17 Subtle Mistakes Most Women Make With Men That Cause Relationship to Fail
Things Women do That Destroy Their Marriage
You do want a happily ever after, but sometimes the little things you do in your relationship, some of which you might not even be aware of, can cause irreparable harm to your marriage. It is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. Creating a hostile environment can make everyone uncomfortable and destroy your marriage. Healthy and a happy marriage is the responsibility of both partners but women have the power to make a home, or break it. There are certain things that women can keep in check from their end, to ensure that they do not ruin their relationship. You should not let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life. Here are some of the things that women do, which can destroy a marriage.
Using words to hurt, maim and destroy your marriage
Women are adept at brandishing the sharpest words in order to shame, demean and belittle their man. Do not resort to name calling, hitting, spitting, breaking dishes, or anything else when you lose your temper. Although men are stronger physically, women have the advantage when it comes to verbal acumen. On average, women speak nearly three times more than men. Women are talkers and have learned how to use words for the most effectiveness. The noble woman uses her words to build the people around her, to tear them down. All the apologies in the world will never take back the sting of your angry words, once you have unleashed them on your hapless husband. Rather than use your words as a weapon, use them as a healing balm to comfort, encourage and uplift your husband.
The wife and husband are a team or partners
Weather the storms of life by turning toward each and building into each other rather rejecting each other. A good wife will say, “I commit myself to confront problems when they arise and not retreat like the turtle in its shell.” Or “I commit myself to you in times of joy and in times of problems. We will tackle and share our problems together.” Do not make any major decisions about the family without consulting with husband. George Eliot wrote, “What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life –to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest in each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be with each other in silent unspeakable memoirs at the moment of the last parting.”
Communication is a serious part of a marriage. How do you communicate with your husband? Do you converse with him just as you would with a good friend? If you do not communicate on a personal basis, your facts and problems and thoughts are never ever going to reach your husband. If he finds you are egoistic and not communicating, he won’t have the urge for communicating with you and problems and issues shall remain unaddressed and unsolved. No matter how awkward or unpleasant the issue feels, discuss it. Marriage with its stresses, trials and inescapable closeness to your husband, is certainly a test to see how you can communicate. You don’t want an unhappy marriage so start sharing with your husband whatever is going on in your mind. Be honest about your feelings, and don't bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what's wrong, don't respond with "nothing" and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel. Even if your mind is hassle free, sit together at the end of the day and share incidents from your day at work or at home. Always communicate with words and a calm mind. Breathe before you decide to act on your temper. When you share things with your husband, he finds it easier to open up in front of you and your marriage will be happier for it.
Having Unrealistic Expectations
The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband's means. Seeking fulfillment from your husband, and projecting your unhappiness onto him when he doesn't measure up will quickly destroy your marriage. Expecting the partner to do things that are currently beyond his capacity is the bane of some marriages. Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt on your credit card or putting pressure on him for things that you yourself know might not be possible for him to do is a sure way to erode your relationship slowly and steadily. Show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances. If you feel unhappy, first examine reality. You will be happier if you shape your expectations to fit the reality of your situation.
Are you in the habit of finding faults all the time? You hate your house, the messes around the house, your neighborhood, the old dishwasher, and everything in between. Chronic complaining tells your spouse that you are not happy with him, and he is not good enough. ? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for him to help solve your pains. Constructive criticism, if it is meant to improve the marriage, is welcome. But, if you are always obsessing over the imperfections of your partner, then you are walking over troubled water. It's in order to have a bad day once in a while, that's totally understandable, but don't make it a way of life. The sooner you accept that, no human being is perfect, including you the better for your marriage.
Not appreciating him enough
Lou Beardsley and Toni Spry wrote, “What a man desires is admiration. Admire your husband. If you don’t you are denying him the one thing he wants most in life and his ego will be crushed. When he tells you something about his work in which he was successful, share the satisfaction with him. If he has pleased his boss and feels happy, tell him you’re proud of him. If he gets a promotion or raise, instead of saying, ‘It’s about time,’ give him a big hug and say, ‘How wonderful darling, you deserve it.’” Lack of appreciation is often one of the major causes of resentment in a marriage. Stop for a moment and acknowledge the efforts of your partner and let him know you notice them. It is easy to take your spouse for granted, a quick note of appreciation, a hug or a kiss can do wonders to your relationship. Make it a habit of showing appreciation to your partner every single day.
