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The men women should never date or: “Guy Types” to avoid unless you are a masochist.

Updated on June 29, 2011

At the beginning of every relationship there is a definite sense of anticipation mixed with uncertainty. How will I know if he really likes me? Can we find enough common interests to carry on an engaging conversation? Will he ask me out again? Yet, the one main question most women never allow into their brains is: “What TYPE of guy did I actually agree to go out with?” Another, that I would ask would be, “Are you a convicted felon?” But, hey, that’s just me! Safety first, gals.

Here are a few that I have run into…some, I briefly dated, one I married, two I know through mutual acquaintances and the rest are those that reside in my worst nightmares! Since I value confidentiality you will just have to guess which ones belong in what category.

First impressions are everything
First impressions are everything

We will start with Mama’s Boy:

He picked you because you are either one of two things to him:

1. The exact, polar opposite of his mother and, you are now known as, “The Target” in all future arguments with her because no one will ever be good enough for her little man, especially some she-devil-hussy! You were brought in to take the heat off of him and isn’t that special?

2. The exact replica, right down to the starched apron, tight bun and lips pursed in irritation and...he gets off on being scolded!

The last reason indicates a co-dependent/passive-aggressive issue that needs an immediate psychological intervention so unless you are into the Freudian thing, stay away from the mother-lovers.

But Mother always cuts up my food!
But Mother always cuts up my food!

Mr. NEXT! (Otherwise known as- the rebound guy):

You just broke up with the love of your life, now what do you do? Well, hell, you grin, through your tears, at that cute guy down at the end of the bar and hope he slides over to ask, “What’s wrong?” No one wants to honestly deal with their feelings let alone take them out for dinner and a movie so why wouldn’t hooking up with a new guy immediately after a break-up seem logical? The same goes for men in this one. Mr. or Ms. Next will never compare to the mind-edited version of your ex so just let them walk on by and take time to heal or shop, whichever does the trick.

Vanishing Man:

This gem starts off pretty normal at first, you see one another a lot, almost too much but then an insidious thing creeps in; the EXCUSE. “Work has been super busy lately so I’m going to have to cancel on our dinner plans,” or, “I promised a friend I would help them move.” The “friend” is either another woman or, quite frankly, Houdini just wants to do his disappearing act because he has discovered that he just isn’t that into your “magic box” or has no interest in investing time in having a real relationship with you now that the initial fun of winning you over has faded. The dead giveaway is almost always inconsistent contact – at first, he calls every day but then? Poof…he’s gone.

Man-Whore:

This guy can sell you on anything because he has his sales pitch down and probably already knows what positions he can get you in before he even asks you out! He has you pegged and can smell a lonely, hurt and vulnerable woman a mile away just like a wolf can smell the blood of his injured prey. The lines are memorized, he can’t seem to remember your name but his dazzling, super white teeth have you transfixed so you don’t even notice. He is not looking for a soul-mate; he is merely looking for another bed-warmer so buy some cozy pajamas instead honey because this one may come with a side order of STD’s.

 

Hello? I'm your date...remember?
Hello? I'm your date...remember?

Mr. Ass-Hat (or Rude Jerk for the more delicate):

Some men think they can say or do whatever in the hell they want around women from crude, sexist jokes to asking what your “stats” are as far as the number of exes you have had and then saying loudly, after you refuse to answer, “So, my odds of getting in on that action look pretty good huh?” Asking out the waitress as a “back-up plan” while you are in the bathroom is also just plain despicable and if this tool walks through a door first, nearly letting it slam shut on you rather than opening the door for you then let that be your sign to move on. Once an Ass-Hat, always an Ass-Hat.

The “Hands On” (everything) Guy:

He justifies being like a multi-armed Hindu deity by claiming to be “affectionate” yet his hand, creeping up your thigh, while he bombards you with sexual innuendos says otherwise. You have only known one another a week so the, “I am just so attracted to you and I can’t help myself,” excuse rings pretty hallow plus, it borders on sexual assault. This should also tell you that any man that refuses to give you the proper respect early on certainly won’t be giving it to you gift-wrapped with a pretty bow later on either. What you see is what you get with this dud and, there is nothing else under the surface!



Seriously?
Seriously?


High School Crush Dude:

So, just because he found you on Classmates.com or Facebook or MySpace and sent you the obligatory, “Hey, remember me?” salutation doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go out with him. Many years have been swept under that proverbial bridge and sometimes the passage of time has not always been kind to physical appearance, financial health or mental stability. The way you remembered him in high school is a far distant shadow, one you probably had good reason to forget and who he is now may just be a bitter, three times divorced wretch of a man looking for an easy score to boost his ego right before he starts looking for a 21-year old blond to become wife #4. Hit: DENY FRIEND REQUEST!

Mr. Gimme One More Try:

This one is simple. He didn’t want you the first time around but now he has had a change of heart. Do you say yes to dating him again even after he tossed you on the discard pile once before? If you do then you deserve to take the walk of shame that is most definitely coming when he says once again, “No, I think I had it right the first time but I just wanted to be sure.” Son of a bi#@h!!!!

Why did I like him again?
Why did I like him again?

Long nights and a fear of being single forever can make dating any one of these Guy-Types appear mighty attractive. I've been guilty of it myself and each time I recognized what was happening, I stood back and fervently wished I could punch myself in the head numerous times as a just punishment for being so gullible. What is the lesson here? Learn the signs, keep a cheat sheet on you at all times if necessary and remember, for all the Guy-Types out there, odds are that they will run into their Girl-Types counterparts eventually.

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