The Strange Force of Vulnerability
No Games, No Masks, No Fuss
Some time ago, I was in Cuba. I arrived on a Saturday, and since I didn't know a soul, I went for a stroll in the evening and ended up in a resto-bar where I approached a delightful woman.
We got along so well that after a few hours we felt we had known each other for ages. She entrusted me with a big secret that not even her best friends knew.
But why? Why does she trust me so much after a few hours, and why did we both feel we have known each other for ages?
Because we made ourselves vulnerable.
I was open and honest, told her about my fears, doubts and insecurities. I didn't hold anything back, I didn't hide anything, and I risked everything. I took off the mask, and she did too.
Being vulnerable means admitting to yourself and others that you are not perfect, and I don't suggest the superficial fears and doubts that you can tell others without blinking.
I don't have all the solutions, I'm not always stable nor confident, I have weaknesses, and sometimes I feel lost, and I don't know what to do. That's human; I am human.
Every time I want to approach a woman, I confess; I'm nervous.
But I ignore that because it's not a vulnerability. Vulnerability is when you reveal the things that you can barely admit to yourself.
Sounds intimidating, and it probably is, but it's also liberating and the key to self-acceptance and deep and meaningful relationships, no matter what kind.
The problem with vulnerability is that we like the unvarnished truth and openness of others, but at the same time, we are afraid to reveal our truths.
We believe our fears and problems are unique and they are, however, we all share similar fears, doubts and concerns whether we are a guy or girl, young or old, rich or poor, attractive or not so pleasant in appearance.
We forget that too often and are afraid that once our contact knows our mysterious sides and weaknesses will bail.
In most cases, however, the opposite transpires.
If we confer ourselves vulnerable and open, our contact might too. That creates trust, closeness and emotional connection.
It's the weaknesses, fears and doubts of the other with which we can identify, not strengths, resume or the type of undies.
I had the most intimate dates, the most intense sex, the best moments and the most incredible friendships with women when I showed myself vulnerable.
When we present ourselves vulnerable, we will no longer try to keep something from the other. We are no longer trying to convey a specific picture of us; we no longer try to impress others.
We show ourselves vulnerable, we take off our mask because we don't have to hide anything anymore. That also reduces many of our fears and feelings of inferiority in dealing with others.
Many men have problems addressing women. They lack vulnerability. If you admit that you are nervous, that you are afraid, that you may make a fool of yourself, and that you have no command over how the woman will react, you can overcome your anxiety.
On the other hand, however, if you want to be fearless, the cool-shit, the fear only gets stronger.
Many women have problems letting go during sex. They also lack vulnerability. When you admit that you don't look perfect, that you give up control and that the man can judge you, you will be calmer and more relaxed.
Calm and relaxed people enjoy sex more and have easier orgasms; unfortunately, there is no scientific evidence for that, so you have to trust my ludicrous statement.
I remember a woman who wanted a particular style of sex, but she was ashamed to communicate her desire. When I asked her, she was unhappy. After a while, she told me that she felt embarrassed that I now know her sexual preferences.
Strength In Vulnerability
Vulnerability makes us strong and confident because it takes away the fear of our dark side. When we stand by our weaknesses and fears, we are less afraid of being judged by others.
When I make myself vulnerable, I open myself emotionally, get to know the dark side, I'm honest with myself and don't make my self-image dependent on others. I show my inner self, and if others don't like it, I can live with that.
I make myself vulnerable by writing this article.
I show what is going on in me, and everyone can publicly criticize me and my article. Of course, I wish that you like the article. But if you don't, that's all right too. I don't have to prove to you or anyone anything.
I recently talked to a young man who has not had sex with his current girlfriend because he is very unsettled. He has little sexual experience, and his girlfriend was with an experienced man before.
Hence, he's intimidated and afraid of not being able to perform as well as the other guy. Again, vulnerability is the key.
Why not admit your insecurity and talk openly about it? That would reduce the pressure to perform and increase intimacy and familiarity by 95 points. Why 95 points? No idea, I couldn't invent anything better.
The Fear Disappears
I believe vulnerability is one of the essential qualities in dating as well as in love. Ultimately, the vulnerability affects all types of human relationships - including those with ourselves.
For example, I have approached many women. Most of the time, I admitted at the beginning that I was nervous. After that, the nervousness was gone.
However, the step towards more vulnerability is difficult for us.
Especially for men, because being weak is perhaps the greatest fear of a man. Women feel the same way now. The modern woman wants to work independently, autonomously and with determination. Showing herself vulnerable doesn't match the self-image.
Women often complain that men don't open up emotionally. But now many women have problems with that. The vulnerability affects both men and women, but particularly the relationship between them.
Only when we take the step to honestly and openly admit our weaknesses will we remove our mask. Only then does true intimacy, closeness and familiarity occur.
If a woman tells me all evening how independent she is, what she has achieved and how perfect her life is, we might end up in bed at the end of the evening. But I won't have the feeling of knowing that person, the feeling of being close and connected.
It will be no different for her. Maybe she'll go to bed with me because I'm fascinating, because we have fun, or because she wants to. But if I don't make myself vulnerable, there will hardly be an emotional bond.
But don't misunderstand vulnerability. Howling in the ears of others and throwing your problems at them is not a vulnerability.
Continually complaining that your life is not as you want it and a lot in your life is crap, that's not vulnerability. It's victimizing yourself.
But there is a difference between being a victim and being vulnerable.
The victim lies, nags, wants pity and has no intention of changing anything. A person who makes himself vulnerable is aware of his weaknesses, accepts them and takes responsibility for them.
The harder it is for you to show yourself vulnerable, the greater your insecurity and fear of being judged by others. But the moment you present yourself vulnerable, that fear disappears.
When will you start showing yourself vulnerable?
- How To Be More Vulnerable | HuffPost
A fear of rejection keeps our guards up. But without vulnerability, we miss out on the good stuff: intimacy and connection.
- Vulnerability | The Key to Close Relationships
Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It’s brave. It’s tender. It’s impossible to connect without it. But we’ve turned it into a weakness.
This content is accurate and true to the best of the author’s knowledge and is not meant to substitute for formal and individualized advice from a qualified professional.
© 2020 Danyel