- Gender and Relationships»
Warning : Marriage is not for the faint of heart
Marriage is like playing russian roulette
Marriage is define in my article as a partnership between two people of the opposite sex who profess to love each other, build lives together through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death does them part.
Traditional Views on Marriage
Marriage are supposed to be entered between two mentally mature, financially independent couples who are both in love with each other passionately, not so in love passionately but are committed to live together based on common aspiration and dreams and mutually shared genuine deeper affection with the sole intent and promise to keep the individual fortunes consolidated so it will flourish, multiplies, sprinkling a dash of loyalty, granting dispensation of trust and respect until both parties cease to breath.
Modern Views on Marriage
Marriage is a means to an end. Whence a man or the woman engineered such legal union to proceed employing subtle deception to seek fulfillment of a personal dream. A situation where both are in a tacit agreement to get married for a specified duration of time consummated or not, only the couples are privy to such knowledge for a determined amount of money. And last where either party is being seduced, coerce to enter such legal commitment as the last alternative, an escape route, a form of bail out from financial ruined or freedom from debts, a desperate attempt to access job promotion, political clout, fortune and escape from poverty.
Marriage of the Heart and Mind
This marriage emerges from primitive sexual urges, passionate feelings, intimacy, pure conscience, genuine affection, honest intent to be legally together, without the pressure of pregnancy, bail out from financial ruin, personal ambitions and hidden selfish agenda.
The problem with marriage is that, most couple who entered such legal commitment is blind on the gravity of the implication of the legal binding they have affixed their signature unto, the dire consequences and ramifications if the marriage is a failure, the effect on the future of the lives of the children in case there is a separation and divorce of the parents which equates to a dysfunctional household.
Factors to Consider Before affixing your signature on a Marriage Document
It is very important for both expectant couples to examine their inner selves, where they in it for the love, for practical reasons, to escape personal demons, poverty or financial ruin?
Do expectant couples have a complementary personalities? Each one has a strong and weak points, and both couples personality traits, habits and attitude must fit like a jigsaw puzzle for a marriage to have a greater chance to succeed..
Were you both sharing the same morality code? In today's society where indiscretion is tolerated like a normal aberration, both couple must discuss the situation fully. What are their personal thoughts, views and opinions on betrayal and illicit affairs.
Warning for Everyone
You will never know what hell or paradise you are getting into until you tried it, that sums what marriage is. A wife or a husband outlook in life changes as he/ she matures. As couples grow older, wisdom gains a foothold, mistakes committed by either partner are magnified a thousand fold like issues on handling finances, buying habits, settling debts, the kind of food serve on the table , managing the children, obesity, and tolerance for stupidity and lying will plummet at a high time low..
In other words marriage is like playing a russian roulette, you may either win or lose on the first try, second try or third round. It pays to be extra careful because selecting a wrong partner spawned from hell can be very stressful for your heart, body and soul.
Peculiar trends where late baby boomers with enough disposable cash to throw around:
An aging stinking rich Man buys a pretty young wife young enough to be his granddaughter. The wife will abuse the love or fondness of her husband by having an illicit discreet affair on the one side, splurging on expensive shopping spree and filthy habits without fear or doubts that she will be kick out of his life because he is the perfect epitome of a trophy wife whom he proudly flaunts and taunts on his friends and business associate, to send a loud message across albeit in a subtle manner that "I can afford to keep her while the rest of you is force to contend having fat, boring old wives waiting at home". Mr Old Man is having his last one shot of glory before facing death
A wife who is not financially stable by her own merit will be a candidate for mental enslavement and emotional abuse, because she cannot afford for her own upkeep . There are husbands who will take advantage on her vulnerabilities and derives pleasure in verbally abusing her, commits an illicit affair, knowing she is stuck on the marriage for good or bad having a hard time getting custody of the kids because she lacks financial stability to raise them herself.
Abusive marital relationship exists in one form and shape. Expectant couples who are planning to get married should be extra discerning of the kind of partner they will have for life.
Marriage is a job that entails constant nurture, adjustments, compromises, tolerance, love, acceptance and loyalty.
if you make a mistake of choosing a partner spawned from hell, then get out from it. spend time soul searching deeply, where did you go wrong. On the next round, be vigilant, be informed, be patient in choosing, and be extra discerning whether your lover is a Dr Jekyll and Hyde or Virginia Wolf, for you could be winning a soul mate for a lifetime or handling your death warrant.
Marriage is not an absolute contract where either spouse is absolutely bound to honor the legal tie, to stay with your partner when the relationship turned bitter and a place of bondage..
It does not equate you own each other until death. Marriage has an expiration date, and it happens once the love and respect factor for each other peters out. When one of the spouses fell out of love, the marriage is bound to collapse and disintegrates into a crumbling ruin. You cannot hold your partner hostage, by forcing to stay on a marriage where empathy is replaced by contempt. You will not use your children to bribe your partner to stay, it is pointless, if you will insist you will only be delaying the inevitable. Face the music and don’t be a pathetic fool.
