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The Silver Lining To Breaking Up

Updated on March 13, 2013

Destination: Heartbreak City

However you may suffer from heartbreak, it will not kill you. Wait til you see how it changes you-- for the better!
However you may suffer from heartbreak, it will not kill you. Wait til you see how it changes you-- for the better!
Your heart may be broken, but not your spirit.
Your heart may be broken, but not your spirit.
Sandra Bullock sure shined after winning her Oscar, being betrayed, only to bounce back by becoming a mom.
Sandra Bullock sure shined after winning her Oscar, being betrayed, only to bounce back by becoming a mom. | Source

What is the best thing to come from a breakup? A new you!

If you haven't experienced at least ONE heartbreak in your life, where have you been? Are you still in grade school or have you been living under a rock?

It's okay to grieve. We all go through it some time.

As I researched my latest writing assignment about breakups, I was brought back to that unfriendly place I've already visited. Destination Heartbreak City is never a happy excursion. But truth be told, we grow from the experience. If we are more mature, we even learn to do better in our future relationships.

We all get a little crazy.

It was refreshing (although empathetic) to read Greg Behrendt recall his stupidity during his breakup in It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken. Basically, when I read how he slept in the same bed with the woman he was already broken up with, it made me feel... better. Is that horrible? Cause I think in my heart of hearts he meant for me to feel better. After all, I thought having sleepless nights for months, losing 15 pounds (and I wasn't fat to begin with), cyber-stalking (just a bit at the beginning) and obsessively learning everything about passive aggressive behavior, midlife crisis, narcissistic personality disorder and divorce laws in my state was a bit crazy.... thank you, Greg, for keeping me grounded.

There is a silver lining to every gray cloud during the storm.

Greg found his salvation in making a life for himself that didn't involve love addiction (either he was love-struck, or grieving from heartbreak.... who can't relate to that?). He turned his experience into a comedy act that he performed. In turn, this became his passion and his venting lead to positive changes in his life. He wrote He's Just Not That Into You-- which became a bestseller. I'm not sure if she came before or after the success of his first book, but he met the woman who became his wife and co-author of his book, It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken.

I did, too.

As I traveled back in my time machine to the days of my grieving, I remember the day to day victories I celebrated. They started out with: "I made dinner for my kids." Whoo hoo-- although I looked like a skeleton, at least my kids had nourishment. It became, "I got my first writing assignment: 'How To Cook a Turkey'"... note: I had never in my life cooked a turkey, but goodness knows that my journalism college courses kicked in and I researched that puppy to a "T." I even followed my own tips and cooked the best turkey I'd ever baked the Thanksgiving following my first writing gig. By the way, my clients praises brought tears to my eyes-- in a good way!

Never underestimate the power of a fresh slate.

Heartbreak hurts no matter what, but there's always a silver lining to the gray clouds in your storm. Greg Behrendt's were his comical links to stardom and becoming a writer. (I bet his ex is still kicking herself). Mine was researching the dark side of personality disorders and becoming a self-taught relationship expert. I did study it in college but nothing compares to life experience. Plus, I never liked reading until I had a thirst for knowledge about people, relationships and improving the quality of your life. Chalk that up as another plus in your recovery: learning things about yourself you never knew, AND doing things you hated... all for the sake of self-improvement.


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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks, love! And yes, regain your power.

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      lovedoctor926 4 years ago

      You should be the one deciding if the guy is good enough for you. You're a smart woman. Your hubs are great!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks again, and point well taken. I agree: if someone doesn't add meaning and benefit to your life, then what's the point? No, I'm not desperate for love and affection so I won't settle. Having my heart broken and being ignored emotionally was bad enough. I know what I deserve from now on. It should be wonderful, through and through.

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      BpJ 4 years ago

      Sorry, but this person commenting is tedious in their efforts to bed you, whether figuratively or literally, it runs too ponderously. I find that the more I read your articles Wonderful1, the more I agree with your perspective. Why settle for bubble gummy dudes or boy toys along the way. Why not find what my parents definitely had, even with 15 years between them they had 45 years of mostly a happy loving marriage. That's not to say everything was always easy; life isn't like that for the majority of us. It is how you manage your life and the lives of those you are responsible for, through the difficult times that matters. Everyone handles easy times/events just fine, for the most part. So, don't settle; find the one you want.

