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To Fix it or Not to Fix it - that is the question!
My subconscious mission in life has always been to fix things for those I love and those who would bring their problems to me. I am no one special, I simply have a gift. So, I used this gift to try to fix things for others.
As an empath, this was very painful for me, but it was all I knew.
For the majority of life I physically experienced others pains and joys. Sometimes this is wonderful; other times it sucks.
One day I tuned in to OWN, which was a preview channel of the month, on my satellite program; in other words, a subscription channel that I do not have, nor can afford to have.
Still, I believe there was a special reason that I was able to have it for a few weeks in October. That reason is Ophra’s LifeClass.
Nothing was said on there that I had not already said to many in my lifetime, especially when I was giving speeches. However, everything I heard and saw brought it all home to rest on my heart and my head.
It was like it was the first time I was hearing this information.
Then and there I experienced a life changing moment.
I paused my TV and ran for the pencil and paper.
I watched an Ophra Life Class and took copious notes.
I have recorded 11 of the classes and am in the process of reviewing and taking notes on them now.
The most recent one hit me hard. It was not only a situation like I knew about, but one I have experienced. I would like to share it with you...
One of my children, who is an adult, is sad. He is very sad. He’s quite unhappy with his life, although he will not admit it to himself or to others. Anyone who knows him will agree with me.
I want to get in there and fix it for him.
I have tried for numerous years to make it all good, only to face brick wall after brick wall.
I can not even make it acceptable for him.
I have cried; I have lost many nights sleep, worried for his future, for his family and for his soul.
Up until recently I have borne unbearable guilt and shame. Guilt over never knowing what I had done as a mother to allow him to think so poorly of himself; shame to never having been able to reach him.
What had I done or not done, as a mother, to allow him to think so poorly of himself?
I realize now, it is for himself he has no respect.
He is now a family man - a husband - a father - and still I see such sorrow in his eyes and in his countenance when I look upon his face.
What have I done? If only he would talk - really talk to me. If only!
I can not fix anything for anyone but myself! It is not within my power to fix anything for another. I’m not sure I want it in my power.
I am 100% without the shadow of a doubt responsible for only me. That is a huge task in itself.
So now that I have let go, I have a dilemma with my son. Correction, I have a dilemma with myself!
The shame. The guilt.
I am often overheard telling others “do not accept what you do not own.” It is time to act on my own advice.
As an adult, my son makes his own choices and lives with the consequences of those choices; be they acceptable or not. I have no input or responsibility here.
I need, in the deepest sense of need, to forgive myself for blaming myself all these years and bearing so much unnecessary pain.
It is horrendously hard to let go of what I have carried so close to my heart all these years.
However, even contemplating letting go has already given me relief.
Forgiving one's self is a cleansing project that only brings good to light and love and laughter to share with others.
The burden is like being under a basket, afraid to come out. No more.
I now have a lightness in my step, and a healing in my heart and head as I put this pain behind me and move forward to live for today!
What is - is! I can live with that!