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Transparency and Vulnerability

Updated on May 28, 2020
Akin Akinbodunse profile image

'Been married the last 22+ years and currently moderate 6 years old, 96,000 plus strong Marriage Educational Community on Facebook

deep calls to deep

The depth of any relationship is determined by the amount of transparency there is. Transparency is like deep calling unto deep. When you become transparent you call out to the other party (or parties) to do likewise. On the other hand, not being transparent has its message also. You are saying there is a limit to how far you want to go in this relationship. And, that has its place, also. For, just as deep calls unto deep, shallow calls unto shallow, also. What one gives is what one gets. You get what you call for in life. Obviously, not all relationships are the same. We each determine our relationship by how transparent we choose to be.

Nothing to Hide
Nothing to Hide

The challenge comes when we want a disproportionate return on our deposit. It comes when we refuse to be transparent, but yet expect to get all the benefits of one who is. A lot of us sure want a deeper, more secure footing in some relationships, especially marriage, but are incapacitated by an inability to be truly transparent and vulnerable. We are scared of what people will think if they truly know who we are. We are scared of being rejected. Hence, we play the game of being who we think people will want us to be. Instead of bringing our hearts to the relationship, we bring only our heads. And, we become sensitive and insecure to every move in the relationship.

Relationship Model
Relationship Model

the challenge

The challenge is a lot of us though wanting to go deeper in some relationships, especially marriage, are incapacitated by an inability to be truly transparent and vulnerable. We are scared what people will think if they truly know who we are. We are scared of being rejected. Hence, we play the game of being who we think they will want us to be. Instead of bringing our heart to the relationship, we bring our head. We become sensitive to every move in the relationship.

We read meaning(s) to everything that is done, or not done. We read meaning into things that have no meaning in them. Rather, than being relaxed and enjoy the relationship, we are all so worked up, protecting and covering the skeletons in our wardrobe. The relationship that is supposed to relax and refresh us only works us up. Instead of building depth in our relationship, we either drive people away, or drive our heart away from theirs.

Rest in Me
Rest in Me

a human experience

The thing to realize in life is that everyone has skeletons in their closet, even the seemingly perfect ones. We all have a past. Our past may be different, but there is none perfect. We all are humans. Some people’s skeletons might be point-blank evident. Whereas for others they are not apparent but tucked away in the rottenness of their hearts. We are all who we are by the grace of God. Whatever your experience of life might have been, you need to realize that it all happened to make you the person you are today.

It all happens for us, even the seeming evils of life. It is not what happened that is important, but rather what we do with it. Refuse to be defeated by your past. It is called THE PAST. And, don’t deceive yourself it never happened. IT DID, and you survived for a reason. You survived your past for a reason. Live that reason. Work in the strength that comes from your experience of life. The world needs it. The world wants it. Be comfortable under your own skin. Don’t be defined by your experience of life. Define your experience by the way you use it to be a blessing to yourself and the world. That is what makes you a victor.

"I understand now that the vulnerability I've always felt is the greatest strength a person can have." (Elisabeth Shue)

Not everyone will like you. Big deal! Not everyone is supposed to. Deal with it. If they don’t then they were not meant to be a part of your life. If it does not fit, don’t force it. Just be you and those that are meant to be a part of your life will flow in. We are not here to be people pleasers. We are here to be God pleasers. We are here to fulfill destiny. We are not here to practice how to live. We are here to live the life. Live therefore.

© 2018 Akin Akinbodunse


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    • dashingscorpio profile image


      3 years ago from Chicago

      "Be yourself in your relationships. " - AMEN!

      During the "infatuation phase" of most new relationships both people tend to bend over backwards to impress one another. No one wants to do or say anything that might "blow their chance" to be with her or him.

      The word "no" is seldom if ever uses, cards and token gifts are exchanged "just because", conversations and laughter flow easily, and the sex is off the charts!

      It's so easy for an inexperienced dater to believe he/she has found their "soulmate". The truth is you really don't get to know anyone until after you have had your first major argument or disagreement. That's when you start to see each other's "boundaries" and "deal breakers" along with their "expectations".

      I call it their "authentic selves".

      Most people don't reveal their "authentic self" until after their has been an "emotional investment" or "commitment" established. Only then do they feel (safe) enough to say whatever is on their mind or in their heart without the fear of losing you. (This also true if they no longer care about you.)

      Generally speaking in the beginning there is no transparency or vulnerability because both people come into the relationship with "baggage" and walls of protection.

      It is only through observing someone over time demonstrate honesty and integrity that one starts to lower their defenses.

      Trust like respect is (earned) over time. Never force yourself to trust anyone. If something doesn't {feel right} to you it's probably not right for (you). Don't ignore "red flags"!

      Once you truly "trust" someone you're "transparent/"vulnerable".


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