The Unreal Internet Romance
The fairy marriage counselor, Bella, was a little burned out, but stopped in one day on her way to the Annual Fairy Convention, where the newest batch of fairy wings were on display. She figured she’d better check up on Marci and Don Quixote. It had been awhile since she’d last seen them and she was curious to see if they were pulling it together or not.
Bella skidded to a stop on a slippery giant rock overlooking a raging river stream where she spotted Don and Marci having another tit-a-tat.
Bella sighed and listened in, unobserved at first, then she materialized to drop a few pearls here and there. This might take some time she figured and maybe the pearls would be better off with others on her list, but hey, these two characters were entertaining if nothing else.
Bella heard Don talking about having been rejected by Marcie, as if he were the only lover in the world to experience rejection, and like it was a novelty to him and a certain particular injustice.
Marcie, on the other hand was trying to tell him why he got rejected because of some things he’d said to her. He’d said so much she had trouble keeping in her head all the things he’d said and forgot he said them.
Hi you guys! Bella radiated her presence forming a golden light ball with a human form inside it, about 6” tall, right on the slippery rock she’d landed on. Can I help?
“I donno Bella, said Marcie, I think it’s too late because Don said it was. Right from the first moments of our meeting in this life, he was saying it was too late.”
Don proceeded to do his usual blustering and cattle call voice impressions by asking when he’d said it was too late for them.
Remember when I first wished you a happy birthday and it was the first time ever in this life we were meeting up, so it was special to me and I got eager to tell you all my secrets as I thought you’d be happy to see me pop up like this. Remember?
Well, yea, I remember that. said Don.
Well, I thought you’d express joy to see me come a’calling. All because of my idiotic dreams where you had this extremely happy look on your face when I was waiting for you backstage after your concert. I thought the music had made you happy, but then I knew you were happy to see me. Maybe even too happy. You looked like your face was stretched with a happy smile. So yea, a stupid dream I guess, although I was there in my other body. It’s made out of astral mind shit.
Bella gently chided Marcie that she shouldn’t call it astral mind shit. Perhaps astral dream debris would be more appropriate. What had really happened she reminded Marcie, was that Marcie had gained a presence in the astral world. She often was in this other body and didn’t remember what this other self was up to out there.
It was the reason for her anger now, that there was two of her, and two of Don, and she couldn’t make contact with both of his bodies of consciousness at the same time.
She had to deal with this rough and clumsy Don, who never listened but always talked, while her other body person got to visit with the other Don, who was more understanding about most stuff. This here Don didn’t even know what he had said most the time and even had to ask Marcie when and where he’d said what and how.
No wonder marriage counselors quit their jobs after a couple of years. You couldn’t blame them really.
Now Bella prodded Marcie to repeat the exact words back to Don so that he’d understand and remember what he had said, and not only that, it would give Marcie a chance to prove that it really wasn’t rejection of Don, she’d intended, but something quite different than rejection. It was a type of rejection but inspired by what Don had said to her.
Ok, what I said exactly, was first of all, just Happy Birthday, and I’d used his real name. That’s all.
Then what happened. I think his secretary told me his age in years, which is quite a few really, and he used an exclamation point. That was all. I thought he was responding personally then, but now I think it was some paid gopher. All this made me feel foolish later.
And what happened next Marcie? Bella asked.
Well, his age didn’t seem that old to me. I guess I have a different viewpoint about aging. I don’t see the physical body as a real thing. It’s a meat suit. I’m a mind over matter person. So I said something like you can be young forever if you want, then I told him I had seen him smile happily in a dream, but I didn’t say he smiled at ME in the dream, so maybe he took the whole thing wrong.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Go on dear, said Bella, while Don just sat there with a perplexed look on his face which was close to a scowl really.
He said, or some hired baboon said back to me in this email, “obviously, this isn’t true.”
How did you feel when you got the email? Bella prodded.
He, or whoever, seemed to be saying that my dream was a big obvious lie. That Don was not happy, when I’d seen this other Don who was really happy to see me, now this Don who I just met in the physical world, he was saying something should be obvious to me, that he was one messed up man. And if he was messed up, all my dreams must be the astral shit trail then. So my dreams used to mean a lot to me, to figure them out was always fun, and they usually came true also. Now it seemed, Don was not happy to see me like I’d planned on. I didn’t have a way to get close to him. It was just a game to him. I thought we could start celebrating happiness right away, to meet up like this for the first time in this life. I thought a lot of things, I wished I hadn’t. I won’t go into what happened next, it should suffice that I didn’t know who the hell I was talking to, so there was no point in communicating after awhile.
