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Things I learned becoming a transman

Updated on March 25, 2016

Manchester pride parade

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It's Not About Anyone But Me

One of the first things I'll admit to doing is giving out so much information it hurt. I wanted, needed, people around me to accept me as I was. When my sister asked me questions on how that worked, I exploded with all the information I had gathered. I spewed facts and figures, even some things which were deeply personal. I so desperately wanted to be seen as male, I did some things I laugh about now. It's crazy how people, namely me, can act. I overcompensated in a lot of ways. I became hyper-masculine. All because I wanted to be seen as male.

What I didn't realize at the time was, I didn't need to prove anything to anyone, even to myself. Maybe, especially to myself. All those questions about my downstairs didn't need to be answered. Those were private questions that could have been left alone. I could have said, 'No, I don't feel comfortable answering those questions'. But men don't have feelings! How could I say I was uncomfortable and stay in the hyperpersona of male? So, I logically laid out what I planned to do. Probably saying too much. In fact, I know I said too much. If they wanted to know, really wanted to know, they could have gone and looked it up on google like I did.

My point is you don't have to say or do anything that isn't you. You don't have to pretend to be like those guys on tv, or your brothers, uncle, father, or guy friend from whenever. You don't have to emulate your favorite male role model. I've read about some people encouraging this, but I don't think it's right. No one can say how you be male. It's insecurity that drives us to act like someone we're not. We're insecure about being seen male, so we have to pretend to be more so. Or at least, I did.

We need to stop looking outside at everyone else to see how we should act or behave. Who cares if you are transmale and like My Little Pony still? If you like it, why do you need to give it up? If you want to have fine china arranged a certain way, really who's to say that's not right for you? It's up to us to decide what is right for us. We already know how we want to be. We're men. No man is the same. If we look at the

We're men. No man is the same. If we look at the men all across the world, none of them are exactly alike. They aren't all tall, broad shouldered, rugged men that go fishing, and camping or such. It's a stereotype we don't have to fit in. The world will try and fit us in little boxes, but we don't fit and we need to stop trying to make ourselves fit inside for them. We know who we are if we just stop for a moment. Quiet the desperation, anxiety, or even self loathing. I've experienced it all. I don't need to change any aspect of myself for anyone or anything. If I accept myself, then the right people will accept me too. If they don't accept me, they're not the right people. I know that's a quote but I don't know who from. My point is once we learn to quiet ourselves inside, the world around us also quiets.

All the changes going on are for ourselves. We don't need to choose the biggest, fattest downstairs because that's what popular opinion says we should have. We don't need ripped bodies. If that's not you, don't do it. No matter the size you choose, or don't choose. Go for it. No one can decide it for you.

Go for it!

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When you are ready, go for it

Everything that happens should be on your time table. I've found countless articles, stories, and even medical journals stating exactly when and how a transman should transition and the signs of when you are ready to transition. Truth is you are on your own time table. Few are willing to admit this, but it's true. When you decide you are ready, you know. You know when you want to have top surgery or when you don't want to. When you want to get bottom or not to get it, you know. There is nothing and no one that says you have to do it exactly in twelve months. Sure, medical journals will say things like this, but they are not you. They can't know when you are ready.

You can decide to get hormone therapy. If you don't see changes you like, you can try and figure out what changes you want to see then talk about them with your doctor. Don't let anyone force you to do something you aren't comfortable with. If the changes are happening too quickly, talk about that too. I know as men we tend to shut our trap and run with it, or at least I do. I've had to stop this habit and slow down. I've learned to accept help and go to the doctor's even when I didn't feel like I needed it. We need to be able to talk about whatever's going on so the transition happens as smoothly for US as we need it to be. Because it truly is all about you. This is your time. This is your moment, your happiness on the line. No one else's and it's up to us to take control of it.

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Not all help is helpful

There have been times in the past people have been too helpful. I even had family members tell me what I liked and didn't like. When I said I was gay, as the term I personally like, they went through a logical triangle to lead to the fact that I was indeed male male type gay. I found it disturbing because at the type I was stating I was bisexual. I was, and still am, attracted to both genders. They were trying to be helpful in 'helping' me to define myself. But they were doing it for me. They were leading me to water I didn't want to drink from. Once again, I had let someone label me for me, because I wanted to be accepted. I've since decided I am more pansexual, or attracted to any gender as it is about gender for me. It's about the person. Now, someone might through some other term at me, but for me it works. Though, I still call myself gay, which can be confusing for some people, but it's again what I like.

This actually brings me to another point. Someone trying telling me what my definition of pansexual is. They said pansexual is when you are attracted to everything and anyone, that I wanted to go do everyone and everything. No. I'm sorry but that's not how I define it. Pansexual as my personal view is being able to be attracted regardless of sexuality, gender or orientation. Really regardless of religion, creed, race or anything. Because none of that matters to me. The person is the one I'm attracted to, so this is where I'm at. If you reach a definition that works for you, even if it is a term others might be confused with, who cares? It's what feels right for you. Go for it.

Another type of help someone has given me is to tell me how things are when it was really how it should be. They wanted things to be different, laws to be different, culture to be different, that they were willing to tell me things were what they weren't. One important rule I've found is always check your facts. Even if the person seems credible, an important figure in society, LGBT communities or such, check their facts. Never accept something as true just because someone says it is. It will save you a LOT of heart ache. There were times I didn't check and got in a bit of trouble. It wasn't bad thankfully but I was certainly embarrassed.

LGBT flag

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What it all amounts to

What it all comes down to is what makes you happy. If you feel best wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt, why would it be bad? If you still like wearing dresses, even though you say you are transmale, who cares? If it makes you happy, they should just accept it as is.

Keep in mind, though you don't absolutely have to answer all questions. Shutting people out and not answering any isn't the right approach either. What that does is shuts people out. If you don't feel comfortable, just say that then maybe try answering a different question about something less personal. In a perfect world or even just a better one, everyone would accept each other as is and how we feel most comfortable in our own skin. Not everyone is going to, and this isn't a lecture. It's most important to be happy with ourselves rather than what we gave up to make others happy. Our own self-accountability and happiness are what will, in the end, be with us. People come and go for the various reason. What we will always have is ourselves. If we can learn to be happy in our own skin, who's to say we have to do anything different. We innately know how to be ourselves. We often have just forgotten how to be. Don't let the world decide for you and make you forget who you are. There isn't another like you.

What's something you've learned?

Is there something you've learned that no one told you, you wish someone told you, or was contradictory of advice? Answer in the comment section below

© 2016 AlexiaFox

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