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The Penis Indictment

Updated on October 5, 2017

The dictionary describes man as “A bipedal primate mammal (Homo sapiens) that is anatomically related to the great apes but distinguished especially by notable development of the brain with a resultant capacity for articulate speech and abstract reasoning.”

I think most woman would agree with Mr. Webster’s description but it may be giving man a little too much credit. Of course Webster was a man himself so he may be a tad biased. Noah Webster was born way back in 1758 when men were men as they say. But by the look of him he couldn’t be further from an ape if he were wearing a dress. I’m sure there were then and are now female apes so I shouldn’t cast aspersions. Old Noah had 8 children so there was some need for a penis in the Webster household.

Many years ago around the same time Noah Webster was born, Moroccan boys would have their male organ removed just to gain access to the Sultan’s palace. These boys were called Eunuchs and the ruler, who ever the ruler was at the time, would be obliged to let these castrated young boys tend to his wife or harem (depending on the Sultan’s tolerance for constant nagging) for the obvious reason that these Eunuch boys didn’t have genitals.

Over the years it’s been proven that men without penises live 14 to 19 years longer then your average full functioning he-man. Of course the extra years gained from the castration procedure I hear is hardly worth the additional time on earth. Some of the side effects these men go through are severe depression, loss of physical strength and my personal favorite, loss of libido, which if you think about it is probably a good thing considering there’s not much need for it anymore.

While the penis has been greatly exaggerated over the years with its size and demeanor, mostly by men of course because women always say, [ahem] “size doesn’t matter”. According to a popular men’s magazine the average penis size is 5 and a half inches. This takes into account men of all dimensions, from 5 feet tall to 7 feet tall, 130 pounds to 530 pounds. Of course if you’re 530 pounds you probably can’t see your penis anyway. I hear there are women who like a good hefty man. Chubby chasers I think they’re called. But does that mean that all his body parts are also chubby? No, no, no I’m hearing from those women who are reading this drivel.

The size of the man has very little to do with his penis size. Ron Jeremy, the famous porn star who is all of 5 feet 6 inches tall, is said to have a 10 inch penis. But that’s not the largest. According to The Guinness Book of Records, Jonah Falcon has the largest at 13.5 inches. It is said that shoe size is a good indication of penis size. No, no, no I again hear from the ladies and they are right as usual. Jonah’s shoe size is a mere 10 and a half, so there.

Not to change the subject but something I’ve always noticed when dining out. Women tend to leave the table together to powder their nose. They rarely go to the ladies lavatory alone. This is still a mystery to me. But it’s no mystery why men never powder their nose together. Self -consciousness. Those damn urinals, so close together. And what would be the point of standing at the urinals together? What would we talk about? The price of pork in China? No pun intended (or was there).

Remember the old Seinfeld TV show? “Shrinkage”. Do women know about shrinkage? Do they even want to know about shrinkage? Not really. Couldn’t care less. As Elaine said on the show, “I don't know how you guys walk around with those things”.


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    • profile image

      Rich M. 5 months ago

      I should have realized from the title of this article that 99.44% of the material would be based around THE male organ. One can tell that the writer did his homework and there is a lot to be said about the size of his article!?!?!?

    • profile image

      Ann M. 3 years ago

      I reread the article - I agree it's not the size of a man , nor of his feet , but I always thought a good correlation was the size of a man's NOSE!

      Try doing some research and come up with something!

    • Leesleez profile image

      Leesleez 3 years ago from New York

      Thanks Loren, and yes Ann there should be more to it but "Shrinkage".

    • profile image

      Ann M. 3 years ago

      I'm looking for the rest of the story! There should be more to it !

    • loren866 profile image

      loren866 3 years ago

      Lee, great story and very funny from the beginning to the end. I definitely remember the Seinfeld episode story of "Shrinkage".