Bella asked Don, if he had assumptions Marci would know whom she was talking to on the Internet, if indeed she were not addressed directly, which she was not. Bella continued, if it were indeed himself, but not the Don of her dream world, and instead seemed to Marcie that it quite possibly was true, that what she’d seen and experienced in the astral was all self fabricated? And then she asked Don if he had decided to not speak to her personally from that day forward as his real identity?
Marcie muttered she thought he either hated himself, or didn’t find her trustworthy enough to reveal himself; either way, the relationship was turning to ca ca.
Well, I guess it does look like a sort of game of catch me if you can. Sort of hide and seek. Don said seriously.
Marci muttered, right. Thanks a lot chump.
OK, continued Bella. Let’s hear more from Don’s side of the issues now. Don, What is this that you call rejection of Marcie towards yourself? How did this come about in your mind?
“I asked her...” began Don when Bella once more reminded the two about the Internet and the area of anonymity that goes with the territory, and to consider that while looking at their differences.
“Yes. I asked Marcie if there was a certain Mexican restaurant in her town, where I’d once dined.”
What did she say?
She said she didn’t know about it.
What were you expecting her to say?
That she knew about it and then I expected her to ask me to join her there some time. It was my way of asking for a date.
Did she know who you were for sure at that point Don?
And is she the sort that dates on the Internet?
The answer to that question, is no and no. Said Marcie.
Wait let’s hear from Marcie now. Bella said.
Yes, well, in one email Don said “are you sure you want to do this thing (relationship?) after all, we’re both getting older...”
So Marcie, how did you feel then about that disclosure that perhaps you both were getting too old for a relationship?
Well, my heart plummeted to my feet Bella. It was like a decree or something. I just knew we’d never have a relationship if he thought age was a factor and he was expressing doubt.
What is doubt Marcie?
Doubt is fear expressing. A nagging fear.
And is it creative in it’s potential? Bella asked.
You bet your sweet arse it’s creative. It created in me the same doubt and then Don got the idea that HE was rejected by me. I was really rejecting the idea of age being a factor for the success of relationships. I suppose I feel very young and frisky, and I’m the happy go lucky sort too. Don felt rejected I think because he’s not the happy go lucky sort, he’s not feeling young and light hearted, so I was agreeing with him, that he and I were not a good composite to get together, by my response that I did not know of this restaurant he asked about, and truth is, I really didn’t know about it.It all came about this way because of expressing doubt instead of maybe a positive lead in for myself.
what could have Don said to give you that positive lead in Marcie? Bella asked.
I donno. He could have came right out and told me who he was for one thing. I did ask you know, but I was not only running on assumptions here, I had all these astral trips to figure out.
He might have expressed the same doubt about having relationships at our age as not a good idea in general, and qualified it with a few reasons, for the sake of honesty, or he could have said he liked me, in some way, if he was planning on letting me down, he could have softened the blow in some way. If he’d been thinking of me, that is.
Maybe that’s unrealistic?
Possibly is, Marcie, but no more unrealistic than some other things you’ve done, which turned out well. Bella said, raising her eyebrows a bit.
The thing is, I couldn’t say yea, let’s have dinner sometime, as I don’t know for sure who he was, so I would never lead him to think I’d have dinner with a stranger on the Internet. What if for instance a 500 lb wrestler showed up instead of him? And I’d not lead him on that I’d want to get to know him, as I don’t believe in dating on the Internet, only if I knew who I was speaking to for certain, then maybe that’s different. Then I’d need him to come right out and ask me out. Maybe I’d say yes, maybe I’d say no, or maybe I’d say let’s talk some more.
But he never really asked me out. He just asked about some restaurant in town, then I guess he thought I’d do the rest of the work and ask him to come to town.
These are called lead ins...Bella said.
Yes, I ignore lead ins, unless they are my own lead ins..
So you like to be the dominant one in the relationship Marcie?
No, I like it to be even steven, but I never had that.
Do you think Don likes to be the dominant one in a relationship Marcie? Or maybe I should be asking Don. Don?
I suppose I am the dominant type.
Well you two have something to reflect on I’d say.
Still think she rejected you Don?
No, I suppose she did what she had to do due to the uncertainty who she was talking to. I like a woman to follow me, but I like her to take the cues I throw out, to make it easy for me.
If she doesn’t, I get uptight, like it’s rejection.
You kinda expect to get rejected don’t you Don?
