- Gender and Relationships
The Turning Point?
This particular turning point, is not your typical “happily-ever-after.”
When you meet a guy who you have an instant connection with, there’s an ease that flows between you and him—as well as a physical attraction that you can’t deny. Almost immediately, you can’t help but form hopes in your head about a potential relationship, or if one has formed—it moving to the next level. So, why does a connection like this sometimes only last a few days, several weeks, or months before it turns from bliss to disaster? You might think it’s a mystery, but it’s not.
Although it seems to be a mystery why the sudden change of heart occurs, the reality is that once you or the guy you’re dating realizes that there is not sufficient compatibility, a turning point in emotions is bound to occur. This change of heart is conscious but sometimes subconscious—either way, there is a disconnect felt that ends up overriding any chemistry that was initially there.
Too often, as women, we are afraid to be our authentic selves in fear of losing a guy. We hold on so desperately to men that we end up pretending to be someone we are not. Eventually the real you comes out—because most people can't hide their true essence forever. Then, we act shocked and surprised when the relationship turns in a negative direction.
Don't get me wrong, men will also lead with their best made up representative-self. However, this usually occurs to win your emotions or possibly your heart, so that you will want to have sex with him. Not cool.
Showing your authentic self is important, regardless if the relationship doesn't last, wouldn't you rather be you then spend wasted energy being who you think the guy wants you to be?
The only time I get shocked is when I'm completely honest about who I am—what you see is what you get, and then a guy pulls away after months of me being me. A guy will claim he loves my strong, independent personality and then does a 180. At the end the day, most men don't know what they really want since most things sound good in theory or better on paper, but the reality is usually too much to handle.
When you find a potential match, it's not always meant to be permanent.
I know that it can feel like a needle in a haystack when you finally meet a guy that you find yourself attracted to—who is also coincidentally interested in you as well. Attraction is a first step to forming any type of connection. Realizing you actually have chemistry is the second step. However, the most imperative step occurs when you realize you’re on the same “life” page or not. This step is the defining step to how quickly your relationship or potential of a relationship may form—or not.
Does he want the same things you do—marriage, children, no-children, etc.? Are his morals in line with yours—religion, political, and financial views relatively similar or at least agreeable? Is health important to him—does he workout, eat healthy, smoke, drink alcohol—and how often? Does he frequent bars or clubs, or is he more of a homebody?
It's important to know the things that can determine your compatibility sooner, rather than later....
Unfortunately, if you’re political views are unwavering and influence many social and economical decisions you make, then dating the opposite would be a challenge. Also, if being a devout, practicing Catholic reigns supreme in your life, dating an Atheist probably won’t work either (unless you attempt to persuade your partner’s beliefs). And of course, if you really want marriage and children and the person you meet doesn’t believe in matrimony and despises children, then the relationship is doomed.
Most people don‘t ask these important questions on their first few dates because they’re in a fantasyland and they don’t want reality to alter their “perfect” perception of the person. But asking is important before your emotions get too involved.
I have several girlfriends who will wait months to ask certain questions because they don’t want to alarm the guy they are dating. Here's the thing, the right match for you won’t get scared off—he will appreciate the emotional, thought-provoking conversations, "getting to know you questions." Now, I’m not saying that on the first encounter you need to express your desperate need to have children because your “clock is ticking.” That information could even make the ‘right’ guy feel like a sperm-bank. Also, telling a guy on the first or few dates that you want to get married right away, can feel a bit intense for a guy to hear. No man wants to feel as though your only mission is to find a guy—any guy, to walk down the aisle with. Yikes!
When a guy hears information or notices something you have said or done that he doesn't register with in a positive way, usually this will cause him to run in the other direction. Men aren't great at communicating, but they are excellent at emotionally closing up and running away. Regardless, I would rather know sooner rather than later what type of guy he is, versus being agreeable for the sake of not being alone. Honestly, that would be Way too much work—do you really want to be a “Yes” girl? God, I hope not. But, the key to preventing that is knowing what you want, not settling or being fake.
It’s essential to keep communication open as much as you can. Figure out what five attributes in a man are most important to you and what his are—BEFORE the committed relationship begins. Once you know your attributes, then talking about them will come naturally, with the ‘right’ guy. The timing won’t feel awkward and the turning points will happen less frequently. Remember, honesty is the best policy; and if a guy can’t appreciate your genuine beliefs and opinions, know that there is someone else out there who does.
Ladies, connecting with a guy past the physical is the key to a lasting relationship. Sharing mutual interests—hobbies, sports, food, museums, etc. that you can enjoy together is important too. Communication—regardless of how hard it can be for many men, is the glue to all relationships. Without communication you are setting yourself up for a failed, unhappy union—that I'm sure you don't want. When you're open and honest you will eventually find a guy who will love you, for you and will want to turn your relationship into a permanent loving, lasting commitment.
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