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To know me is to...

Updated on November 12, 2014

Someone is bound to be disappointed

I do not know about anyone else, but I never imagined that dating could be so ‘complex.’ I mean, everyone says they want honesty, yet, it seems, from the moment two people meet, the deception begins. We filter, hold back, and censor ourselves, sometimes we omit things or alter things in an effort to impress, seduce, or ‘get to know’ someone we find ourselves attracted to or are interested in.

People edit themselves in the beginning, not wanting to scare off or drive away a potential ‘partner’ or mate, putting on our best version of ourselves, until we get to know them better. I struggle with this part. For it seems that if upon meeting me, if who I am, what I say or do and what I have been through and whatever is going on in my life, is too much for you to deal with, then why not just put it all out there right away and get it out of the way and part company, sooner, rather than later? Why waste time trying to impress or get to know someone when the person is not being authentic or true? It's sort of like wearing spanxs, or a push-up bra, or a man stuffing his pants...someone's bound to be disappointed at some point. Besides, if people really believed in the whole 'for better or worse' thing, it's likely the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

The idea that we need to be ‘softer,’ more subtle, less open, or that we should reveal our ‘true’ selves as the relationship progresses, seems ludicrous to me. I don’t want to invest my heart, emotions, time, or energy, into someone, only to discover we are not compatible, or not right for one another, because we were/are too busy trying to be the best versions of ourselves. Truth be told, the ‘best version’ of ourselves is quite often, not the part we show or share once we are in a relationship, or once we become ‘comfortable’ with the people we're involved with. The spanxs come off, the socks come out, the boobs go south...the 'real' you is unmasked, and sadly, someone, is bound to be disappointed.

Given that, wouldn’t it be easier to just be up front from the very beginning, rather than down the line? I mean, I am not that good of an actor, and eventually you will come to know the ‘real’ me, and by then, one or both of us will have caught some feelings

This is why I do not believe in being intimate with a man right away. If the lovemaking is not up to par, or I am not satisfied, before I have even gotten a chance to know a man, I have no reason to pursue the relationship any further-because I am not emotionally invested. If however, we are emotionally involved, I will and am willing to keep putting in work at bettering our sex life, so long as we are compatible in every other area or aspect of our relationship. Easier to walk away from a relationship when you are not emotionally invested or involved, for me, anyway. Then again, I was married to a gay man for 18 years, so going without sex is not exactly new to me. Ooops, there I go again, just lost another ‘potential’ date, for sharing TMI too soon.


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