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      I'm 100 miles away. Never met you in person. I'm guessing, based on your limited stories on the internet. All I have to go on is your version, not the men whom you dated. At best, it's just an educated guess, is all.

      Regardless, aloof is always a good way to go, unless you know for sure that the man is madly in love with you.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      I don't have time to respond to all the points, but as I've mentioned before: I have no problem with men my age, especially the flaws of aging-- I'm realistic with that myself.

      But you make good points. The neediness is a thing of my past-- I needed my ex's company, not his compliments, though. And for the most part, I don't pursue men-- I am laid back when I date. You have the right idea, but you're off on the analysis. Thanks for leaving that long comment, John.

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      Look, here’s your answer. It’s harsh, like a slap in the face, but it’s reality, and reality is sometimes harsh.

      You don’t really want love or have any to exchange.

      If a man that is your own age came looking for love, you would laugh at him, not love him. He’s not hot. Even if you did go out on dates, you could barely conceal your revulsion of him. He’s not hot, and you would have no attraction at all for him.

      The older man would have to be completely desperate to stick around, because you would look at him with disgust, not desire. He’s old, and you want a hot 20-something guy, not a man who is your own age.

      How do I know this? Well, all you ever mention is hot 20-something guys. That’s how.

      Next, you are deluding yourself into thinking that just because you are still thin, that hot 20-something guys will want a relationship with you. They won’t. I have the same exact problem myself. No 20-something hot girl dreams about a man twice her age. The same way that no 20-something guy dreams about a woman who is twice his age.

      You could manipulate your way into a relationship with a hot 20-something guy, but that would take psychological skills that you do not have. You can’t be honest and say that you want love and a relationship, because any hot 20-something guys will not be interested, because of your age.

      That is why the guys are just coming for easy sex, and then leaving.

      But the age of the man is not the problem at all.

      What is it that you want from a 20-something hot guy?

      It’s not a relationship that you really want. That is crystal clear. If you just wanted a relationship, as you claim, then an older man would be perfect for you. He is loving. Kind. He has previous family experience. And, he is lonely too, so he would know exactly how you feel. You could make a great relationship with him.

      But, as I said, you would blow off a man your own age in a microsecond, because he’s not hot.

      So, what is it that you really need from these young men?

      Reassurance, is the answer. You want the reassurance that you never got in childhood. Probably from your father. That’s what is driving your behavior. You believe that you want love and a secure relationship. But, that’s not what you want. You want the reassurance that you never received as a child.

      And, you want that reassurance from young, attractive men. That’s why you use a pic of your body in a bustier. Everything that you say and do tells the world that you want compliments about your hot body. You want hot young guys to notice you, and admire you.

      For some reason, this is what you never received as a child. And, now, this need is predominant in your mind.

      I’d venture to guess that this overwhelming need is what ruined your marriage. Your man was not smart, and he did not understand you and what your needs are. He simply got sick and tired of your nagging insecurities about your self-image. If you had been with me, I would have recognized this in days, and I would have said and done the things that you needed to hear. I don’t blame you for being this way. You didn’t ask to have the father who was distant or absent. So, I would try to help you, and build the self-assurance and security that you never got as a child.

      But, you are not with me. You were with a husband who probably looked at you as a nuisance, and he got sick and tired of your insecurities. All that he had to do is give you the security that you lacked as a child, and things would have worked fine. But, no, he was too stupid to see that.

      The young guys that you meet now are no better. They look at you and see that you appear to be a desperate older woman who wants reassurance. And, the first thing that they want to do is exploit you for sex. That’s all they wanted. You go on time and time again how they don’t call and don’t ever come back. Clearly, they only wanted sex and you were so desperate and emotionally needy that you gave it to them, hoping to get a tiny bit of reassurance in return.

