- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
The mind is moving on; the heart, instead, is draaaaaaaaaagging.
In getting over a broken heart, I think the most frustrating part is that constant up and down of emotions that keeps us literally going from being ecstatically blissful one moment to feeling entirely despondent an hour later (sometimes rather sooner than that, unfortunately) . Me personally, I would like to feel one way or the other one day at a time because this rollercoaster of changing emotions gives me the impression that, not only am I brokenhearted over a man I so dearly treasure in my heart and who couldn’t give less of a crap about me, but I am also plain psycho. I mean, if we leave out alcohol and drugs, who in the world goes from feeling on top of the world one moment to feeling dejected and at the bottom of your lover’s shoe, like a dried out, old chewing gum some kid spit in the middle of the sidewalk? Uhmmmm…I believe that’s called manic disorder ma’m, and the sudden propensity to expansive mood swings may concur to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, eventually.
Well, jokes aside, I don’t like it. Actually, I plainly detest it. But, this steady and simultaneously erratic fluctuation of positive and negative thoughts seems to have a psychological root, apart from an obvious hormonal one, ladies, that unite both women and men on the same boat. Apparently, as the reasoning mind has the capability to move on, the heart, on the other hand, keeps on dragging the emotions still connected to the memory of our beloved ex, making this journey to psychological salvation a rather rocky and wobbly one. In this process we got good news and bad news. Good news: we are actually not insane as we thought, and have yet to lose our mind completely. Bad news (and brace yourself ladies): we have a long way to go, arguing between mind and soul, heart and brain, logic and illogic, before we will be able to get out of this foolish mess. Well, for once, we can maybe find stability in our declared and accepted instability, kinda like saying: hey, cut me some slacks! The shrink said it’s ok to exult about my ex’s abandonment one moment and be absolutely heart wrenched the moment after, I don’t need medication!
But the reality of things is that, despite my ceaseless sarcastic tone, this is a moment of life in which we truly need to stop, take a good look at ourselves, and carefully analyze and realize what’s best for us in the long run. Sure, we all want $2500 Manolo Blahnik stilettos at the cost of sacrificing two months of rent and a long list of much needed repairs to take care of, but: is that a wise choice? In the same way, sure I want a man who works six days out of seven, fourteen hours a day; a man who clearly stated (wordlessly) that he doesn’t miss me and doesn’t want me in his life; a man who has problems relating to other people’s feelings about him without suddenly flipping out and taking an outrageously hurtful defensive stance; BUT, do I need this man in my life? Is it a wise choice in the long run? When it’s all said and done, the passion will be gone and the pride will be healed, is this man man enough to be my man (thanks Sheryl. Lance was a dick by the way)? No, simply not. With that awareness in my mind, I now make this thought my priority every single time I feel like I need to talk to him so bad I can’t even breathe. “Breathe lady, breathe, you will survive”- I tell myself as I think about the inability I had in that relationship to openly put my emotions on the table without being judged for them, or, worse, being attacked because I felt them.
So, here is my 567586th pearl of wisdom, just for you, my dears: make a list of all things that in the long run would have jinxed the relationship anyways, and, closing your eyes, think of all the times you had to experience those moments of discomfort and hurt that came with those things. Feel the anxiety you felt when you argued whenever things weren’t the way he liked them; feel the pain of his words going through your soul when he offended you because he refused to understand you and know you beyond the outside layer of your skin; feel the fear you had every time you tried to expose yourself to him and found out, every single time, he wanted none of it; feel the pain you felt whenever you told him you cared for him dearly and he really didn’t give a fuck about it. Was it worth it? Was all this negative cloud of emotions worth being with this one man? My best guess is that, no matter how much you are putting him on a pedestal of glory and admiration, this man, objectively, is not the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with because, at the end of the day, he’s not the man who is going to take care of you when you’re sick; he’s not the man who is going to listen to your whining after a long and stressful day of work; he’s not the man who’s gonna win your best friend’s heart…He’s just not that man, period. And wouldn’t you rather be alone than being with someone who makes you feel even *more* alone than when you *are* alone?...
Now, I have found out from experience (duh-uh!) that the make-a-list suggestion works only when you have gotten yourself to a point of the grieving process where your internal pendulum is swinging more towards your mind than your heart. That doesn’t mean that you don’t still have moments when your brain is cat fighting with your heart, it just means that you have more moments of lucidity than usual during which you realize that you are mourning the *idealistic image* of the man you thought you were in a relationship with, rather than the actual man who dumped you. Unfortunately when we start engaging ourselves in a relationship, we always construct an idealistic image out of the men we date and, even more disgracefully, if the relationship breaks during that stage of the liaison, we tend to get stuck with the representation of a man we have completely assembled in our mind and that rarely resembles the actual person we dealt with.
Finally, if you feel you have gotten to that stage where you are capable of creating your “You’re Mr. Right Now not Mr. Forever” list, go ahead and get wild with it! I haven’t written mine yet, but, nonetheless, I keep it in my head and practice it, along with my own personal version of aversive conditioning techniques, whenever I feel the instinct of wanting to hear from my ex. If you’ve never looked into aversive conditioning, PLEASE give it a look. I know for a fact that it works; obviously, I am no expert (yet) and you should always inquire about mental health practices with a professional, but here is what it’s all about in a nutshell: http://www.enotes.com/gale-psychology-encyclopedia/aversive-conditioning.
Good luck to all my brave friends out there fighting against their broken heart. We’ll make it someday (hopefully sooner than later, sheesh!).
P.S. People, if you liked this article, don't forget to put a ring on it (aka, leave positive feedback).Thank you.
© 2010 Roberta S