Marriage is a serious commitment of two people who profess to love each other, live together as husband and wife. Both are implicitly required to put their fair share of contribution, capital infusion, sprinkled with trust, loyalty. Both partners must nurture and nourish the relationship with their concerted teamwork, aspirations and vision for the marriage to grow and thrive.
Patience and perseverance to accept each other faults, not so desirable traits, arrogant behavior, and engaging on a series of compromises, good relationship with your in laws are tips to make the marriage keep on running for many years to come.
You are bound by duty and love not to abandon your other half when the going gets tough. Unusual unfortunate events such as medical maladies and accidents where your partner will be temporarily physically incapacitated, psychologically bruised or permanently disabled, is a part of your job description as a spouse and a test of endurance on how you manage such enormous task. This is the ultimate challenge, if you really love your husband or wife.
Honeymoon period is the most verdant and exciting part of the marriage. Sharing intimate moments in bed, having relaxing conversations, romantic dinners, cozy dates are fun and memorable but it is not ever lasting, only a phase.
When the unpaid bills are mounting, the arrival of a baby in your midst, the increase in household spending, less savings are just a few of the changes that will stress the marriage to a breaking point.
The mental pressure, emotional grievances will slowly make inroads inside the tiny crevices and cracks of the marriage. The scarcity of free time to spend bonding moments with your love one engaging in intimate proclivity are lost in the mundane issues of trying to live by each day, without losing each other’s sanity.
Consequently you will never know the full extent of the peculiar habits of your spouse until you spend enough time studying him under your microscopic eyes.
.1. How will you deal with a procrastinator?.
2. What would you do if your husband snore like a beating drum?
3. Collects all kinds of objects you identified as trash, but he sees it as treasures and store it in your garage?
4. A baseball fan addict who sits comfortably on your sofa, watching the major play offs, with a beer in hand, shouting, gesticulating commenting on the game, youfade in the background, his full attention is firmly fixed on tv.
5. What if your wife is a lousy cook?
6. What if your wife abhors doing household chores, and you noticed dirt accumulates inside your home.?
7. How will you cope if your wife is a compulsive shopper, maximizes credit card limit and disagrees on curving her shopping spending?
Marriage is not for every one, and certainly not for the faint of heart because it is not glamorous and cozy as what others marketed and promoted it to be. Marriage is a a series of commitments.
Acceptance of the filthy habits, understanding of weird behavior, supporting each others personal cause and working toward common goal , like setting fund to buy a house et al..
Why do people need to get married, when they could opt to just stick on the live in arrangement?
To get married is a matter of importance and pride for a woman. It is every woman’s wish and dream to walk down the isle wearing a beautiful wedding gown, beaming her wondrous smile to her beloved groom. The wedding day ceremony is a momentous event for an ecstatic bride who is looking forward to announce to all her dear friends and family, that she is about to share her life, with the man she feels she is truly and madly in love with. For the groom it is only a ceremony, a formality he tolerates and endure for the sake of his beloved bride and the people who attended the wedding.
The nuptials will put an official zeal on the tacit written agreement and legitimize the marriage. In case the relationship is forced to end, both spouses are taken care of, if one dies, the surviving partner will have legal claim of the properties left by the other partner accrued upon the consummation of the marriage.
Not all expectant couples are motivated by love to marry.
The dark side of marriage is to protect and secure your investment whether you enter into the agreement by love or self serving agenda. Where the other spouse has large capital invested into the marriage, the other spouse might be motivated to marry because of money, power and prestige.
Some people are parasites who are personally driven to get married to suck the resources of the partner. It is a parasitic relationship where the other spouse will be drained financially and sometimes can lead to financial ruin and bankruptcy.
Marriage is a selfless act of performing bail outs. Yes you read it right, there are instances where either spouse repeatedly accumulate debts, brought out by the partner's own incompetence, and you the more intelligent spouse has to pick up the pieces and get on the role of a perpetual redeemer to save your damsel or prince in distress.
Women should not get married until they are financially stable.
What are questions that must be addressed before getting married?
1..Are your personalities complementary?
Teamwork is the bottom line of the relationship, if your personalities clash, you do not have business being married.
2. Similar set of morality
Both couple must understand before tying a knot that marriage is exclusive, not an orgy. Find out if your partner is not a sexual nomad or into polygamous relationship. If you subscribed to monogamy and he is not, you think he will experience nirvana, because your roads met? Dream on lady.
3. Similar priorities, empathy, just fair and dependable.
Be sure you are not hook up with a bi polar, Dr, Jeykll and Hyde
Do a personality profile, and think hard if what you got is a real deal or just someone that only exist in your mind.