      The truth is, those young men simply looked at you as some desperate older woman, to be taken advantage of, is all. They dream of Kate Upton, not some 40-something single mother. They used you for sex, because it was easy and they couldn’t get anyone better at the moment.

      Even if you had a man who loved you, and wanted to make a relationship, you would screw it up the same way as you did your marriage. You would go back to this needy, desperate act again, and the man would react the same way that your husband did. Only one man in 1,000 will have the brains to see that you are just a needy little insecure lady, who needs the reassurance that she did not get as a child.

      I don’t think there is all that much wrong with you at all. I like you as a person. And, I would try to give you that reassurance that you so desperately need. Like I said, it was not your fault that you did not get this growing up.

      But, I am not there, with you. I am here, 100 miles away and I have a girlfriend of my own. Besides, you would take one look at me and blow me off, because I am not 20-something anymore.

      So, there’s your problem. You won’t accept older men, who have love to offer. You can’t get younger men for anything more than one-time sex. And, regardless of who you are with, you are driven by these needs for acceptance and reassurance that you are desirable. They become obsessive and they will upset most of the men that you meet. Unfortunately, you can’t control these needs any more than you can control your need for air to breathe.

      So, there’s your situation. You have to learn how to manipulate hot young guys into wanting you. That’s darn hard to do.

      Otherwise, you will have to accept an older man. You won’t be able to conceal your disgust for him, so that relationship will end in 3 months, tops.

      Plus, you still have these insecurity needs going on, and whoever you end up with will need to be able to handle them, and accept that this is who you are.

      That’s your situation there. At least now, after you read this, you will realize that you drive most men away with this neediness and desperation. Oh, you call it love, because you don’t really understand what it is that you want. But, it’s not love at all. What you really want is the emotional needs that you never received as a child. Like I said, a smart and decent man would help you, by giving you the reassurance that you so desperately need and want.

      But, most men are not smart or kind. So, they will just look at you as an insecure nuisance, and they will get sick and tired of your neediness in 30 days. So, you need to watch your behavior carefully and bite your tongue. Remember, it comes across as desperate and needy. It’s not love that you want. That’s how you justify your behavior, by claiming that it is just love that you want. You fool yourself into thinking that what you do is normal behavior. But, it’s not. It’s neediness, from childhood, and it turns men off.

      That’s why the 20-something guys all left, I imagine. Needy and desperate and clingy, is what you did. They reject that sort of overwhelming woman. Why do you think I told you to be aloof?

      I, on the other hand seek out that behavior. My girlfriend is needy and desperate and clingy, and I selected her for that very reason. Each and every time, I make sure to give her the feelings of safety and the reassurance that she needs. I take care of her and that means making her feel good about herself.

      Anyway, that’s your situation. And that why you’re having these issues there. If you are determined to get a hot, 20-something guy, then you will need to learn how to manipulate him into a relationship, because you don’t look like Kate Upton anymore. You wasted so much time in a dead-end marriage that your young-girl body got left behind.

      If you want a loving older man (meaning a man who is your age) then you will need to learn how to conceal your disgust for his aging body. You will need to make him feel like you desire him. That will not be natural for you, so you will need to put on an act, each and every day. I suggest that you choose a stupid man, because I would see in an instant that you have no desire for me, and I would lea

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      I'm not sure if you were trying to be helpful in that last comment, John, but it sort of left me empty. It's true that I could increase my success rate if I got out there more and interacted with more men, but it's just not a high priority now. And baggage from childhood? Who doesn't have some of that residue affecting their lives somehow. It's hard to undo conditioning reaching that far back-- as a matter of fact, it's impossible to change a personality. What I can do as an adult is to recognize my own flawed behavior and stop it as soon as I realize it's wrong.

      I guess you don't want to share your opinions with me anymore-- that's okay. I wish you the best and thanks for all the helpful tips so far.

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      I know what’s going on there, with you. Anyone with a little common sense can see why you struggle in relationships. You don’t need to be any rocket scientist to understand.

      I tried to explain it to you before, when I suggested that it goes back to your childhood, and the relationships that you had with your parents.