Contempt can be described as name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, or make sarcastic facial expressions and hostile humor. Of course, everyone makes mistakes. You can build him up or tear him down. The choice belongs entirely to you. This is a quick and easy way to show your husband that you don't respect him or his opinion. Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. Your husband can become overwhelmed by the barrage of criticism coming at him. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message that you’re disgusted with him. When you are critical or sarcastic with your husband, he feels attacked and unvalued. The result is he shut down, withdraws, and seeks kindness and approval elsewhere. If you'd like to ask questions, wait until he stops talking. Let him have a few minutes to be the center of your attention. It is more important to give him your attention, to look at him and to listen, than it is to roll your eyes or shake your head in exasperation. You are trying to build a bond, not destroy the man you love. The fight you had last week over shopping or whatever is over and done with. So try to move on with it and stop rehashing the past and reminding him of his faults. If you do, he may actually start to fall out of love with you and you could lose him all together.
Putting Friends and Family Before Him
When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. After marriage, you have a new family to look after as well. While you need not break all ties with your own family and friends, understand that these new relationships are important as well. If you are always putting your family or friends before him or his family, he might not like it. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self-esteem? So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first. If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy. It is not out of place to maintain a healthy contact with your own family and friends even after marriage, and expecting your partner to respect that. But, put your husband first. Lou Beardsley & Toni Spry wrote, “If your husband has a need it’s time for baby’s bath, attend to your husband first. The baby’s bath can wait! Putting your child’s need before your husband’s can cause him to build resentment toward the baby.”
Not giving him space
Your husband will love his space and freedom, and this is one of the main reasons why he may detest your excessive possessiveness. Men want their women to respect their personal space and social group. Calling him up every single hour, getting jealous unnecessarily, forcing him to cancel plans with his friends always- are some common things that you might be doing out of love but it could be counter-productive. It is okay to be jealous sometimes, but not all the time.
Criticize him, make fun of him and belittle him to your friends and family
When you speak poorly of your spouse, you not only diminish your husband in your eyes, but you also poison those closest to you and in time, this can destroy your marriage. Your friends and family members want to protect you from danger and harm so if you are constantly referring to your husband in a negative light, then they will want to protect you and your children from this monster you married, even if he isn't really a monster, they may not know otherwise because they don't live at your house. You force them to take sides, and of course they choose your side, because they want to be loyal to you because they don't see the good things your husband does. The only view they have of your husband is the one that you present to them. Even when you get over your tirade, and everything is great at home, they will still be mad at him. Rather, speak of your husband, use uplifting, encouraging words.
Withhold affection and sex
Men crave and need physical affection with their wives. Your husband needs physical release through sexual intimacy. It is not just something he is demanding of you, it is something he needs, physiologically speaking. When you constantly decline intimacy, this can cause a huge rift in your marriage, whether you realize it or not. Mark & Grace Driscoll wrote, “Sex is a powerful gift that God gives to married couples.” Sex should not be used as a tool to manipulate or control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and to God. Dr. Stephen Arterburn’s New Life Ministries says, “Sexual pleasure is one of the most human experiences. Physically speaking, when a man and woman reaches sexual excitement, nerve endings release a chemical into the brain called ‘opioid’. ‘Opioid’ means opium-like and is good description of the power of this chemical. Apart from a heroin-induced experience, nothing is more physically pleasurable than sex. This is a wonderful thing in a committed marriage relationship, because it helps to bond two people together and bring joy to living together and building a relationship.” When you refuse to meet his need for physical release, you are making a much deeper statement; you do not care about or respect his needs. While you want your emotional needs met, it is important not to lose sight of his needs. It is unfair for you to cut him off from what he needs.
6. Disrespecting his insight, opinions and advice
Karol Ladd wrote, “There is probably no greater gift we can give our husband than the gift of respect. Yes, respect is a gift. No strings attached. No “if…then” lists. Respect is wrapped up in the beautiful paper of kind and gentle words and tied with the enormous ribbon of a loving spirit. It is a pouring of ourselves. It’s going beyond what we want and offering our husbands what they need. It is not an easy gift to give.” In any organization, there must be a leader, someone in charge. Families and relationships are much like any other organization. There must be someone in charge, someone who will take full responsibility when things go wrong, and someone that everyone can turn to. The man is the head of the family. By nature, if you present a problem, he will come up with concrete steps to solve the problem. When you are dismissive, it sends the message that you do not value him. You can respectfully disagree with a decision without attacking his ability to lead. Rather than making decisions without regard for your husband's input, and then blaming him when things don't work out, try instead to work together. You can decide together how things should be done, and you can offer him the final say when decisions need to be made.
