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Understanding the Male Attitude towards Divorce
Casual Conversation
When Chet mentioned he
had a 'problem' I suspected
it concerned divorce.
It was not that I knew his
past or much of his present
it was how he asked me.
In most cases, unless it
was recent adultery on her side, men don't care whether or not they have legally divorced the woman they no longer live with..
It's their subsequent girlfriends who care.
A man will let years, decades, role by until his current girlfriend is pregnant or putting terrific pressure on him to marry her.
One can tell the guy who really wants a divorce.
He comes to a lawyer's office. He comes with money. He pays most of the fees if not all. Then is constantly phoning; "Is it ready, yet?"
The guy who btw mentions it at some cocktail party, isn't interested.
I listened to Chet, and made my 'ticks' and wasn't wrong.
Late Bloomers
Months passed.
I heard nothing from Chet. I got nothing from Chet. Not a document, not a phone call, and not a dollar. Then, a copy of his marriage certificate arrived.
I made a rough draft of a divorce petition and emailed it for Chet to fill in the blanks.
A few months passed.
As we drifted in the same circles I eventually saw his current girlfriend.
There are some men who splash through their teens and twenties as 'All That' ;
good looking, clever, great to be around. These men gravitate towards the best looking women in the room, blind to any female who couldn't walk a runway.
Some men don't hit their prime until their thirties. They've spent their lives talking to the 'what's left' because they wouldn't dare approach a halfway pretty girl for fear of rejection.
These late bloomers don't immediately realise how striking they have become.
Chet was one of those who had just come into his own and was just beginning to appreciate that he was far more than he'd thought. Although his first wife was not bad looking she was average. She put a lot of work into her appearance, the expensive hair style, the make up, the fingernails, the good clothes.
She was far better looking, (even if you washed her face and pulled her hair back in a pony tail) then his current girlfriend.
Men Like Chet
The woman Chet was currently
involved with resembled the
Pillsbury Doughboy.
She had money, she had position,
and if he were the 'old' Chet, she
was the best he could do.
But the 'New' Chet was someone
who could walk up the prettiest
girl in the room and she'd smile.
He hadn't bothered to divorce
his first wife, although they'd been apart over seven years, because there was no reason.
Now, as his new woman was pregnant, pressuring him to divorce Number One, he made lame attempts.
As long as he was married he couldn't marry Ms Doughboy, and he didn't want to marry Ms. Doughboy.
Yes, he liked her money, he liked her position, he even liked the baby she bore him, but to marry her now, to settle on her now, when he might be able to get a woman who was 'all that' caused him to pause.
The Pressure
Ms. Doughboy, tired of the delays,
now approaches.
She will pay for the Divorce.
She hands over a wad of cash, so
the 'draft' becomes an actual
document Chet must serve on his
current wife.
How long he will take to serve this document might alert Ms. Doughboy that he doesn't want to marry her. That is, if she is able to recognise that although she may love him, he does not love her.
Of course, with a toddler to mind she might think marriage is necessary and force Chet to go through with the divorce. Or, she might appreciate that although he will take her money and enjoy the rarefied environment she introduced him to, he doesn't want to be with her.
Understanding Divorce
When a couple separates and neither moves for Divorce the question is 'Why?'
Inaction of the parties suggests that there is no impetus to dissolve the marriage. As years pass and neither makes an effort, it is a flag neither sees the reason to sever ties.
It is not so much the idea of reconciliation, it is the desire not to be in a position to remarry. Thus they opt for the status of marriage without the marriage.
Women who get involved with men who have neglected to divorce their wives have gotten involved with man who has no intention of marrying again.
These men like the 'protection' of marriage so that any woman is the 'Other'. Those who date them take them with that 'impediment'.
If a woman is interested in a fling or a part time lover or a hook up, he is perfect. But falling in love with such a man is contraindicated. He doesn't want to get married again. He likes not being able to get married.
Hence Chet doesn't want to marry Ms. Doughboy.
If she pays for the Divorce and forces him to get it, she will have to pay for the wedding and then, her own divorce when it becomes clear that he has no intention of being a husband..
Comments
- Author
Many men don't want to be divorced, because they don't want to marry their gals. They want sex, they want whatever else they get, but they want an excuse why not to marry.
Men don't want to get divorced. They are afraid of change. Paralyzed. So they would stay in marriage being unhappy for year or decades. Even when they see that their marriage is broken, they don't want to let go. Sad...
- Author
What I find is that many men whose marriage has ended don't make the immediate move to divorce unless there is someone they intend to marry; even if they are the ones who want to end the marriage.
Interesting although I think most chaps attitude towards divorce is probably similar to that of woman except he must adopt a macho persona other he will be thought a wimp. Inside he is probably in pieces.
- Author
A lot of couples, as you've indicated, simply have no intention of marrying again and so, just in case they get 'weak' they've got this extra hurdle to jump. Hence, if someone comes along that they think they want to marry, they have a long drawn out process of starting divorce proceedings and the impulse to marry might wear off before thy serve the papers.
I meant to say the following about legally married people who have nothing to do with one another, "Unfortunately these types of marriages are (being) counted with the 50% couples who remain married..etc" If there were stats for the "emotionally divorced" I wonder what the "real married" and divorce/not involved" statistics would reflect.
I've known "married" couples who had not seen each other in 15-20 years and neither one of them ever bothered to file for divorce. Unfortunately these types of marriages are men counting with the 50% couples who remain married while we say the other 50% of marriages end in divorce. There is another group of "married" people who live in separate quarters of the same house with no intimacy between them. They're basically roommates with the same last name.
Statistically it's been reported that 66% or 2/3rds of divorces in the U.S. are "initiated" by women. Just as most men aren't in a hurry to get married they also don't run down to the courthouse when they are unhappy. Most men consider cheating to be an easier option than going through a messy or expensive divorce.You are probably right about the other woman or man as being the motivation for a number of separated people to finally make it legally over. A lot of men don't want to get emotionally serious with a woman who is still legally married. The other person is always feeling insecure because there is a possibility in their minds that the married couple might get back together.
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