      The other day, I was debating whether to explain what I think here, but then I decided not to. I’m not comfortable posting intimate details of someone else’s life on a public forum, where anyone can come and read it.

      That’s why I tried to talk to you through personal email messages. But, you were not interested. You made it clear that you don’t add people. So, what does that mean, when someone says they would rather not talk to you? It means leave them alone and let them figure out their own problems, I guess?

      As a kid, I was a player. And, the first rule that all players learn is to ignore the women who don’t show any interest in you.

      The only reason that I even posted the things here that I did was because my internet work is all hard javascript codes, and it’s more fun to talk with people, rather than to focus on hard things all day long. But, I have eliminated all the distractions now, and I’m hard at work, because I have an agenda to complete.

      Besides, you’re a smart woman, and you’ll eventually figure out what is wrong, and correct your own problem, I guess!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      John, you missed the point: this was during the time of my separation/pending divorce. I am nothing like that anymore-- thank goodness (actually, I'd like to lose about 5 pounds of the weight I put back already). I'm not "dieting," just feel sort of like I'm on a stranded island by myself. Oh, and I'm starting to understand what you've already taught me: the younger man who flirts with me at my work-- it's all just flirting. I had an epiphany today when I overheard him talking about women he's dated. If he wanted to ask me out, he would have done so by now. The vibe is mutual, he's just obviously not into older women. Meh, all the more reason I'm dying to get out of here.

      I need a MAN, not boys. Someone who isn't moving in on me to get a piece of tail, but wants to know more about the wise and experienced woman behind the well-kept 40 year old. I don't like to kiss and tell but I will say this on the record: men under 30 generally suck as lovers, meaning, they don't know what the heck to do with a woman. They've obviously learned more by watching porn than from experiencing real moments in the company of a woman (one who knows what the heck good sex is, I might add). No more 20-somethings-- not even for a hormonal booty call. I've gone without longer than I have since my divorce, but shoot, I won't settle for crappy sex, either (even with a hot guy).

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      Not John Smith 4 years ago

      OK, now you’re scaring me here!

      “I thought having sleepless nights for months, losing 15 pounds, cyber-stalking and obsessively learning everything about passive aggressive behavior, midlife crisis, narcissistic personality disorder and divorce laws in my state was a bit crazy.” you said.

      Uh, excuse me, but that IS crazy!

      Just find a freakin' man, will ya? It’s NOT that hard. OK, do this. Start with an easy conquest, that’s as close to a sure thing as you can get.

      I do this myself, sometimes. I got no money for food or drinks. I have worn shoes, and no money for them either. So, what do I do, you ask? That’s easy! I pick a desperate girl, who will not care about any of that. See her over there in the corner? Look how self-conscious she is! She will gladly pay for everything, just to have some company like me.

      That’s what YOU need to do! Start with an easy seduction and build up your confidence! Pick a lonely, no-game sort of man, and walk over and let him realize that he’s going to get lucky. Then, in bed, you can cuddle up together and he will lavish you with more praise and compassion that you can imagine, because you are easily the best thing that he has ever seen.

      Then, once you have this guy coming back on a regular basis, you begin to move up, and see more attractive men. Meanwhile, you find a loser woman, to pawn off the no-game man on, so he doesn’t wander back to his lonely life of emptiness. The loser girl wins in that one too.

      Next, you begin to establish a number of men, who all take you out on regular dates. It would be good if you get them to compete against one another, for your affection.

      Meanwhile, you are getting more hot sex and attention that you deserve! Be absolutely SURE to tell the men what your sexual needs are, and what you expect from them, as far as licks go, on your little hot-spot.

      Seriously, you need to find someone who will pull you close in bed and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, as you drift off to sleep. So, forget this man-diet thing, and get out there, and grab the first easy thing that you can find, and make him stay the night.

      You’re scaring me here, with this losing-15-pounds, crazy obsession talk, Sheila!

      If nothing else, book a spa day, and be sure to check the pics before and get yourself a HOT young guy to give you a full-body massage, complete with oil and those stupid hot stones that they put on you. Seriously, do SOMETHING to get some human touch before you get so depressed that you drive off a cliff into the surf!