might be one and not even know it haha. So bear with me if you aren't.
*Sometimes to forgiving
*Discovers lies and deceptions astonishingly quick. (very infuriating as the narcissist is a huge liar)
*Very introverted in many cases
*Connects with others too quickly
*Inquisitive in nature
*Willingness to accept full responsibility
*Ability to absorb other's feelings and emotions
*Difficulty to relax when others are around
*Tendency to spend much time alone (because the N needs attention constantly, this sometimes results in the N cheating in some way shape or form)
*Often obsessed with order and cleanliness
*Often misused and become a dumping ground for others emotional baggage.
*suffers from fatigue
*Strongly connected to animals
*Difficulty saying "no"
*Problems with digestion (yea this one is weird and hard to understand but emotional people usually carry a lot of emotion in their stomach area.
I mean, there are so many more traits that i could list here, but you get the point. An Empath is seriously the antithesis of the Narcissist. Empaths are prayed upon by emotionally weak people. The Narcissist is one of the most emotionally weak personalities you can find. It is important to distinguish the differences in these 2 personalities to better understand how the N can so severely impact the E in my opinion.
So as you can see by the very opposite emotional states of an Empath and a Narcissist, it is extremely easy for the Empath to be manipulated by the Narcissist. This hub was mostly about distinguishing the two very different personalities. In doing so, its easy to understand how destructive this type of relationship always becomes for the Empath. Now, i've seen a lot of literature and media out there about "how to be in a relationship with a Narcissist" and "How to beat the Narcissist at their own game," Even "How to punish the Narcissist." (I actually tried that last one....disappointing dosn't even come close to how that feels) And i gotta say....i don't understand. I 100% looked up those types of "help" when i was in the thick of it, but you have to understand, even just living in the same home with an N is so consuming that the only thing to be done to bring peace is to get away from them. Which as in any abuse situation, is harder for some than others.
For now my friends, stay genuine.