4. Is your partner a smoker, drunkard, substance dependent?
Above are sore eyes in a relationship, it affects the income of a household,
A leopard is a leopard. it will never change its spots and colors, retreat and depart is my advise
5.A pathological liar?
Habitual liars are mentally sick and parasites. They are dangerously so good at their craft, do not feel any remorse or guilt for every lie they spouted, in fact they are so comfortable with it. Lying is instinctive and so natural, they do not see it as a sin ,just a facet of their personality.
6..Does your partner a source of inspiration, brings out the best in you, show interests in your visions and pursuits on life?
You have the option and the right to look for someone that brings out the best in you, more than willing to assist you to realize your full potential, lends support on your visions, provide words of encouragement, not insecure or felt threatened on your achievements or success and vice versa.
Consider number 4, 5 and 6 carefully, there must be no gray areas on your answer, a partner who will try to curtail your individual growth or development, who smoother your ,prevent the spiritual growth of the relationship with petty jealousy, possessiveness is an insecure toddy, get rid of her/ him for he will drag you down on a downward spiral cycle of contempt and stress..
The question is how are you going to evaluate your potential husband or wife
Hard to answer. Take a chance. Marriage is a gamble of a lifetime.
I will not personally advise a living in arrangement, it lacks focus but for the sake of avoiding a costly, complicated divorce, and dragging mental bruised, then why not?
Long engagement is another option, but not as an effective truth serum compared in living together.
On another note, what is the advantage of live in in arrangement?
You are in relationship without pretensions. No pressure to impress, no hidden agenda to dupe your partner. You may opt to wear an artificial mask, be a cucko, a freak or an Einstein, take a pick, but what purpose will it serve to be not what you are? You are not motivated by a selfish reason. This is a period of discovery whether your compatibility index is worth another trip..
So when do you think the person you are most intimate and in love with is the right one for you?
Pray to God, I mean seriously and he will guide on the right track. Read 1 to 5. think hard and reflect. And then you have to wait for a little while, when you reached on your 30's for women and on your 40's for men.
When I say marriage, I meant for a lifetime, no room for errors and foolishness, after all we are talking a lifetime of commitment with your soul mate..
So why wait until you are on your 30's?
To spare the innocent children the trauma of ending up in a split household and for you to find your soulmate.
.When you reached your 30’s you are already emotionally mature, possesses inner discernment, sharper logic, focus oriented, goal driven and the standard you set for your ideal mate is valid and most important, financially independent.
Is it really necessary to get married?
Well if you are comfortable getting old alone by yourself, with only your nieces or nephew to occasionally keep you company or a kid you sire from someone you do not wish to marry, that is your call.
Imagine staring at the sunset, sitting on your rocking chair, sipping tea, reminiscing the old times, wishing you could have done otherwise.
It is important to grow old with fewer regrets and having peace of mind, if you want to get married because you are afraid of growing old alone, that would be utterly wrong.
Marriage is a personal journey of your own choosing, with that special someone you found to be an extension of yourself, to cherish and to love, grow old together loose tooth, until you both two are wrinkled.
Seriously if you are planning to spend your life with someone for at least five years, you should consider marriage, but if the thought of getting married scare you yet, then you may opt for a living arrangement, but don't get pregnant or adopt a baby. Spare the child the uncertainty about the future.
Recipe for a Successful Marriage
1. Individual space and time away from each other
- Do not lose your individual perspective. Your partner is another person, possessing a fully developed brain, with a built in formed personality. Respect each others views, learn to really listen what each has to say on matters discussed and points of contention, the purpose is to arrive at a consensual decision.
2. Postpone having a baby until both of you have spend enough years together, building the foundation of a marriage to lasts a lifetime.
3. For a marriage to work a woman should defer her decision in favor of his superior judgment, provided you both meet halfway, it is very important to find an intelligent man / woman with a good heart, consequently a man will not tolerate his woman who defies and challenge him constantly.
Getting married is not about finding a savior for free board and lodging in exchange for legalize sex. It is not about finding someone to bail you out of your debts.
What if one fell out of love?
Face the music accept the verdict with an open mind and heart. It is not the end of the road, but a journey of sort arriving that hit a snag.. Learn to let go and move on.
As we mature, our priorities change, standards set become loftier, expectations goes several notches higher, stupidity is no longer tolerated and patience becomes a scarce commodity.
In every relationship there are ups and downs, if your compatibility index is higher and both parties are singing the same tune, vibrating on the same frequency, there is a chance the relationship could be salvaged, otherwise it is the end of the road.
We do change as we aged sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse. Who knows what is lurking behind anyone’s brain including your partner. Personal frustrations, discontentment, emotional turmoil, intimacy gone, sexual attraction dissipates, love die a natural death, gone with the wind