Maybe. Or maybe it’s unconscious fear I carry. But it’s rarely happened actually. Usually, I do the rejecting.
Something else to look at Don. To reflect on, these human patterns of behavior we get so used to doing.
Do you think you guys can work it out someday? I’m speaking to both of you, but I’m actually speaking to every man and woman involved in a relationship on the planet, Bella said, then rolled her eyes skyward like she didn’t expect an immediate answer.
Marcie answered first to say she was looking for a Sunday kind of love, but didn’t expect to get it and she wished she’d never had pipe dreams in the first place, astral body or whatever...she also said she could only be with someone who was into the same exact interests she had. She had had enough of the conflicts engendered from two people in a relationship with entirely different expectations and outlooks on life.
She was also into a paranormal field that was brand new, yet old at the same time. She knew Don claimed to know something about it, but had never displayed any real knowledge of this area, nor added to the information she already had in this area. So her answer was no, to Bella’s question. She hastily added, there was no hard feelings towards Don.
And there was nothing, in that case to work out, nothing much had developed that was real enough to work with and you couldn’t consider that expressions of love meant a future relationship commitment, when really there had never been an expectation of love being returned on Marcie’s part, except for the initial meeting when love had not been returned, but something like a cry for help instead. Unconditional love was accomplished in several holy moments of wishing hard, and it was now, thanks for the memories. Next?
Don didn’t have a whole lot to say, and when he did have more to say, it seemed to Marcie he was preening or posturing, or complaining, or projecting guilt onto some guilty party. He didn’t seem real to Marcie, because she was looking at a different reality, not his at all. Most men were this way, she remembered when she was dating. It was this way, they all tended to strut unnecessarily.
It wasn’t so much a matter of being real or putting her on Bella said, as it was perhaps wishful thinking on his part also. What do you think? She asked Marcie and Don.
Don said he reached for something and let it go at that.
Marcie acknowledged he did reach. She had it all down on record, that it was a stupendous effort on his part. She rather admired his flip flops he made, but on the other hand hated seeing him go to that much trouble over getting her attention when she was clearly looking entirely in a different direction and at a different sort of man, perhaps more gentle, easy going, more empathic, a studious type fellow who considered her his intellectual equal, and did not ask her to walk behind him, but beside him and who smiled a lot and could actually laugh out loud on occasion.
She agreed, that he was a sort of remarkable climber, but more of a good movie to watch then a potential life partner. She might even feel sisterly, rather than like a lover. She knew she didn’t want a man who was a job whereby the role was to see that he was always happy and satisfied in every way, while she herself sublimated her own needs for the sake of his.
If she ever did acquire a partner, she didn’t want to work at it like it was a job you could get paid for on Fridays.
Then it was just a business relationship in that case.
She never did believe in marriage as a business. Seems like everybody was making it that these days.
Marcie wished him happiness, like she had done it seemed forever and ever. The same wish. It was as close to love as possible under the circumstances, when you bless someone with a wish. But you never tie them down with your love. She felt tied down from the very start, but now she knew it was just a decision to take care of number one first. Love would come, or it wouldn’t. But she couldn’t compromise truth for the sake of love. She couldn’t say she desired a man if she really didn’t. She couldn’t lie about her feelings. Her feelings would change as time went on. They always do. But here and now is all we have and the truth must be spoken before it slips away, never to be seen again.
Bella got ready to fly away but wanted to give the two a chance to make a final summation, so they could get on with their respective and different lives.
Sure, agreed Marcie. There was something I was thinking the other day, and I’d said it once to Don, but got no response. I never do get a response it seems to what’s really important to me.
so here it is. It’s real simple. I knew it was a little crazy but I really, really wanted to sing a back up harmony to a tune he’d created.
I love doing harmony. That’s all I ever wanted. That’s what I’ll never get. At least, not from him.
Then Don said said. “oh.” I guess that wasn’t possible unless you belonged to me he said quietly.
But I’m a free spirit. I guess you knew that somewhere deep inside you Don, said Marcie. I don’t know why I thought we could do a good harmony. Doing music together just seemed like a fun thing to do.
I thought I’d throw it out there. It’s not in the cards. Maybe I’ll be satisfied with doing harmonies with others. As long as they don’t get the wrong idea. It’s just a song. Just a song.
Thanks Bella for stopping by. We know you’re a busy fairy! Don and Marcie chorused.
Take care of yourselves now! said Bella as a trail of fairy dust twinkled off into the night skies, for once the raging river was gurgling happily and quietly almost.