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To Disappear

Updated on January 19, 2023


This is not to be taken in the criminal sense but for survival. Too mny people are in toxic relationships and would leave 'if' and the 'if' becomes a shackle.

Days, weeks, months and years stomp by while the 'if' is tweaked.

Get rid of the If..
You can free yourself if you have the courage.

You can.
No matter where you are, no matter who 'controls' you, You CAN escape.

What you need is a new identity, some money, (not as much as you think) and a plan.


The importance of 'disappearing' can not be overstated. You can't tell anyone you are going, you can not hint that you are leaving, and you must not ever go where it is expected.

For a wife to go to her parent's home, unless she has particularly powerful relatives
is not safe. The husband can stalk, attack, gain access.

To go to a relative, or known friends is not safe. It puts them at risk.
You must go to where you have no known contact.

To disappear means just that. It means you are nowhere to be found.
You contact no one.

When You have a little time...

Squirrel away as much money as you can. Your shopping money, any money you have, a dollar here five there, ads up. Hide this money in various locations you can get to quickly.

If you are to pay the bills on a specific day and are given cash to make those
payments that day becomes 'E Day'; the day of your escape.

If you have your name on an account, the morning you clean it out is the morning you will disappear.

Put a lot of silent thought into your escape. Especially the silent part.

No one is to imagine you are thinking of going away. Everyone must be taken by surprise. No one is supposed to be able to say; Ya know, I bet she went to Canada cause she was talking about Montreal the other day...."

(Unless you want everyone to think you are going to Canada but are actually going to Mexico.)

What you need is a place to go where lots of people are going and you can get
lost in the crowd.

It is from that point you make your move.


One doesn't have to be James Bond, or have the skill of the lead character in the movie 'Catch Me if You Can" one just needs to be sensible and prudent.

Sensible in not leaving 'clues' and prudent in not making too elaborate a 'legend' .
How much 'security' you actually need has to be decided.

You might be able to go to a nearby city and use a version of your name. If you
have one of those fairly common names, you're in luck, use a version of it.

Those who have never used their first name, for example, or always been known as Lee when your name is Loretta, can use what they have.

When you need a lot of security you have to adopt another identity. You don't want to commit fraud, you just want to have a little breathing room. As long as you don't use that identity for crime, you will be okay. It is like adopting a 'Stage Name'.

You might want to get away as Ann Gottlieb and a few weeks later use a totally
new name and move somewhere else as Martha Burns.

It is very rare that the first place you go to becomes the new 'home '. More likely
it is a sanctuary in which you gain your bearings while you make a decision which
way to go and what to do.

As previously mentioned, using a large gathering of people; a rock concert, the Olympics, a convention is a great way to go somewhere, meet people, and become someone else.

Just imagine it.

Suppose you chose the Olympics or some major sports competition or a political meeting or demonstration. You travelled to that City as millions of others traveled. You join the crowd.

You will meet people. Even if you can't buy a ticket or gain access to a venue, it doesn't matter. You are in the midst of thousands strangers, very difficult to find,
very difficult to track.

Once in the City you will find a place to stay, something to do. Remember there's a crowd of people needing to be accommodated. Tasks that need to be done. You might be pulled in for odd jobs; There are opportunities waiting.

Just make yourself available. Ask; "Do you need any workers?"

Even being a volunteer will have its use. You'll find a cheap place to stay, you'll
make contacts. Considering the confusion, you might be able to slip by with
a false name.


Some people keep moving. They adopt an itinerant life style in which they go from place to place taking odd jobs.

You don't need to put down roots. Keep moving until you find a place that feels safe. This might make you believe you can resurface. This is not a good idea unless the person you are escaping from is dead or in prison.

You have to examine your situation carefully. A year isn't long enough, five years,
depending on what you are escaping, is no time at all.

The Sham Marriage

For women, the sham marriage is the best way to go, even if you are already married.

Those agencies which set up these shams often have some familiarity with false papers. Using a version of your real maiden name, i.e. if you were born Phyliss Joan Myers, marry as Joan Myers.

You take the name of your husband. Hence you become Joan Gonzalez or
Joan Amir, and get documents in that name which you will use on a somewhat temporary basis.

You get the new name, new documents, and go away. When you get where you
are going you can become J. Phyliss Amir, or Junita Gonzalez.

Always move. Put down no roots.

Where You Are Now

One of the facts of life is that 'You can't go Home Again.'
You can't ever "Go Back".
It is a fact of reality that time moves in one direction.

Let go of the past.
Whoever you were ten years ago is dead and buried.
Don't ever believe that anyone has to take you in or help you.
This will lead to disaster.

Recreate yourself in your mind before you leave. You might think of changing your
hair and dress styles.


You might start or stop wearing glasses if that is an identifiable feature.
You might be a vibrant person who pretends to be an old lady or old man during
your journey; your get away disguise is crucial.

If people are looking for a woman with long blonde hair, who would notice an
androgynous type with short brown hair?

Gender benders are fantastic covers. A woman can pretend to be a Gay Man.

You don't need plastic surgery. Hunching and walking with a cane, dressed in ill
fitting garments with glasses gives the appearance of age.

Having a bandage across your nose, as if it were broken attracts the eye.

The behavior coupled with the new appearance is a good cover.
Plan this with great focus. This escape persona is the difference between
success and failure.

Once you get to your first venue in disguise, abandon it, and adopt your 'working'
persona. While being this person plan how to become another, so when you leave
your first harbour it's someone else who pulls into the second.

Don't be afraid, think of survival.

A Story to Warm You

Denise Marie Themy married Frank Bridges. He was the standard abusive
husband and terrified her.

She made up her mind to leave and began to hide money all over the house.
She put some in envelopes and taped them under drawers, she put some behind the book cases.

It took her a few months to put together a good portion of run money.

Then, on the day she was to pay the bills, she took that plus her hidden money and left the house as if she was going to the supermarket.

She had a knap sack full of her possessions inside a big plastic bag within her shopping cart.

She left the cart, tossed away the Sim Card from her phone, got on a bus and went South.

In another city she used the bathroom, cut her hair short, changed into clothing she had never worn, put on glasses, and took a bus travelling West.

She used the name Marie Thomas to take a room in a Motel.

The next morning she went on a walkabout in the town. She got a job in a diner's kitchen from midnight to eight a.m. When she filled out the form for her job entered her Social Security number 'wrong' misplacing two numbers.

She worked for a week, got her pay, then took a train to another city.

She went into a battered woman's shelter she had learned about and stayed for two weeks while they helped her create a new identity.

Once that was complete she went on to a third city.

She spent six months there, did a business marriage for which she was well paid.
She now became Marie Habib.

She got a new Social Security Card, attended college took a few courses, gained qualification in a particular field and applied for positions, took one in another city. She was now Mari Habib.

You Can Do It

Don't stand there trembling with...'what if he catches me?' think of when he goes out and is out for a while.

Think about the times you go out... supermarket... job? Match up times and places
and money.

Taking a bus somewhere to catch a bus somewhere else, and changing your costume at the second stop makes it very hard to find you.

For even if your husband learns you took the bus to X city wearing your blue slacks
getting to X city will not uncover where you went, because in the bathroom you went into a red dress and a different hair style/colour.

Dressing as a Muslim woman is very useful, you've got your body and hair covered and people will see a Muslim woman.

You just need to believe you can do it, just need to use your brain, and you'll escape.


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