Karol Ladd wrote, “Typically nagging shows up in one or a combination of the following, depending on the circumstance:
- Repeating a command or demand more than once
- Using a disrespectful or whiny tone
- Huffing off when he doesn’t do what you want him to do
- Grumbling and complaining aloud or under your breath
- Standing over him with arms crossed, tapping your big toe on the floor, wagging your pointer finger in his face
- Giving the silent treatment.”
So, do you always keep your feelings pent-up and wait for him to figure out what is wrong? He may not be an expert, who will figure things out on his own based on your expressions and mood. Many marriages break up over trivial things. By keeping quiet or closing communication you cannot solve any problem or resolve any issue. Your attitude might throw him further away from the issue and the relationship.
Never being happy
One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to spend all your time acting miserable and unhappy. Are you fond of breaking things or throwing things when you are angry? And your children will say, “Mom is at it again.” This is wrong. Your goal should be to be happily married, so it is up to you to exercise self-control. Never compare your husband unfavorably with other men, and don’t criticize him in front of others. Either would be a blow to his ego. And don’t envy other women because their husbands seem to be doing better. If you believe that your happiness comes from other people or having things or external circumstances, then you will never be happy. The goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. It is to this end that you have an obligation to be happy. You are in charge of your happiness. It is a decision. There is no need to express every angry, bitter or resentful thought. Everybody gets pissed off, frustrated and irritated. You can choose to be a miserable, unhappy grouch, or you can suck it up, pull your boots on and show up in your marriage as the person you'd like to be. Each day, work on bringing your best self into the relationship.
Not nourishing your bond
You are aware of how important it is to connect with your spouse on a daily basis, but it is easy to forget when there are kids, career, and chores to manage. It is important to know what love language you husband understands. It might be different from yours. So if you continue to speak to him in your own love language, he might not understand. If your partner feels loved by quality of time, make sure that when you get home from work, “Turn off” and focus your attention on your partner. Sit on the couch and just be with your partner. If it is physical touch, hug your husband regularly and give good sex. If it is Words of Affirmation, when your husband travels, put notes in his suitcase. Send your husband off happily and welcome him back enthusiastically. Whichever love language that your partner speaks, make sure that you speak the same language. Keep in mind, physical and emotional shut down often leads to a big lack of intimacy. Withholding affection from your partner can cause a major disconnect that will be hard to bridge. Just as you want your man to take time out and do something special and intimate for you, you should do the same. Consciously take out time to be with your partner, and give it top priority if you love your marriage.
Never Accepting to be Wrong
Beyond this, wives typically admit to bad behavior and attitudes, but attribute it to hormones, chemical imbalances and a dysfunctional childhood.
Woe to the husband who dares suggest his lovely bride could use improvement in some aspect of her life. Labeled a heartless, uncaring, unrighteous lout, he is silenced by an angered, wounded wife, cloaked in self-righteous indignation. She then feels perfectly justified in attacking every flaw, magnifying every misstep and pointing out every failure, until he feels ashamed for living. Stop trying to correct every little flaw you perceive in his character and set about removing the blinding plank from your own eye.
Picking the wrong man
You might meet a man, and then you like him and start dating. Then you begin to notice the tiny flaws. He yells, just like your dad did. He drinks and becomes abusive. He is mean to your kids. "It's o.k., " you tell yourself, "I'll fix him after we get married." The best thing is to stop right there. You cannot change him. The man you date will be the same man after you are married. You cannot change the basic nature of other people. You cannot nag or pout or complain them into changing. If the relationship feels unhealthy during dating, getting married will not fix it. He will not magically become more responsible, more reliable, or more loving after you marry him. So if you want a good husband, find a good man, date him, and marry him. The only person you can change is yourself.
While this list may seem daunting, if you are guilty of any of these behaviors, you are putting your marriage at great risk. We all know that every relationship has to go through a fair share of ups and downs but it is important to remember that the main goal of marriage should be peace and happiness. But, when you keep certain emotions and behavior in check, you can find a way to make your relationship last a lifetime easily. If you feel unhappy, seek those things that will fulfill you in life. Just try to make your marriage happy.